Do you believe in fairytale love?

Do you believe in fairy tales?  As children, we are brought up hearing fairytales and short stories about bears that talk, little girls who fall down rabbit holes, Prince charming, and many other magical stories. Little girls, more than little boys, are led to believe that love ends in "happily ever after." Little boys are taught that they will be able to ride in on their white horse, sweep the Princess off her feet, and they too will live "happily ever after." We read the stories and watch the Disney movies and get a terrifically warm feeling inside. We grow up believing, or at least hoping, that we will live a similar fairytale.

Then, life happens. We learn that love doesn't come from a kiss that wakes you. Love doesn't come in the form of a glass slipper. Love often presents itself like a sheep in wolf’s clothing. At other times, love may present as the beast that turns into a prince. Lately, it has saddened me to watch women spinning their wheels looking for the prince underneath the form of the beast. My best friend, Lisa, said, "We [women] are taught to see the potential inside [a man] and to nurture that potential. Unfortunately, we don't know when to give up." So, in the midst of our nurturing and caring and "loving them through," we lose ourselves.  Once we forget who we are and what really matters, resentment begins to fester.  At whom can we legitimately direct that resentment, however?  Giving up your dreams, your wants, your desires, and your needs is a choice.  Saying, “no more,” “enough is enough,” or “I want more” is a choice as well.

You see, people will only do to you what you allow them to do to you.  People will only respect your boundaries and meet your standards if you stand firm on them.  Everyone has their limits.  Knowing your limits is important.  Self-awareness will help you better relate to your significant other.  In understanding who you are, what you deserve, and what you expect, you are better able to determine how you will and will not allow yourself to be treated.  You are also able to determine how much you will give.  If your love tank is not being filled, though, you will have nothing to give.  So, soak up all the love you can today because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

Am I saying that love is not real?  Absolutely not.  I still believe in love.  I believe in its purity, its softness, its gentleness.  I believe that falling in love can be amazing and romantic.  I believe that true love can take your breath away, render you speechless, make you laugh, make you smile, and even make you cry.  True love is strong and fragile at the same time. It is deep without drowning you. It is hot, fiery passion and cool, serene calm. For me, love is red; smells like roses; tastes like champagne & white chocolate covered strawberries; sounds like passionately quiet whispers right close to my ear; feels like a dip in the hot springs at the base of a Costa Rican volcano; has a shape that conforms to wrap around my heart; and can be seen whenever my man and I are together - whether holding hands as we walk on the beach, cuddled up together watching the sunset, or sharing our morning coffee before a busy day.

When two people share a mutual love for one another, they are kind to one another.  They are gentle with each other’s hearts.  They pay attention to each other’s needs, wants, and desires.  They create a space of safety and longing – a space in which they exist together because they want to be together. They wake up asking themselves, "What can I do to make my love happy today?"  

What’s deeper than loving someone and being loved in return?  Knowing that the person you’re in love with WANTS to love you back.  And how will you know that he or she WANTS to love you?  You will observe it through his or her actions towards you.  You will see it in the way he or she looks at you.  You will feel it in your belly when he or she makes you laugh.  You will feel the warm electricity on your skin when the two of you touch.  It will almost hurt to say goodbye.  That’s when you know that you WANT to love someone or that someone WANTS to love you in return.  You may long for them all day.  You may dream about them at night.  It may seem like life doesn’t slow down until you are in their arms – protected from pain, from judgment, from loneliness.  But, most importantly, when you are in you lover’s arms, you are still you.  You have not had to compromise who you are to be there, to be accepted, to be valued, to be loved.  All you have to do to receive true love is to breathe and be open to embrace it.

This is not a fairytale.  This kind of love has to exist somewhere in this universe.  It is not loud or overbearing.  It can come from any man or woman – perhaps one that you didn’t even expect.  It is not forceful and doesn’t have to be created.  It gets you excited and makes you hot.  This kind of love simply has to be experienced and appreciated. You never have to question TRUE LOVE because you will hear it said and see it demonstrated; but even beyond that, you will feel it in the depths of your soul - like the rhythmic synthesis of two breaths and two hearts during tantric lovemaking. I hope we all get to experience that kind of love at least once before we leave this planet.

Really? Dating? Loving? Again? Hmmmm...

Am I really back in the dating world again?  Wow!  Have you ever found yourself asking that question?  When the realization hit you, did you feel like you were waking up from a dream, or maybe a nightmare?  None of us get married thinking about the end – whether that end comes in death or divorce.

After 8 years of being with someone – almost 5 of those married – believing that I would never have to date again – I think I have finally awakened from a very long, but subtle nightmare.  As good as it feels to be free from the problems, disappointments, and deceit – it may not be as easy to free yourself from the doubts.  When marriages end in divorce, people are often left with unanswered questions.  Where did we go wrong?  Why did I ever marry him/her?  Why was I not good enough for him/her to love?  Did he/she ever really love me?  Will I ever be able to love again?  Do I even want to love again?  What’s the matter with me?  Then, there are the funny moments - such as when your best friend tells you to pose for a picture, for your online dating profile.  She says to you, “look sexy” and your response is, “What?  I don’t remember how to do that.”  Unbelievable!

