If I Could Turn Back Time

Do you ever think to yourself: “Geez, if I could turn back time…” or “If I could have a do-over knowing then what I know now…”? What would you change and why? How would your life look? Would you be who you are today if you went back and made changes? 

 

If I could turn back time, I would definitely have a different life than I do today.

 

I would’ve had the same parents, but they would be more emotionally available and speak my love languages. Maybe I would listen to them more. Maybe I wouldn’t have given my dad the phone when his mistress called our house. Then, my mom wouldn’t have gotten mad at me even though I was just a kid and had no idea my family was being torn apart.

 

I would’ve visited my grandmother when she asked me to instead of choosing to cheer instead. Had I known I’d never get the chance to see her again, I would’ve gone to visit and not put it off. Losing her definitely hurt more than not cheering at a football game would have.

 

I would’ve paid more attention and asked more questions when my parents were getting divorced. Then, I would’ve known that my dad loved me and fought for me to be with him. And had I known that, I wouldn’t have been so promiscuous. I wouldn’t have had the need because I wouldn’t have had the void to fill. Growing up, I almost always based my worth on how my dad saw me, or what he thought of me, until I learned better.  But knowing how much my dad loved me would’ve helped me love myself and demand the same from others. I wouldn’t have become a rescuer or an emotional chaser. I probably would’ve been more focused on school & trying to be as smart and successful as my dad. Perhaps I wouldn’t have felt the need to sacrifice so much to prove that I am lovable only to get hurt time & time again.

 

If I could turn back time, I would have put much more time & effort into playing soccer [competitively]; at least for a scholarship. Not that I’d have forfeited my academic scholarships but maybe I’d have had both.

 

I would’ve gone to the University of Alaska like I wanted so I wouldn’t have had to come home and deal with life. I would have majored in nursing perhaps or maybe stayed on the pre-med course. I definitely still think I’d have ended up in health care. Had I not gone to Simmons, though, I never would’ve met my friend Leah or my mentor, Francine. I never would have met Pam or Ellie while running a “lifers” group at Framingham WCI. I doubt if I would’ve embraced my power as a woman as I did at Simmons. Or maybe I would’ve chosen Barnard or Wellesley. Things would’ve been different, most definitely, but not necessarily better.

 

Had I chosen a  different college, maybe I wouldn’t have been raped the 1^st time at that abandoned house after riding the T (Boston public transportation) alone. Then, maybe I’d never have had to move home and go to UGA where I was raped [again] by two bastards who claimed to be my friends. Maybe I would be able to enjoy sex without being afraid or anxious. Maybe I wouldn’t believe that men feel entitled to fuck me, suck me, and touch me just because I’m “fine as hell” or “beautiful” or “sexy;” and hate them for it. I don’t know but maybe. I know I wouldn’t be able to replay that night in my head 33 years later because it would never have happened.

 

If I’d gotten an actual usable degree, maybe I wouldn’t have had a nervous breakdown because I hated myself, my life, and my first job so damn much. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up spending 30 days in the mental hospital after trying to kill myself for the 3^rd time. But then again, that’s where I found my worth & my purpose – on that [East] Indian nurse’s lap one night as she rocked me and told me “everything is going to be okay.”

 

If I could do life over, I hope that I would learn my worth a lot earlier in life. I hope I would’ve learned to value myself even when no one else did. Then, I wouldn’t have settled for all the schmucks I’ve dated in my life – the cheaters, liars, freaks, abusers, emotionally immature & unavailable. Maybe I would’ve picked a good man and had a happy 20+ year marriage. I definitely would’ve been more cognizant of character over looks. Money over minds. Reality over potential. 

 

I doubt if I’d be self-employed if I did life over again. It’s just too hard as much as it is freeing. You really need a solid support system to maintain a comfortable, secure self-employed life; a second income [with benefits] wouldn’t hurt.

 

I definitely would’ve learned a helluva lot more about money & credit!! I would’ve been a penny-pinching miser and held onto every dime I made or received. I would’ve paid cash for everything or maybe gotten ONE credit card, used it ONE time, and then paid it off just so I could have perfect credit [as an adult]. But I would have plenty in the bank for a rainy day. I would’ve saved up until I could buy a house built from the ground up to all my “short girl” specifications.

