I’m not sure what happened. If you look at my bank account, it appears that I am making money. But, somehow, I never see it. I don’t know if it is secretly being stolen or what. I do not shop for clothes, shoes, purses, or jewelry. In fact, I hate to shop. I rarely go out to eat. I don’t go to clubs, bars, or even to the movies. I only get my hair and nails done once per month. I don’t go on extravagant vacations. I don’t have six months’ worth of expenses in savings. So, where is my money?!
My money has been so scarce this year that I battled foreclosure, repossession of my car, bill collectors calling incessantly, and watched my credit score go lower than it has ever been in my life because of late & missed payments.
I know better than to allow stress to compound or become chronic, though, because stress can kill you! Stress causes a plethora of problems including, but not limited to, headaches, digestive upset, weight gain, irritability, and insomnia. Stress suppresses your immunity to common illnesses, increases your cortisol levels, and inflames the circulatory system. When stress is not dealt with effectively, it can lead from symptoms to actual disease and/or death. For example, chronic stress causes chronic inflammation of the circulatory system which causes hypertension, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, and possibly death. In addition to physical symptoms and disease, your mental health is negatively affected as well. Stress can affect our memory, comprehension, and focus. You find yourself unable to gather your thoughts, finish projects, or even keep your house clean. This disruption can lead to depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, and possibly suicide.
Yet, stress is a natural reaction… unless your fight-flight-freeze button gets stuck in the on position…
This all started when my mortgage company DOUBLED my mortgage OVERNIGHT with NO WARNING! I got a regular bill in February and a bill for twice as much in March. There was no way I could pay double my mortgage. I was making ends meet with the mortgage I had and was getting excited about refinancing so it could go even lower. So, March began the Job season from Hell!
And wouldn’t you know it, we were studying the book of Job in my Community Bible Study class. Ugh! I have often told God, “I am not Job! I will curse you and die! So, don’t bet on me against Satan; I am not Job!” LOL. Well, I guess God finally called my bluff because before I knew it, I was in a Job season like never before. Every month got worse and worse – less money, more debt. Yet, I am working my ass off seeing more clients than I care to because new clients continue to be referred. Which led to my next conversation with God.
I am not sure what’s going on up there, Lord, but I am drowning down here. You ask me to show up every day and answer the calling you put on my life. And I do it willingly and with joy in my heart. I pour out to people every single day of my life while very little gets poured back in. So, what would You have me do, Lord? I cannot work any more hours than I already work. I cannot make any more money than I already make because I don’t have time to write books or facilitate workshops much less have the money to finance anything like that. You have not yet blessed me with a Godly husband and I cannot afford to take time off to rejuvenate. How am I supposed to be fully present with those You send my way if I am consumed with worry about my own financial demise? So, I am at Your mercy. You’ve got me hemmed up and held hostage because You know I cannot make a move without You. I’ve applied to jobs; You have said, “No.” So, I am just not sure what to do, Lord. I cannot pour from an empty vessel. And I cannot live on Earth without enough money to pay my bills! Please help me, Lord God – not just to pay my bills but to have a cushion so I feel safe and financially secure, please!!
And then there were crickets… no answer, not one sound. It was like I was on call block and my messages were not getting through. As children, we learn that when you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. So, that’s what I did. I didn’t cuss. I didn’t fuss. I asked for prayer for my finances. I repented for not being a good steward of my money (e.g., Walmart and Amazon). And I conceded that God’s will would be done, not mine. I can’t say that I was afraid or even angry – just numb, really. I didn’t understand why God was not talking to me and allowing me to drown financially.
One day, as I was looking in the backyard, I saw all the things I’d bought to set up a prayer space to spend time with God – a task He’d given me at the first of the year. I kept saying I’d get to it but as of the summertime, I still had not done it. Bill collectors were calling daily. Threats of foreclosure were coming in the mail. My house was getting cluttered and messy because I was not motivated to do anything beyond show up for work. The only choice I felt I had was to have faith. Faith and fear require the same amount of energy and they both require that you believe in something not seen. Fear was not going to help my situation; so, faith it was. I would just have to Forward All Issues To Heaven (FAITH).
And still, the money was not coming like I needed. Imagine, for example, going from $3,000 deposits, making almost $10,000 per month to $300 deposits, making only about $4,000 per month. It’s not a sustainable budget when your mortgage goes from $1500 to $3000! You feel me?!
In August, I started creating my “sanctuary.” With my friend Mary’s help, we cleared a path through the thicket in my backyard, found an open area, built a platform, and set up a tent. I decorated the tent with purple carpets and lights and furnished it with a desk/coffee table, floor chair, and pillows. I surrounded the outside with rocks that have random scriptures etched on them and placed a beautiful angel outside to guard each side of the door. And by September, I had a private place to go and be with God – to pray, meditate, listen, study, and worship.
