What Moves Me

What moves you? What touches your soul? What evokes intense emotion within you? There are several things that move me - that cause my breath to catch, automatically put a smile on my face, make my heart skip a beat, or that cause me to well up with tears [of joy].

1. My daughter's smile:

My daughter's smile has moved me since the day she smiled for the first time. My daughter is beautiful and when she smiles, it's just pure radiance. Her smile can bring light to a dark place. Her smile can alleviate my sadness. It's a healing balm. Her smile gives hope to the hopeless. No matter how I'm feeling, her smile makes me smile every time. My daughter's smile is simply magical. 

2. Anything and everything about my granddaughter:

My granddaughter is the most charming and beautiful little person I know. The many faces that she makes always tickle me and warm my heart. Her laughter makes my heart flutter. The little habits she has developed - like patting her bottle as she drinks - just make me smile. I look forward to seeing what new things she has learned each day when I get home. Her innocence and light remind me that life is good.

3. My boyfriend's kisses:

Sometimes, a playful peck on the lips. Sometimes a little more. Sometimes soft and gentle. Sometimes hungry and fierce. But always, always, always passionate and loving. His kisses remind me that he cares for me and desires me. His kisses remind me that he WANTS to be with me - it's not a chore or obligation. His kisses make me feel both loved and lovable - and that's huge. What moves me even more, though, are the times when he gently kisses my forehead or my cheek. It creates a warm feeling deep inside that I really cannot put into words. Those kisses, for whatever reason, make me feel very special and protected. His kisses leave me with no doubt about how he feels about me.

4. Nature:

From sunrise to sunset, everything I see in nature leaves me in awe because I know only God could have created it. Every tree, every flower, every raindrop, every breeze, every cloud reminds me that there is am amazing God working hard in Heaven. It makes me not fear death. It reminds me that, with Him in control, my life will play out as it should and He will be by my side the whole time. That gives me peace on a daily basis.

None of these cost me a dime. I don't have to make an appointment to get them. I don't have to drive far or work hard either. They are all free and wonderful. They all touch my soul in a deep and meaningful way.

So, as you experience each day of your life, think about what moves you. Are you creating memorable moments? Are you experiencing deep emotion? Is there something that helps you get through the rough times? If your answer is "no," I encourage you to find something in life that really moves you in a significant way. It may change how you look at life.

Why Is It So Hard to Say, "I'm Sorry"

“I’m sorry.”  Two very simple words.  Yet, many of us choke on them as we try to say them.  Why is it so hard to say, “I’m sorry?”  Is it because we are admitting fault?  Is it because we feel weak?  Is it because we feel stupid? 

My boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding.  I blamed him and he blamed me.  In the end, I saw his point, and knew that I owed him an apology.  However, I continued to talk about what he did and did not do as well – as though he owed me an apology too.  And he asked me, “ Why can’t you just say ‘I’m sorry’ and be done with it?” 

So, why couldn’t I?  I can only tell you what was going through my head and heart as this discussion played out.  I was thinking to myself: “ What an idiot you were,” “Uh oh, you’ve done it now,” “You really screwed this up,” “ Why couldn’t you have been more patient,” “ Why didn’t you explain yourself better,” and the list goes on. In my heart, I felt pain, shame, fear, and disappointment [in myself]. 

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my boyfriend. I love him. Why would I want to hurt him? But that's exactly what I did through both my actions & my words. So, I could either keep going down the path of destruction I was on or I could humble myself and apologize. I chose to say, "I'm sorry" and to take ownership of what I had done. I chose to hold myself accountable for how I had let my boyfriend down and admit how I could've handled things differently.

Those two words made all the difference. The argument was immediately over and the pain and tension of the moment dissipated. It felt like I could breathe again. And I actually felt good about myself for being woman enough to admit I had behaved badly and that I had hurt the one I love. 

In the end he said he was sorry too because we don't ever want to feel disconnected or angry with each other. We're supposed to love and care for one another. So, in his words, "all is forgiven and all is well." And that does my heart good. In addition, it strengthens our relationship knowing that we are willing to apologize instead of letting a misunderstanding break us apart. We are worth that much to each other.