A lot of these questions can get answered through some honest soul searching; and with the help of a therapist.  Others are simply emotional reactions to intense pain and/or an overwhelming sense of failure.  We all want to love and be loved in return.  In the movie Moulin Rouge, John Leguizamo, as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, stops Christian from walking away from the absolute love of his life by yelling out, “The greatest gift you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!”  In that moment, Christian realizes that no matter what has happened between he and Satine, their love is real and can withstand even death.  It is an amazing love story that reminds us of the tremendous pain and the tremendous pleasure that can be experienced in the midst of true love.

Therein lies the difference.  True love doesn’t get divorced and true love doesn’t die.  When people commit to one another forever, they have to believe that they love each other.  If they didn’t, they would just be friends.  So, if you believe in true love, then you will love again; and it will be everything you want it to be.  However, you will have to date in order to find that love.  I was contacted by a real hottie online and the first two sentences of his profile read: Just because something has failed before, doesn't mean it will fail again.  I don't let the past disappointments weigh too heavily in my expectations of my future likelihood of success.  That made an impression on me because he’s right.  And did I mention that he was hot?  Anyway, life really can be that simple – where failures or letdowns are each their own separate experience.  So what that your relationship didn’t work out?  Okay, so you were deeply hurt.  You will still have to risk loving again if you want serious companionship. 

No matter what medium you use to search for connections with people, you should take your time and really get to know him or her.  Trust your gut.  Keep your ears and eyes open.  Pay attention to how someone treats you from the very first conversation to the very last conversation.  Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.”  Do not lower your standards.  Do not make excuses for someone treating you in a way less than you deserve.  Personally, I would rather be alone than to allow myself to be mistreated by, or to be miserable with, someone who claims to love and care about me.  Remember that you set the boundaries in your own life.  People will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. 

So, you must do something different to get different results.  Maybe you could date outside of your race.  Maybe you could date a blue collar worker instead of a white collar worker.  Perhaps you can change your height or weight requirements.  Perhaps you could date a techie instead of an artist or vice versa.  Just be open to new experiences.  Be open to love.  Even if I never find it, I still believe it exists.

You Are Too Nice

How many of you feel like, or have heard that, "you are too nice?"  What is that exactly?  What does that mean?  Does it mean that you are altruistic? Weak?  Naive?  Clueless?  A pushover?  A doormat?  Or does it relate more to the misperceptions or envy of others regarding the "nice" person?

Perhaps, "you are too nice" means that you are unbelievably generous and kind; but because there are so few people left like that on Earth, people perceive you as being "too good to be true."  There are people on this planet, believe it or not, that still genuinely want to help others and are looking for absolutely nothing in return!  Can you believe that?!  There are actually genuine people on Earth who will selflessly do something for another person without a second thought and will do it with no hidden agenda or ulterior motive.  The sad thing is, however, that we experience that depth of kindness and generosity so rarely, that it doesn't seem real when we do.

What I am talking about is an actual measurable personality trait - usually identified as agreeableness.  For those of us that are simply natural givers/nurturers, taking care of others is as easy as walking or breathing.  For us, being kind, sympathetic, selfless, compassionate, etc. are all natural responses to other human beings who may be in need.  Sometimes, the other person doesn't even have to be in need [in a crisis sense]; we simply do something or give something out of the goodness of our hearts.

As genuine as our efforts and sentiments are, we are often perceived as being manipulative and/or using our generosity to ingratiate ourselves to others.  Nine times out of ten, that is the farthest thing from our minds.  People who really know us, for who we are, know that the kindness we share with  others comes from a very vulnerable, soft place that cannot be contained easily.  There is not an emotional Tupperware or Rubbermaid container strong enough to hold it all inside.  It can actually be painful not to help, even when we get hurt and decide: "That's it!  I'm not giving of myself anymore!"

I encourage anyone and everyone out there who scores high on the "agreeableness" scale to love yourself for your sheer uniqueness.  We are a rare breed that provides a place of respite for those that are weary, broken, or disheartened.  Sometimes, all someone needs is a small act of kindness to put a smile back on their face or to give them enough hope for one more tomorrow.  Sometimes, NOT being crapped on or dismissed adds a sense of value or self-worth to the sad and disillusioned.  To anyone who has taken advantage of, hurt, mistreated, or abused one of these kind, selfless givers: SHAME ON YOU!  To the selfless givers: I know you have been hurt at times and I know you have felt like you were running on 'E'; but I applaud you.  I applaud us!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with living life this way, until........

• You are giving so much that you have nothing left for yourself - no money, no time, no energy, no joy, etc.
• You realize the person or people are taking advantage of your kindness or are mistaking your kindness for weakness.
• You are giving to or doing for others begrudgingly or expecting something in return.
• You get your heart broken because you realize that, even though you were never looking for anything in return, you are the ONLY one in the relationship being nice at all; and you are actually being mistreated or abused.
• You decide that you want to change this particular personality trait for whatever reason.

IF, God forbid, we actually get to the point where we really do not want to be this way anymore, we need to ask ourselves WHY.  Stop a moment and think about why you are tired or empty.  Think about what you really need to refill your tank - is it to stop giving or is it to get a hug from a friend?  Think about how you have felt in the past, or may feel in the future, if you walk away knowing that someone needed you and you had enough in your emotional arsenal, pantry, gas tank, or bank account to help; but, you CHOSE not to.  Personally, I feel worse then than when I just keep giving.  As Jesus died on the cross, I can only imagine that He had nothing left - emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually - and yet, He still asked God to "Forgive them for they know not what they do."  So, when someone takes advantage of your selfless kindness, forgive them, for they know not what they do.  You, however, must remain true to who you know you are and that is good.