Over the course of my career as a therapist, I have met with A
LOT of couples. It still boggles my
mind, however, when a couple sits on my couch and they use the words “I” and “my”
more than “we” and “our.” Yet, they
wonder why they feel angry, lonely, and disconnected. Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice
just as much as it is about love and faithfulness. Refusing to hear your partner’s opinion or to
answer your partner’s question because you feel it is irrelevant is completely asinine. Complaining about how much he plays golf
instead of spending time with you but refusing to learn anything about golf
makes no sense. So, my question for this
post is: How far are you willing to go to build and/or maintain the intimate connection
between you and your partner? Or, to put
it another way, how much are you willing to compromise or sacrifice for the
good of your relationship?
I used golf as an example because I can personally relate to
that situation. My boyfriend LOVES golf
and would probably play golf every day if he could. When we first started dating, I had
absolutely no interest in golf – never had and claimed I never would. Hence my advice to avoid the words “never”
and “always” because you just never know. But, I digress. As I started to see how excited Joe got about
golf, I found myself wishing that WE had something we could get excited about
and do together. He asked me if I would play golf with him and I refused. I agreed to ride in the golf cart and watch
him play; to which he responded, “That’s no fun.” I asked him to get involved with horses [because
that’s what I like] and he agreed to learn more about them; he refused,
however, to ride. LOL. I was surprised but flattered that he would take an
interest in, and become a part of, something I liked that wasn’t really his cup
of tea. He was willing to compromise and
sacrifice. Then, I had to ask myself why
I wasn’t willing to do the same for him.
Would it kill me to learn about golf? No. Would it make Joe happy and give us something
else with which we could connect?
Yes.
So, for a birthday surprise, I bought a set of golf clubs
and all the accessories and I signed up for lessons. My plan was to show up on his birthday ready
to play. Unfortunately, he found out
what I was doing before his birthday arrived BUT the smile on his face when he
figured out what I was doing was PRICELESS.
I had no idea that my willingness to learn about, and be involved in,
his passion would mean that much to him.
He was genuinely excited about the prospect of getting out on the golf
course and “showing me off.” Now, I
probably watch golf as much as he does; trying to learn everything
I can because golf is not easy. I don’t
know that I will love the game like Joe does but I certainly don’t mind playing
and actually enjoy my time on the course.
I look forward to my golf lessons and am really looking forward to the
first time I get to play with Joe.
What would you be willing to do to strengthen your
connection with your partner? Would you
be willing to listen without interrupting him or her? Would you be willing to cook their favorite
dish just because even though you had a long day yourself? Would you be willing
to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new sexually? Would you take the time to really learn one
of their hobbies so you could participate or teach them about your hobbies so
they could participate with you? Would you
be willing to stay up late and help your partner study or write a paper? Would you be willing to talk openly about a
difficult topic and really try to understand your partner’s point of view? Would you be willing to take care of the kids
for an hour so your partner could have some alone time? Would you be willing to change some old
habits (as difficult as that can be) in order to make your partner happy? Would you be willing to drop your façade and
be genuinely vulnerable with your partner, allowing him or her to really see
you as you are?
If you are not willing to compromise, sacrifice, or simply
do something different you will remain stuck right where you are and your
intimate connection will not grow. So,
if you’re happy with what you’ve got, keep doing what you’re doing. I dare you, though, to do something different
and see if your connection can go deeper.
You might be pleasantly surprised.