Next time you find yourself choking on the words "I'm sorry" stop and ask yourself why. Then ask yourself if it's worth it not to say "I'm sorry." I bet you'll lose more if you don't.

The One That Got Away

Recently, I was contacted by a guy I dated twenty years ago. It was quite unexpected to say the least. He and I were very much in love and had actually talked about marriage. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t end up in a blissful marriage, however. It ended with two hearts being broken and years of wondering “what if.” 

We had a great relationship full of fun and laughter and endless conversations. We never had a disagreement of any sort. We dated for four years and then…. 

I chose someone else. I chose someone who had the “look” I liked. He had muscles and worked out all the time. He and I had endless conversations and lots of laughter as well. But, he was not Felix. I never fell in love with him the way I had with Felix. However, we ended up having a child together and then breaking up. Certainly not the way I saw things happening. I could have married Felix, had children, and lived happily ever after – I believe that. I made the wrong choice.

My heart hurt for Felix but I never told him. I was too angry with myself and felt like I had gotten what I deserved. Once again, the good guy had finished last. And it was my fault. I went for the superficial instead of what was inside. Now, Felix was not ugly by any stretch of the imagination but he wasn’t a real muscular guy and that’s what I wanted – or so I thought. 

Felix had a heart of gold and always treated me with respect and love. He would give me the shirt off his back if I asked. He never wanted to change anything about me. He genuinely loved me for me just as I was. And I loved him too. I tried to show him all the time even though we were miles apart. He would come to visit me every few days from where he lived and that was no small feat. He sacrificed for me and I hurt him deeply. I truly regret that because he didn’t deserve that.

I didn’t realize how deeply I had hurt him until he called me recently. We had a long talk about what we had and what we felt we lost in losing each other. Little did I know he had been thinking of me all these years. In fact, I thought he hated me after what I did. When he called, however, he informed me that he had never stopped loving me. He said I was “the one who got away.” 

Now, twenty years later, we are both divorced and dating other people. We are different people twenty years later with different life experiences. Of course the question floating in the wind is again “what if.” What if we had stayed together? We would probably have been happily married for twenty years now. What if we were both single now? Could we try again? Would things be the same? Those are questions that may never get answered because we are not single and would never stand in the way of each other’s happiness. But, it’s nice to know that we never stopped loving each other and that we never stopped thinking about each other. It’s a confirmation that what we had was real. 

As the saying goes, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” I lost a good man twenty years ago. I cannot unring that bell. I have gained a friend twenty years later, though, and I am grateful for that.

Learning Life's Many Lessons

Last month, the death of my uncle encouraged me to take a life inventory and I shared with you some of the lessons I had learned about life, death, dying, and love. I challenged each of you to either get busy living or get busy dying. I chose to get busy living; and with that, continued to take stock of my own life and the lessons I continue to learn.

From the time we are born until the day we die, we are always learning something. We have to learn how to walk, how to talk, and how to eat.  We got to elementary school and we learn how to read, write, and do arithmetic. We get to high school and start learning about dating and how to establish and maintain interpersonal relationships. In high school, we also learn about teamwork and discipline.  We get to college and learn how to put everything that we have learned in the first quarter of our life into action on our own.  Then, there's the option of grad school... but we won't even go there.

At some point, we get out into the world. Some will drop out of high school and face life with only a few years of education and life experiences. Some will go to the military instead of college and learn life from a completely different perspective.  Some of us will face life with all of our education and 20+ years of life experience.  Yet, the learning never ends.  We may have to learn to be a spouse or life partner.  We may have to learn to be a good employee or manager. We may have to learn to be a homeowner.  Every day we are faced with opportunities to learn - to learn about a different culture, conflict resolution, creating balance in our life, and many more things.

As I thought about this blog entry, I tried to think about the the top ten lessons that I have learned from life.  The first thing that popped into my head was a poem my mother taught me as a teenager.  It's called "My Wage" by Jessie B. Rittenhouse and it goes like this:

I bargained with life for a penny and life would pay no more
However I begged at evening when I counted my scanty store

For life is a just employer; he gives you what you ask
But once you have set the wages, why, you must bear the task

I worked for a menial's hire, only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life, Life would have paid.