During this time, a good friend, and soror, told me I should contact the Georgia Mortgage Assistance Program (GMAP). So, I did. As soon as my sanctuary was complete, I received a message from GMAP saying they were going to pay off my past due balance plus three extra months ahead to help me get back on my feet! Then, enough money showed up for me to catch up on my car note; so, the repossession process stopped as well. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!! I thought I had survived my Job season and was headed toward restoration like Job!
But that’s not what happened. You probably thought you were going to get a huge praise report about how God restored all that I had lost, and more, like He did for Job. Well, that is not what has happened so far. He saved my house, and He saved my car. Absolutely! And I am beyond grateful for His grace. Yet, I am still left wondering how I am going to pay a $3000 mortgage in January, how I am ever going to get caught up, and if I am going to be facing the same stress next year.
As much as I know God does not need my help, I am human. So, I’ve played the lottery – just $2 here and there, applied for over 50 full-time jobs with a steady paycheck and benefits, applied for grants, tried to collect balances owed to me from clients, and even drafted an awesome workshop I’d like to facilitate next year – all to “give God a way to bless me financially.” LOL. It sounds crazy I know but I just don’t believe the kind of money I’m asking for is just going to show up in my bank account or be given to me by a random stranger.
I am not asking to become a millionaire. But I am asking God to make me debt-free, and a million dollars would do just that. I could pay off my house, student loans, credit cards, people I owe, utilities, and my car and once again have a clean slate. Being debt-free is a freedom like no other and I have been there ONCE in my life. And I want that feeling back – where I can just take a full breath, knowing my bills are paid and will continue to be paid, and thanking God for more than provision. God knows my heart is not selfish. I also want to be able to help my clients when I can. I like to send books and things that I believe will help them, if they cannot afford, or would not think to purchase them. I have sent many different things to clients, including, but not limited to, MCAT study books, fidget gadgets, nail polish, cards, tea, dammit dolls, travel books, plane tickets, etc. And I feel powerless to help beyond sitting in my therapy chair these days.
So, why did I write this blog post today? I write whatever is on my mind, first of all. I hadn’t written anything all year. I needed to vent, confess, repent, and praise God publicly for all He has done for me. And I wanted to let you all know what JOY is. Because despite everything I have suffered through this year - my credit tanking, my bank account still being incredibly low, and no idea about what money, if any, will come anytime soon, I want for nothing! I have so much for which to be grateful and my heart and spirit are filled with JOY! I love the Lord. He hears my cry. And I thank Him that I can:
• Walk • Talk • See • Hear • Read • Write • Comprehend • Breathe on my own • Feed myself • Bathe myself • Dress myself • Toilet myself • Feel people hug me • Shepherd His sheep
And that I have:
• A personal relationship with Him • His grace • His mercy • His Word • A cherished Bible study group • A sanctuary • Food • Clothes • Shelter • A good education • A career I love • Some money in the bank • Friends • Family • Love • Laughter • Twin Frenchies • A horse • A car • Hopes • Dreams • Ambition • Faith • Creativity • Health • Strength • Wisdom and • A life, filled with opportunities, that He did not allow me to end!
That is JOY!!! Happiness takes a lot for some people, and they still don’t achieve it. My mom always said, “The less it takes to make you happy, the happier you will be.” How true! Because at the end of the day, tangible things never really fill that void completely. Tangible things cannot speak God’s peace into your spirit, pray for you, or comfort you when you are disparaged. Happiness is circumstantial. It can be ruined at the drop of a hat. And it doesn’t require you to go too deep or to be vulnerable. But JOY is something we must consciously and intentionally choose to create for ourselves. Joy lives deep within and can be tapped into even in your darkest hour. Joy comes from grace – the grace that we show ourselves, the grace we show others, and the grace God shows us each day that we wake.
Research has shown that increasing positive emotions like joy, contentment, and enthusiasm, helps reduce stress acutely and may also protect our health long-term. Researchers recommend we engage in activities we enjoy, build strong relationships, walk away from drama, exercise, rest, and find a therapist to help us process stress. Clinically, professionally, and personally, I concur with all the above.
So, my wish for all who read this is to create true JOY in your life in 2024 by prioritizing the truly lasting, important things in life – some of which, and whom, we take for granted daily. Make connections. Make memories. Open your heart and mind to EXPERIENCE life fully with no regrets. Don’t wait for “someday” because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Create JOY however you want to – check off your bucket list, renew an old friendship, learn a new hobby or language, etc. - today and every day in the future!
Other than God’s, you don’t need anyone’s permission, approval, or provision to do you, Boo!