 

I would not have children. I would not get married [to the two men I chose]. I would work out more so I could still be sexy at 52 and full of energy. I would find my own spiritual path as well. The older I get, the more I question this “God” in whom we believe. The teachings don’t make sense when you really think about it. We signed up to suffer [here on Earth] and have abundant life [in Heaven]. Is that the reward for living in Hell on Earth? Abundant life when you are no longer alive? I’m still wrestling with that one daily. If I could turn back time, I would read about and study different religions and different forms of spirituality to see what made sense and what felt right in my spirit instead of just accepting what I was taught without questioning any of it.

 

At first, I thought I would’ve wanted my parents to stay together so as not to face the trauma of my dad walking out. But then, I realized, I just would’ve wanted things to have happened a different way. My parents would not have had a happy marriage if they were still together. So it wouldn’t have been the best thing. 

 

There are so many things I would do differently if I had it to do over again. I can’t say that any of it would make me happy though. The two most important things that would make me happy, I either cannot have or are out of my control. So, even if I went back in time, I couldn’t change those things.

 

I would marry my soulmate, my twin flame, the love of my life [if he was who he is today]. I would love him to life and live happily ever after for the rest of our days. Had he been my husband all along, my daughter would not be strung out on drugs because she actually listened to him. But, again, I would not choose to have children if I had a chance to do life over again. I would prefer being free and wealthy! Back then, however, my soulmate may have destroyed me because of who he was and what he was going through. I couldn’t change him going back to do my life over again – he would be the same. I may have believed I could love him enough to make his life great but that is never the truth for anyone. I probably would have died trying though.  So, maybe that wouldn’t be the best thing ether. 

 

So many things I wish were different. Different family. Different experiences. Different financial structure and knowledge. Different level of street sense and practical knowledge. Different spiritual base. Different friends. Different men. Different life. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my life as it is for the most part. It is what it is. I can’t go back in time. I can’t unring any bells. I can’t take away any pain I’ve suffered. I can’t change any bad decisions or regrets. I cannot change what I was taught as a child. I cannot change the bad or the good because it is in the past. It’s done.

 

All those things have made me who I am today. And yet, as proud as I am of my journey and the woman I have become, I am still haunted by the whispers of:

·      never being chosen

·      never being good enough

·      never finding anyone to love me as deeply & selflessly as I love them

·      never being more than financially secure but comfortable

·      never being debt free [again]

·      never being carefree and happy-go-lucky with nothing about which to stress

 

And in the darkest places of my soul, despite how hard I work to create joy and have peace in my life, I still think to myself:

If I could turn back time, if I could have a do-over, I would have made damn sure to cut my wrists vertically rather than horizontally to make damn sure my first suicide attempt had been successful. Then I wouldn’t have to think of any it because the last 36 years would not have happened. The only pain I would have suffered would have been my father leaving. No other pain, sorrow, sadness, or letdowns would have happened.

 

But I know that is not really an option. I cannot go back; only forward. So, what am I going to do differently to make my life better for me? How am I going to breathe life into myself? How am I going to get financially comfortable? How am I going to love myself [more] and [continue to] create joy in my life on a daily basis? For what am I going to hold myself accountable? How am I going to be truly okay with being alone and not being chosen? It’s all up to me because I am responsible for creating my legacy and fulfilling my destiny! Just me! There is no one at whom I can point fingers or on whom I can place blame for my life circumstances. I can have better if I put in the effort. The choice is mine. There is no failure unless I QUIT!

My Therapist’s Cape Is at the Cleaners

“… From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.” Luke 12:48 (AMP) 

“You don’t lead by hitting people over the head – that’s assault not leadership.” Dwight D. Eisenhower 

Being a therapist comes with much responsibility. It is a duty in which people entrust you with their most vulnerable thoughts and feelings. Our clients look to us to lead them through darkness and confusion into the light of knowing. At times, I believe our clients think we just sit around waiting to do therapy all day – ready to answer at their beck and call. Or maybe that is the expectation I have created for my clients – because I genuinely care about them, their feelings, and their lives. Unfortunately, I think our clients forget that we are human and have lives of our own. And our lives are not perfect because we are therapists. 

We don’t really wear a superhero cape. We don’t have all the answers. We don’t know everything. We try our best to guide our clients in the best way for them. But sometimes, our lives have us living in chaos, hurt, fear, anxiety, confusion, and impostor syndrome too. Sometimes we feel unlovable, defeated, broken, tired, emotionally drained, and hopeless too. We go to therapy for our personal issues so that we have room in our psyche to help our clients process theirs. Some have a foundation of faith on which we rely to comfort us through some of the roughest times. But just like I tell my clients, “The Teacher is always silent during a test.” So, we pray and search for answers just like you. We cry. We hurt. We quit. We yell. We cuss. We fuss. We get angry. We get overwhelmed. Just like you. 