From that poem, I learned to ask life for what I wanted and to always expect the most out of myself and my life.  I have learned other things throughout my life as well.  I have learned:

1. Life is what you make it. With each new day comes the choice to be happy, sad, angry, miserable, grateful, etc.

2. Smiling can change both the way you feel and the way other people feel about you.

3. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us; so experience everything life has to offer each day - love, laughter, pain, sorrow, etc. - as though it was your last.

4. Stress can really kill you; so, try to relax as often as possible.

5. Blood is thicker than water most of the time; but your blood can also be toxic. Therefore, it is okay to protect, or separate, yourself from family members just like you would with a toxic friendship.

6. There will be times in life when people do not meet our expectations; and we may feel disappointed, betrayed, or angry because they didn't do, or say, what we expected.  In other words, don't always expect people to act like you.

7. It is super okay for you to have whatever dreams, wishes, and desires you want for your own life even when other people say you shouldn't or you can't.

8. Prayer changes things.

9. Real love doesn't consistently hurt you emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually.  Real love enhances the positive things you believe about yourself and helps you heal the negatives.

10. If your self-worth depends on external sources, your self-worth will forever be questionable.

11. No one knows everything.  If someone claims to, or acts as though they do, know everything, run!  There is always more to learn.

Life, Death, Dying, and Love

I had a dear uncle, Erik, who just died after a 4-1/2 year battle with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS); better known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease.  He was only 47.  Although his process of dying was truly sad to witness, there were lessons learned and tremendous growth for my family.  In the end, we were able to truly celebrate his life with a memorial service that was overflowing with more love than sadness.

My family would probably be defined as dysfunctional in clinical terms but somehow it works.  When Erik was first diagnosed, my family was stricken with panic.  They knew nothing about ALS and had no idea what the diagnosis meant for Erik or the family.  But they came together with hearts full of love and developed a systematic plan of care to take care of my uncle.  Everyone had a night on the schedule.  Everyone had a job to do.  It was a beautiful show of family togetherness.

Although he had talked to his doctors, Erik called me to have a real conversation about ALS.  As a nurse, I was tempted to just stay clinical.  As a therapist, I was concerned about how Erik would handle the real truth – not wanting to rob him of any hope.  As his niece, I felt that I owed him the truth.  Erik and I had always had deep conversations about every topic under the sun.  So, I wasn’t going to start bullshitting him then.  Our conversation that night consisted of one question: “How am I going to die?” After explaining the progression of the disease and explaining that his organs would just eventually quit, there was silence on the phone.  Then Erik said, “I just can’t believe that I am going to leave this Earth having been nothing but a burden to my family – no wife, no kids, no legacy of any kind.”

I will never forget his words.  Those words caused me to really think about death and dying.  Not the process of death and dying but the meaning of it as it relates to the life we’ve lived.  When my uncle said those words, he had no idea how many people’s lives he had touched and how many he would continue to touch on his journey.  He had been, and would continue to be, an inspiration to our family.  He had a fantastic sense of humor, a genuine love for God, and a deep understanding of God’s word.  I just don’t think he ever found his purpose in life and that made him feel like he had done nothing.  I would hate to die feeling as though I have done nothing with my life.  

So, I took another self-inventory.  I started keeping a gratefulness journal.  I started reading the Bible daily.  I took drastic steps to take better care of myself.  I prayed more for others than I had in the past.  I sat silently with what I know is God’s purpose for my life and I just let it soak into my heart and soul even deeper than it already had.  I thanked God for my life and the meaning it has.  And I thought about all that I have learned – not from books but from life.  And as I sat through Erik’s memorial service, I thought about the lessons I learned from him too.

About life, I learned:

-        - Your life is what you make it; so don’t waste your time with foolishness.

-        - Your life must have meaning and purpose to feel fulfilled.

-        - Your life is truly a gift from God – the air that you breathe, the things that you see, and the things  that you hear.

