What is Love?

 Love (noun) \ ˈləv  \ :

1.a:

1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

2. attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers

3. affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

1.b: an assurance of affection

2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion

3.a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

3.b:

              1. a beloved person: DARLING – often used as a term of endearment

              2. British – used as an informal term of address

4.a: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: such as

              1. the fatherly concern of God for humankind

              2. brotherly concern for others

4.b: a person’s adoration of God

5. a god (such as Cupid or Eros) of personification of love

6. an amorous episode: LOVE AFFAIR

7. the sexual embrace: COPULATION

8. a score of zero (as in tennis)

9. capitalized, Christian Science: GOD

Synonyms: affection, respect, devotion, passion

Antonyms: hate, hatred, dislike, hostility, loathing

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Love. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved September 19, 2024, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love

According to Merriam-Webster, " love " has seventeen different definition iterations. It’s a feeling, term of endearment, Godly benevolence, personification, episode, sexual act, and tennis score. It has synonyms and antonyms. But no definition alone seems to suffice.

Let’s compare some Biblical translations about love as written in 1 Corinthians 13:

Amplified Bible	The New Living Translation	The Message
Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]. Love never fails [it never fades nor ends].	Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. But love will last forever!	So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

I’ve been doing therapy for over 15 years and have heard many definitions of love. People say, “I love you,” with tears in their eyes. People say, “I love you,” with venom. I ask couples why they want to stay together, and they inevitably say, “Because I love them.” Couples stay together in miserable, sexless, cold, lonely marriages because they “love” each other. People attack each other viciously, both verbally and physically, and finish their assault with, “But I love you.” Seriously?

How can you say something hurtful and mean AND “I love you” out of the same mouth? How can you lie or cheat on someone you claim to love and still look them in the eye and say, “I love you”? How do you live in the same house, not speak to each other, sleep in separate bedrooms, and still say, “I love you”?

Love isn’t just something said to placate, silence, or appease someone. It’s not just words at all. While it is defined as a noun, it functions better as a verb. When you truly love someone, your actions and words must be CONGRUENT. Love is not just one action either (e.g., “I cook dinner” or “I buy you gifts”); it’s a plethora of different actions that manifest in various situations.

When reading “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Clint Black was intrigued by the suggestion “that our relationships — all of them — would be more successful if we treated love as a verb instead of a noun.” So much so that he wrote his song, “What We Do,” which says:

Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do
It's holding tight, lettin' go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too
It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do

We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start

Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong

There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do

These lyrics represent love as defined in the dictionary and the Bible, but more importantly, as defined in his heart through his experiences. Love means different things to different people.

Love is a refuge from life’s storms. It is peaceful and safe, not scary and threatening. Love is life-affirming, not life-ending. Babies failing to thrive will grow and heal simply by being touched by loving hands. There was a program at the local trauma center in Atlanta, Grady Hospital, where older women simply rocked the babies in the NICU. They didn’t have to say anything. Those babies lived because they felt loved by the warmth of the touch and the embraces they experienced. That’s how powerful love is. We need to feel love in our souls, not just know it in our heads.

Knowing someone loves you and hearing “I love you” will only take you so far. Feeling someone’s love for you is knowing love in the depths of your soul and hearing the soft whisper of a beautiful song in your heart. Love is sacrificing without complaint or resentment. True love lasts through the worst of times. Love is clearly recognizable.

Let me leave you with a story that showed me what true love is:

I was a nurse at the Shepherd Center, an Atlanta spinal cord rehab hospital. I saw patients with minimal to no visitors while in the hospital. I signed divorce papers once for a quadriplegic who couldn’t use his hands or arms; then I wiped his tears. My heart broke for those patients whose love was abandoned at the worst time of their lives. Then, I met a couple who healed my hope.

This couple had been in a rollover accident in a pickup truck. The truck rolled over the woman and paralyzed her from about the nipples down. So, she had no use of her arms, hands, torso, or legs – shoulders and head only. Her husband was with her every day from the minute visiting hours started to the minute they ended. He attended her therapies and wanted to know everything happening with her.

One day, he asked me if I could teach him how to shave his wife’s legs. “That was always really important to her,” he said. So, I taught him, and he shaved her legs. Another day, he asked me if I could teach him how to paint his wife’s toenails. “She loved getting her toes done,” he said. So, I taught him, and he painted her toenails. Because she couldn’t feel anything, she slept through these activities.

When the woman woke up and saw her little red toenails poking up from under the sheets, though, she broke down crying. She looked at me and said, “Thank you. That was so sweet of you.” I explained that her husband had actually done her nails for her, and she started balling. He immediately started apologizing for it not being as good a job as they do at the salon. Then, this conversation ensued:

Wife: It’s not that. I just don’t understand WHY you did that. Why would you do that? 

Husband: [Looking incredulous and confused]. What do you mean, “why”? You love getting your toes done!

Wife: No, you don’t get it. Why would you do that for me NOW? Look at me!

Husband: I am looking at you! What are you talking about? You’re my wife.

Wife: I can’t even be a wife to you anymore. LOOK AT ME! There is nothing I can do for you anymore!

Husband: You are the love of my life. You, not your body. You are still beautiful to me. The woman I fell in love with, the woman I married, is still INSIDE. I LOVE YOU! And I will always do whatever I can to show you how much I love and care about you. You have done so much for me all these years; it’s my turn to take care of you.

Finally, he dried her tears, kissed her gently, and went home for the evening. And I went home with a whole new understanding of what love was. Love was never leaving his wife’s side. Love was ensuring he learned how to take care of her post-injury. Love was inspiring her to keep going. Love was intimately knowing the little things that made her happy and learning to do those things for her. Love was valuing the woman she was on the inside, not what was different about her body post-injury. Love was reassuring her that he was her ride or die “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death. 

That is what love was, is, and will forever be.