Unlike you, however, we have to deal with our shit WHILE continuing to see clients. Because those of us in private practice, don’t earn a living when we don’t see clients. While money is not the motivator for me, I have come to learn that it is necessary to survive here on Earth. And I have also tried to explain this concept to God. We need money, not manna, on which to live down here. So, imagine this: 

You are the one that all your friends and family come to in order to “run something by you” or “get your opinion” or “just vent.” And they start talking before ever asking how you’re doing or if you even have time to talk. They have no idea that: 

• your paycheck has been jacked up over the last few pay periods, 
• you have no significant savings because you’ve been trying to make ends meet, 
• your significant other, whom you help in any way you can, just told you they don’t really love you but have fallen in love with someone else & want to have an open relationship, 
• your youngest child just got diagnosed with asthma & will need daily breathing treatments, 
• your oldest child was caught lighting fires in the school bathroom and has been suspended pending a psychological evaluation, 
• your father is battling cancer, 
• your kitchen floor is buckling for some unknown reason, 
• your dog had to have emergency surgery that cost you $2500, 
• your wages may be garnished by the IRS, 
• you haven’t been able to work out for your normal stress relief because of a knee injury, 
• you can’t get a doctor’s appointment until next month and even then, you still must meet your deductible, 
• your car needs to be washed from when your friend got sick out the window on the way to urgent care, 
• your bills are due for both your house AND your office, and
• you have no available sick leave or vacation time to just take a break from it all. 

And after you finish running through this list in your head, the person, to whom you are supposed to be listening, is STILL TALKING. So, you try to stay present with a smile on your face, hear them out, offer what you can, and head home. To what? More chaos. More problems. After you’ve put out the fires at home, you are dead tired. There’s no time to even think about how you are going to pay the bills with no more money coming in for weeks. There is no time to figure out how you feel about your significant other, much less, having an open relationship. You try to sleep but your knee keeps you from getting really comfortable. Your significant other is not next to you so there’s that thought again. 

What do you do? It’s almost 2:00AM and you forgot to call your therapist to make an appointment. Your friends are all asleep at this hour. You try to pray but it’s the same prayer you’ve prayed a thousand times, “I need help, Lord. I need a financial blessing. I need healing. I need peace in my life. I need a vacation. I feel like I’m drowning. Help me, Lord.” So, you cry into your pillow until you fall asleep only to hear the damn alarm clock go off four hours later. It's 6:00AM and you’ve got to face another day. 

Now put yourself in the role of your therapist. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe they didn’t return your call because their kid was having an asthma attack? Have you ever thought maybe the reason they didn’t get your paperwork out early was because they had to bury a family member? Have you ever thought that the reason they cannot “fit you in this week” is because they are already booked and need to have time to eat at some point during the day? What are your therapist’s off days? Do you know? If you know them, why would you text, call, or email them on those days, much less, expect a response? If you don’t know them, you should find out because we need our personal time too. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Gee, I hope my therapist is okay” when they are late, don’t show, or have to cancel an appointment? Or do you just get annoyed or angry? 

What I’m saying is going to be hard for some people to hear but I always speak my truth from a place of love and respect for what I do. All my clients know, and love, that about me. Here it is with no sugar coating: 

LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU EVEN WHEN IT IS YOUR SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TIME! 

Anything could be going on. Your therapist could’ve gotten sick or fallen and hit their head. They could be talking to a suicidal client or their father’s oncologist. Their dog may have just pooped right in the middle of the floor. Their significant other could’ve just walked out. Maybe they were taking some Tylenol to combat a headache so they could go ahead and talk to you. Maybe they were taking a breathing treatment for their own asthma. Maybe their kid didn’t get off the bus. Maybe they had a flat tire. Maybe they stopped to help a neighbor. Or, maybe, they are just human and running late or forgot or fell asleep from exhaustion. Shit happens – even to your therapist. So, here is my challenge to you: 

Care about your therapist as much as you want them to care about you – human being to human being - and realize that sometimes our capes are at the cleaners. 

Thank you to all my clients who check on me, show me grace, give me the benefit of the doubt, send cards, pray for me, and encourage me to take time off. Thank you for your forgiveness when I fall short and for reminding me that it is okay for me to be human too sometimes. You may never know how much your caring gestures mean to me. Many a time a message from a client – “just checking on you,” “I appreciate you,” “praying for you, Dr. G,” etc. – has kept me from walking away from private practice to go get a job as a night stocker at Kroger. 😉