About death, I learned:

-        - Death does not discriminate – you do not know the day or the hour.

-        - In death, there is transformational peace – you could see it when you looked at Erik.

-        - Death hurts those who love you even when they know it’s inevitable.

About dying, I learned:

-        - It is not just a physical process but a mental, emotional, and spiritual process.

-        - God offers you the opportunity to commit your life to Him until your last breath.

-        - Your ability to touch people does not end.

About love, I learned:

-        - There is no love deeper than the love of family.

-        - Although love does not conquer all, it can ease the pain of life’s wounds.

-        - Love is a legacy in itself and you never know who you’ve touched.

So, you can make a choice today: either get busy living or get busy dying but understand that if you bargain with life for a penny; that is exactly what life will pay and no more.  You define your own life and ultimately, your own legacy.  Do with it what you will.

When the Seas are Crashing Don’t Overlook the Tugboat

When it seems like life is out of control and every bad thing that can happen does happen, we can feel very overwhelmed.  We may even feel like we are drowning in the crashing seas where one wave after another knocks us down before we can recover from the wave before it.  You know how it goes.  You get paid and your dog gets sick so now you’ve got a vet bill, then your kid needs supplies for a school project, then someone hits your car in the Walmart parking lot so now you pay that deductible to get it fixed, then the washer stops working so you have to pay for a repairman to come out, etc.  Before you know it, your paycheck is gone and you still have household bills to pay and groceries to buy but you are a single parent.  So, you start to feel very much alone in this game of life.  You may cry out to God but in the midst of the storm, sometimes you need someone who can help you right then, who can stand up with you against the waves.

Don’t miss God’s blessing because it doesn’t show up the way you expect it to.  If you are expecting a yacht to save you from the storm, you might be overlooking a little tugboat.  Yes, a yacht is big, and grand and would make life real easy.  However, tugboats were built to HELP.  Their only job is to help move ships that should not move themselves or ships that cannot move themselves.  They have engines like a locomotive and can pull some very heavy ships to safety.  While you are looking for a larger than life friend to come by and offer you all the help you need, you may be missing the quiet friend who has always been there for you.  You may say that you are alone but this person is always there for you despite the circumstances and he/she has been consistently by your side. You may think that person has nothing to offer to help you because you’ve never asked or because you just never thought of them as a helper in your life.  You may also discount them because you are angry with men and this person is male or you are angry with all women and this person is female.

When you are trying to stand up and catch your breath, does it really matter, in the long run, who helps you as long as you get helped?  The person that emerges in your life to be a helper, may be as strong as a tugboat and may be able to help you move forward or allow you to lean on him/her when necessary.  Like the tugboat’s engine is as big as a locomotive, this person may have a heart just as big. Tugboats are easy to overlook in the midst of big waves and big ships.  They don’t make a lot of noise; they rarely blow their whistles and horns.  So, the tugboat that God sends to help you may be someone that you could easily overlook – someone you’ve gotten comfortable with or someone that you’ve started to take for granted.  So, be conscientious and pay attention because your help may not come in the form of a yacht but in a little tugboat.

Submission is NOT a Dirty Word

When asked what they think submission means, most women will give the word a negative connotation.   I have heard submission defined as: bowing down, being subservient, being run over, abuse, a loss of power, a loss of control, being ruled, and the list goes on.  The word is rarely received with a warm smile or a sense of openness.  It is typically received with curled lips, wide eyes, smacking of the lips, sucking of the teeth, and rolling of the neck as though I have dared to use profanity.  Why?  Why has submission become a dirty word?

Merriam-Webster defines submission as “the state of being obedient,” “the condition of being submissive, humble or compliant,” and as “an act of submitting to the authority or control of another.”  In the biblical sense, God asks women to submit to their husbands, yes; but he first asks men to love their wives the way that Christ loved the church. If a husband, fiancé, or significant other loves a woman the way Christ loved the church – with his whole heart, gently, respectfully, with grace and mercy, completely, unconditionally, and soul deep – what reason does a woman have to not submit to him?

