4 to 5PM - Wow, the devastation of addiction. It destroys the lives of the addict AND the addict's family. An addict will risk EVERYTHING for their drug of choice - alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, sex, gambling, pornopgraphy, whatever. It's hard for me to imagine something making me forget that I'm a mother or a wife. It's hard for me to imagine something making me put my paycheck on the line by engaging in illegal activities while at work. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around "I know it hurts you. I see you crying. I realize that I could lose everything, including my family, but I just can't stop." However, even in the midst of my befuddlement, my heart goes out to both my client and his wife. It's got to be exhausting having to cater to an addiction every single time it calls you no matter what you are doing or how you are feeling. And it's got to be exhausting having to monitor both your kids AND your husband to make sure that they are ALL on their best behavior. We have discussed several different coping strategies but nothing seems to work. He may have to hit rock bottom and lose EVERYTHING before he can really make a change. Sad. 10 hours down, 7 hours to go.
From 5 to 6PM, there is a ray of sunshine! This client very rarely misses an appointment. She always completes all her homework. She pays out of pocket because she doesn't like the limitations placed on her by her insurance company, as far as who she sees and how many visits she is allowed to have. Her therapy is THAT IMPORTANT to her. She has already booked her weekly appointments through the end of the year. She gets better and better - brighter and happier, stronger and more self-assured. I LOVE watching her learn to love herself in spite of her flaws and believe in herself in spite of her fears. SHE is PROOF that therapy WORKS. You get out of therapy what you put into therapy. And this young lady faces her demons with honesty and courage. I clap, smile, hoot, and holler to celebrate her growth and accomplishments. The smile on her face, in response to my boisterous praise, is PRICELESS. 11 hours down, 6 hours to go.
6PM is dinner time. I grab a snack (and some more caffeine) and sit down with my intern to process a few things. "You can do that?," she asks me. "Do what?," I reply. "Show emotion like you just did," she says. "Uh, absolutely, you can!" She looks at me skeptically and says, "But in school, they tell us not to do that - to show no emotion; just be stoic." I let out a low chuckle because I remember being taught the same thing in "counseling school." "I genuinely care about my clients," I say, "and I would not dare withhold my authentic self from them when I ask them to be their authentic selves with me. So, when I'm proud of them or happy for them, I openly celebrate them." "Would you ever cry with them?," my intern asks. "If I felt their pain as deeply as they feel it, I would certainly allow myself to cry with them. I'm human and I understand their hurt. And what a gift that can be to a client to know that someone understands their deepest darkness and is willing to go there and be vulnerable with them." In the therapy chair, you learn fairly quickly that the book stuff only gives you a base of understanding, academically. YOU still have to experience your humanness, albeit controlled, in order to stay truly present with the client in the moment. 12 hours down, 5 more to go.
7 to 8PM comes with another couple trying to communicate. Their love for one another is obvious but so is the anger and doubt. She's angry because "my father didn't teach me what it felt like to be loved." "I never really knew how real love was supposed to feel," she says. "Then, how do you know that your husband is doing it wrong?," I ask. "Well, because it feels weird - it's boring, there's no drama." "Oh, so it's secure and stable and that scares the hell out of you," I say. Through her tears, she says, "Yes." "So, why, then, are you so extremely angry with him," I ask. "Because he is supposed to fill the void my father created and make me feel beautiful and special!," she states. "Then, I guarantee you he will continue to let you down. Because it is NOT his responsibility to fill the void your father created or to make you feel beautiful and special. YOU have to fill the void and heal the wounds with which your father left you. Your husband can't fix that for you and he should confirm, not create, your beauty and feelings of being special. Stop blaming your husband for the emptiness and self-loathing you have carried for all these years and LET HIM LOVE YOU. He's certainly TRYING." Her husband didn't say a word; didn't try to defend himself; simply put his arm around her and held her as she cried. Then, I noticed he was crying too. POWERFUL. 13 hours down, 4 more to go.
8 to 9PM The cutest little pre-marital couple comes in for their first visit. They seem to know each other very well. They are able to answer questions about each other accurately. Then, I dig a little deeper. The questions get a little harder. However, they take their time to think about their answers and they keep hitting the mark with what they know about each other. They agree on the importance of communication. They agree on having both joint and separate bank accounts. They agree on 2 kids after at least a year of marriage. They even agree that "swinging is definitely out but a little bondage is a good thing." However, they both learn something new about each other when we look at their foreplay maps to see how they're touching each other compared to how they prefer to be touched. It doesn't surprise me because new couples and younger couples don't want to hurt each other's feelings when it comes to discussing sexual satisfaction. What they don't realize, however, is that "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" and when needs are not being met, resentment becomes a real risk. So, first obstacle avoided - their foreplay will now be even better. FUN. 14 hours down, 3 more to go.
It takes from 9 to 11PM to review charts, enter progress notes, and tweak treatment plans as necessary. Once everything is put into the computer, I lock the electronic records and submit the claims, most of which are electronic. The paper claims print out next. I check those, fold them, stuff them in envelopes, and put a stamp and return address label on them. Put them in a stack to go to the mailbox. I have to get the deposits ready for the bank and deposit the checks over the phone. Damn, speaking of the phone, did I ever check my voicemail messages today? I don't think so. So, I check the voicemail. Five new messges. Oh well, my bad; I'll have to return calls tomorrow or Monday. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I missed my granddaughter's bedtime so I won't get her little kisses tonight. At least my boyfriend will be calling soon on his way to work. He's not going to be happy, though, that I'm just leaving the office at 11PM. Couldn't be helped. I would have been there even longer without my intern's help. I have been known to just sleep on the sofa in my office when I've stayed too late. I lock the file cabinet, turn out the lights, turn off the peaceful lobby music, put Josey up on my shoulder, turn out the office lights, set the alarm, and my intern and I leave the office, finally, after 13 hours. 16 hours down, 1 more to go.
11PM - I drive home where everyone is asleep. I fix myself a drink, kick my shoes off, change into my pajamas, and turn on the TV. My boyfriend calls on his way to work, we talk for a half hour, say our "I love yous," and hang up until in the morning when he'll call on his way home from work. I lay down to go to sleep at 12AM - Sunday. When I started this day, it was Saturday. Unbelievable. 17 hours down, no more to go.
