Do you ever think to yourself: “Geez, if I could turn back time…” or “If I could have a do-over knowing then what I know now…”? What would you change and why? How would your life look? Would you be who you are today if you went back and made changes?
If I could turn back time, I would definitely have a different life than I do today.
I would’ve had the same parents, but they would be more emotionally available and speak my love languages. Maybe I would listen to them more. Maybe I wouldn’t have given my dad the phone when his mistress called our house. Then, my mom wouldn’t have gotten mad at me even though I was just a kid and had no idea my family was being torn apart.
I would’ve visited my grandmother when she asked me to instead of choosing to cheer instead. Had I known I’d never get the chance to see her again, I would’ve gone to visit and not put it off. Losing her definitely hurt more than not cheering at a football game would have.
I would’ve paid more attention and asked more questions when my parents were getting divorced. Then, I would’ve known that my dad loved me and fought for me to be with him. And had I known that, I wouldn’t have been so promiscuous. I wouldn’t have had the need because I wouldn’t have had the void to fill. Growing up, I almost always based my worth on how my dad saw me, or what he thought of me, until I learned better. But knowing how much my dad loved me would’ve helped me love myself and demand the same from others. I wouldn’t have become a rescuer or an emotional chaser. I probably would’ve been more focused on school & trying to be as smart and successful as my dad. Perhaps I wouldn’t have felt the need to sacrifice so much to prove that I am lovable only to get hurt time & time again.
If I could turn back time, I would have put much more time & effort into playing soccer [competitively]; at least for a scholarship. Not that I’d have forfeited my academic scholarships but maybe I’d have had both.
I would’ve gone to the University of Alaska like I wanted so I wouldn’t have had to come home and deal with life. I would have majored in nursing perhaps or maybe stayed on the pre-med course. I definitely still think I’d have ended up in health care. Had I not gone to Simmons, though, I never would’ve met my friend Leah or my mentor, Francine. I never would have met Pam or Ellie while running a “lifers” group at Framingham WCI. I doubt if I would’ve embraced my power as a woman as I did at Simmons. Or maybe I would’ve chosen Barnard or Wellesley. Things would’ve been different, most definitely, but not necessarily better.
Had I chosen a different college, maybe I wouldn’t have been raped the 1st time at that abandoned house after riding the T (Boston public transportation) alone. Then, maybe I’d never have had to move home and go to UGA where I was raped [again] by two bastards who claimed to be my friends. Maybe I would be able to enjoy sex without being afraid or anxious. Maybe I wouldn’t believe that men feel entitled to fuck me, suck me, and touch me just because I’m “fine as hell” or “beautiful” or “sexy;” and hate them for it. I don’t know but maybe. I know I wouldn’t be able to replay that night in my head 33 years later because it would never have happened.
If I’d gotten an actual usable degree, maybe I wouldn’t have had a nervous breakdown because I hated myself, my life, and my first job so damn much. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up spending 30 days in the mental hospital after trying to kill myself for the 3rd time. But then again, that’s where I found my worth & my purpose – on that [East] Indian nurse’s lap one night as she rocked me and told me “everything is going to be okay.”
If I could do life over, I hope that I would learn my worth a lot earlier in life. I hope I would’ve learned to value myself even when no one else did. Then, I wouldn’t have settled for all the schmucks I’ve dated in my life – the cheaters, liars, freaks, abusers, emotionally immature & unavailable. Maybe I would’ve picked a good man and had a happy 20+ year marriage. I definitely would’ve been more cognizant of character over looks. Money over minds. Reality over potential.
I doubt if I’d be self-employed if I did life over again. It’s just too hard as much as it is freeing. You really need a solid support system to maintain a comfortable, secure self-employed life; a second income [with benefits] wouldn’t hurt.
I definitely would’ve learned a helluva lot more about money & credit!! I would’ve been a penny-pinching miser and held onto every dime I made or received. I would’ve paid cash for everything or maybe gotten ONE credit card, used it ONE time, and then paid it off just so I could have perfect credit [as an adult]. But I would have plenty in the bank for a rainy day. I would’ve saved up until I could buy a house built from the ground up to all my “short girl” specifications.
I would not have children. I would not get married [to the two men I chose]. I would work out more so I could still be sexy at 52 and full of energy. I would find my own spiritual path as well. The older I get, the more I question this “God” in whom we believe. The teachings don’t make sense when you really think about it. We signed up to suffer [here on Earth] and have abundant life [in Heaven]. Is that the reward for living in Hell on Earth? Abundant life when you are no longer alive? I’m still wrestling with that one daily. If I could turn back time, I would read about and study different religions and different forms of spirituality to see what made sense and what felt right in my spirit instead of just accepting what I was taught without questioning any of it.
At first, I thought I would’ve wanted my parents to stay together so as not to face the trauma of my dad walking out. But then, I realized, I just would’ve wanted things to have happened a different way. My parents would not have had a happy marriage if they were still together. So it wouldn’t have been the best thing.
There are so many things I would do differently if I had it to do over again. I can’t say that any of it would make me happy though. The two most important things that would make me happy, I either cannot have or are out of my control. So, even if I went back in time, I couldn’t change those things.
I would marry my soulmate, my twin flame, the love of my life [if he was who he is today]. I would love him to life and live happily ever after for the rest of our days. Had he been my husband all along, my daughter would not be strung out on drugs because she actually listened to him. But, again, I would not choose to have children if I had a chance to do life over again. I would prefer being free and wealthy! Back then, however, my soulmate may have destroyed me because of who he was and what he was going through. I couldn’t change him going back to do my life over again – he would be the same. I may have believed I could love him enough to make his life great but that is never the truth for anyone. I probably would have died trying though. So, maybe that wouldn’t be the best thing ether.
So many things I wish were different. Different family. Different experiences. Different financial structure and knowledge. Different level of street sense and practical knowledge. Different spiritual base. Different friends. Different men. Different life. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my life as it is for the most part. It is what it is. I can’t go back in time. I can’t unring any bells. I can’t take away any pain I’ve suffered. I can’t change any bad decisions or regrets. I cannot change what I was taught as a child. I cannot change the bad or the good because it is in the past. It’s done.
All those things have made me who I am today. And yet, as proud as I am of my journey and the woman I have become, I am still haunted by the whispers of:
· never being chosen
· never being good enough
· never finding anyone to love me as deeply & selflessly as I love them
· never being more than financially secure but comfortable
· never being debt free [again]
· never being carefree and happy-go-lucky with nothing about which to stress
And in the darkest places of my soul, despite how hard I work to create joy and have peace in my life, I still think to myself:
If I could turn back time, if I could have a do-over, I would have made damn sure to cut my wrists vertically rather than horizontally to make damn sure my first suicide attempt had been successful. Then I wouldn’t have to think of any it because the last 36 years would not have happened. The only pain I would have suffered would have been my father leaving. No other pain, sorrow, sadness, or letdowns would have happened.
But I know that is not really an option. I cannot go back; only forward. So, what am I going to do differently to make my life better for me? How am I going to breathe life into myself? How am I going to get financially comfortable? How am I going to love myself [more] and [continue to] create joy in my life on a daily basis? For what am I going to hold myself accountable? How am I going to be truly okay with being alone and not being chosen? It’s all up to me because I am responsible for creating my legacy and fulfilling my destiny! Just me! There is no one at whom I can point fingers or on whom I can place blame for my life circumstances. I can have better if I put in the effort. The choice is mine. There is no failure unless I QUIT!