One day, when I was about 9 years old, my grandfather was trying to fix the car because it had run hot or something.  It was a hot, South Carolina, summer day and my grandmother and I were sitting in the car waiting.  I started to get very impatient and asked my grandmother why she didn’t just tell my grandfather to call someone to help us.  She sat quietly.  I became even more impatient and asked my grandmother why she didn’t say something – anything.  How could she just sit there patiently waiting when my grandfather obviously couldn’t fix the car?  She looked at me and calmly said, “You will learn that there is a time for a woman to speak and a time for a woman to shut up.”  I had no idea what that meant at the time.  Later, I would realize that was my very first lesson in submission and it was not a bad thing.

You see, my grandmother submitting to my grandfather’s will to fix the car didn’t hurt anyone.  In fact, it kept the situation calm.  He was already upset and her chastising him, or nagging, would have only made that situation worse.  Eventually, my grandfather realized that he needed to go to a service station to get help.  Not once did my grandmother ever make him feel stupid, incompetent, or any less of a man, however.  She just sat quietly and waited patiently.  That was a subtle form of submission.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my grandmother would speak her mind when she felt she needed to but she picked her battles very carefully and she never disrespected my grandfather.  And he never disrespected her.

Being raised in a traditional Southern home, I have just learned certain things as a young woman – as a lady – that you do for your man.  Most people would consider them submissive, in a sense; I see them more as respectful.  For example, I always fix my boyfriend’s plate first and wait for him to start eating before I do in case he needs me to get him anything.  I allow him to take out the trash even though I am fully capable of doing it myself.  I run big decisions by him because I value his input and if we were married, he would definitely have the last say.  I have no problem hanging up his coat, ironing his clothes, or giving him a massage.  So, is that submitting?  I guess it depends on your definition of submission.  Those are all things that I do out of respect and love for him – not because he makes me or has some kind of control over me.  My boyfriend is very respectful and treats me like a lady at all times.  He is the ultimate gentleman and makes me feel like a million bucks. 

So, when am I submissive?  I believe I am submissive mostly with my mouth.  I am a very independent woman and I can be very opinionated.  So, I have had to learn that my opinion, although heard, may not be used as the final solution to a problem.  Typically, I will argue a point until I get the answer I want or at least feel like I’ve gotten my point across.  I have learned not to argue as much with YH because once he has made a decision, it is made.  There are also times that I practice that very first lesson my grandmother taught me and I simply sit quietly.  At 43, I think that is the best lesson in submission I have ever learned.  Simply knowing when and when not to speak can save you a world of trouble and hours of arguing.  Knowing how to speak in a respectful tone when you do speak keeps you from emasculating your man and invites communication.

You see, submission is not about shutting someone down or shutting someone out.  Submission is simply about showing respect and letting a man be a man and take his place at the head of the family.  I realize that for black women this can be extremely difficult because our men were taken from us and we had to learn to live life on our own and some men want you to give respect that has not been earned.  However, there are some men out there who are willing to work to earn the respect they deserve and they should be given their rightful place at the head of the table and at the head of the family.  To my sisters, I say stop trying to control everything.  It’s okay to let a man know that you love him but you are afraid of being hurt.  If you want him to be a man, you have to give him the opportunity.  Stop expecting a man to stand up and be strong after being emasculated on a regular basis.  It’s okay to submit to a good man, relinquish the throne, trust that he will follow God, tame your tongue, and show some humility as a show of thanks for all that he does for you.

Men and Depression

According to the World Health Organization, by 2020, depression will be the leading cause of disability (Watkins, Green, Rivers, & Rowell, 2006).  The American Psychological Association defines depression as extreme feelings of sadness or despair that last for two weeks or longer and interfere with daily functioning.  These feelings may lead to hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.  That definition is great for a clinical diagnosis.  However, depression does not look the same in everyone and it certainly presents differently in men and women.

While women will be openly tearful and talk about their feelings, men will not.  Women will eagerly seek help from a therapist; most men will not.  Honestly, there are many times that men’s symptoms get overlooked as a physical illness or simply a character flaw.  Sometimes, the only two people who ever even see the symptoms of male depression are their significant other and maybe their primary care physician.  That’s why it’s important to know whether you are seeing signs of depression in yourself or your man.

