My vision for 2016 is simply not to have a vision. I
typically do a vision board every year – posting those things I plan to
accomplish or on which I plan to work. At the end of the year, I usually
realize that I may have done one of those things; but most of them have not
been accomplished. For example, for the first time since my divorce, I actually
thought I wanted to get married again; so, I posted it on my vision board. I
was in a long-term, committed relationship and we had actually talked about things
going that way. However, as most of my relationships do, it ended with him
saying he couldn’t give me what I needed. So, mission not accomplished. I was
also supposed to start working on my other two books after I finished my
dissertation – but that didn’t happen either. I did finish my doctorate,
however, so mission accomplished there.
So, going into 2016, I have decided to have no vision, no
mission, no goals, other than to accept life as it comes. That’s not to say that
I will not be doing anything. I will be pursuing my sport psychology business and
my teaching career. I just have no expectations of where they will go. If I
blow up and actually get picked up by an NFL team, great; if not, that’ll be
okay too. I am not looking for a relationship because I’m tired of hoping and
trying. I even met a guy right before the holidays who seriously checked off
every box I had on my wishlist – only to be told I moved too fast towards
girlfriend versus friend but was never told how. Mind you, I didn’t make any
sexual advances, say I wanted to marry him, try to go to his house, try to meet
his kids, or anything I can think of that constitutes trying to be someone’s girlfriend.
We talked for hours and hours, we both admitted we felt a connection, I hugged
him when I met him because I was excited to finally meet him, we watched
football, we talked a lot more, I sent dinner home with him for him and his
son, and I gave him a PECK on the lips when we said goodbye. I am totally
clueless as to how that constitutes trying to be someone’s girlfriend – but, oh
well. I’m sick and tired of trying to figure out what men want and trying to
adjust accordingly. Hell, I am ME and I LIKE me; if they don’t, then fuck them because
ME is the only person I know how, or choose, to be! So, needless to say, a
relationship will NOT be on the vision board for 2016.
I think maybe I will put three words on my vision board for
2016: BALANCE, HAPPINESS, and SELF. I need to have balance in order to make
sure that I am taking care of myself and creating my own happiness. I need to
find happiness in being alone because I’m tired of just being content with my
life and “alone” is most likely how I will spend the rest of my days. I need to
focus on self because, like I said in my end of the year post last month, I do
not believe that anyone can meet my needs except ME. So, I need to figure out “good
enough” for me. I need to find happiness for me. I need to create the life that
I want for myself – regardless of who’s in it and who’s not. Part of creating
balance is going to be not giving so much of myself. I’m tired of depleting
myself - being thoughtful, being giving, being selfless – and not receiving the
same in return. I must learn to save my compassionate and giving spirit for
myself. Part of creating happiness will be to create more time to do the things
I love to do – riding Hershey and playing golf, for example. The “self” part of
my 2016 vision is simply to do what’s important to me – to try to read my Bible
every day, to get a massage as often as possible, to go to the spa on a regular
basis, and to be okay with being single and enjoying my own company.
So, for 2016, I am going to take things one day at a time. I
am going to learn to accept things as they come. I am going to withhold some of
my generosity. I am not going to open my heart up to another relationship. I am
simply going to focus on ME – whatever that looks like from day to day.