For men, symptoms of depression include the typical loss of interest in pleasurable activities, feeling sad, irritable, or angry, and maybe even thoughts of suicide.  However, the rest of their symptoms may not seem like depression when they really are.  According to Marc Bain, as cited in Scelfo (2007), these include:

• talking very negatively or being excessively critical
• acting recklessly or without concern for others 
• abusing alcohol or drugs 
•  behaving violently and/or picking fights 
•  withdrawing from family/friends 
•  losing interest in work or school 
•  talking suddenly about separation or divorce 
•  losing the ability to concentrate 
•  eating too much or too little 
•  sleeping too much or too  little

Again, these behaviors can be overlooked as “Oh, that’s just how he is” when a man is really struggling with depression.  And because he won’t talk about it, no one will know unless someone is paying attention.  Our society has embedded an idea of what a man is in our brains and the acceptable definition does not include “depressed.”  A successful man is upbeat, strong, and in control.  Even Tony Soprano portrayed the “strong, silent type” to his therapist (Scelfo, 2007).

Men’s experience of depression is much different than women’s experience.  For example, men are less likely to cry, overeat, self soothe, talk about it, or seek help.  They are more likely to withdraw, abuse substances, and act out risky behaviors (Wilhelm, 2007).  Because men’s experience of depression can be so different than the standard diagnostic criteria, they may not even know how to label what they are feeling.  Not knowing how they feel can lead to feelings of fear, vulnerability, weakness, and loss of control.  These are not feelings that men like to feel or will readily admit to, much less talk about.  So, they are left to repress their depressive feelings and hope they will simply go away.  Unfortunately, this buildup of emotions, or emotional repression, can lead to physical illnesses such as sudden cardiac death, hypertension, and heart disease - which is the leading cause of death in men (CDC, 2010).

Wilhelm (2007) offers “The Big Build” model to explain what happens to men the more they repress their feelings of depression.  The continuum builds up like this:

• Avoiding it – avoidant behavior (e.g., over involvement in work)
• Numbing it – self-medicating (e.g., withdrawal, watching TV) 
• Escaping it – escape behavior (e.g., drug and alcohol abuse, sexual affairs) 
• Hating me, hurting you – feelings of aggression towards self and others (e.g., increase in intensity or frequency of angry outbursts, rage, or violence) 
• Stepping over the line – deliberate self-harm (e.g., suicidal ideation or attempt)

So, what can women do to help?  First of all, women must pay attention to the signs and symptoms they see in their significant other.  Once depression is suspected, the biggest thing we can do is to be respectful of a man’s feelings – not just his feelings of depression but the feelings of fear and vulnerability that come along with that.  Understand that men do not want to be seen as weak or out of control.  You will want to reassure him that you see him as strong, or stronger, for confronting his feelings and getting help.  Encourage him to open up and talk about what he is feeling, either with you, with his doctor, or with a therapist.  Most importantly, do not ever laugh at, joke about, or use his feelings against him.  In fact, you need to be a safe space for him to put his feelings out where he will not be judged, discounted, dethroned, or emasculated.  Finally, be patient with him, understanding that he will have to process his feelings in his own way and in his own time.  You cannot “fix” this for him [as much as I know you want to].  All you can do is love and support him through the storm and applaud him once he makes it to the brighter side.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2010). Leading causes of death in males. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/men/lcod/2010/LCODrace_ethnicityMen2010.pdf

Scelfo, J. (2007, February 26). Men and depression. Newsweek, 43-49.

Watkins, D.C., Green, B. L., Rivers, B.M. & Rowell, K. L. (2006). Depression and black men: Implications for future research. The Journal of Men’s Health & Gender, 3(3), 227-235. doi:10.1016/j.jmhg.2006.02.005-Watkins_etal2006.pdf

Wilhelm, K. A. (2009). Men and depression. Australian Family Physician, 38(3), 102-106.