"You Can’t Be Mad at God” – Where is THAT in the Bible?

Part of this Good Friday morning’s prayer said: “Lord God, we too ask where you are when there is trouble and suffering and death and we cry out to You for help.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t always ask that question nicely. LOL. It may come with a raised voice, stomping, tears, etc. But it reminded me of a recent session I had with my therapist. [Every therapist should have a therapist. We are human after all.🙂]

My therapist is never afraid to challenge me. However, I think I caught her off guard when I said, “God and I are at odds right now. I am angry with Him.” The impression I got was her clutching her pearls and making the sign of the Cross as though I had just committed the ultimate, most blasphemous sin. LOL. It led to a frustrating session in which I felt unheard and misunderstood, but I was also prompted to think critically and engage in self-reflection. And to my surprise, it gave me a deeper understanding of why I tried to die five times. 

Each time I attempted suicide, all those years ago, I was angry with God because I thought He’d forsaken me, forgotten about me, didn’t see or hear me, didn’t care about my pain, and didn’t love me enough to answer my prayers. But I couldn’t say that to anyone without being told how wrong I was. And I certainly couldn’t say it to God, right? He would think I was ungrateful and be disappointed in me. Right? Without God, I felt I had no one to whom to turn. When you are drowning in hopelessness, like Jelly Roll says, "Somedays you feel you're better off laying in that dirt." In my woundedness, I interpreted scripture with a warped filter. To me, the Word seemed to say that we only get true peace & joy after death, in eternity with God, after long suffering in life. I convinced myself that life meant suffering and death meant peace. So, I chose the latter. And God said, "No." My Bible study classes have helped deepen my understanding of God and forever remind me that the prodigal son walked away from his father, not vice versa. And like Jesus, the father was waiting with love once his child saw the light.

But, back to my therapy session a couple of months ago… I feel like my therapist grossly misinterpreted what I said and drew conclusions that were far from the truth. <Flashback: uh-oh, I am wrong and being ungrateful again – so the gremlins tried to convince me.> To me, my therapist implied that I:

• Lacked faith
• I have tremendous faith in God. Only He can do what He does. Like all other [Christian] believers, I have moments of doubt. A temporary wavering of faith does not mean I have no faith at all. It simply confirms that I am human.
• Have a negative view of [a benevolent] God
• I have a realistic view of God. I understand that as our Father, who loves us, He says “no” sometimes, punishes sin, and gets disappointed and angry with our disobedience. He is benevolent in that He is merciful and gives us unlimited opportunities to repent, correct our behavior, and get into alignment with His will. He is benevolent in that He is completely good, no sins or griefs to bear. He is benevolent in sending His only Son to die on the cross for mine and your salvation.
• Expect a transactional relationship with God
• I do not expect God to give me anything in exchange for my obedience, which He commands. I do expect Him to honor His promises to:
• Always be with me: "I will be with you, and I will watch over you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).
• Never leave me or forsake me: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).
• Have good plans for me: "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).
• Give me peace: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).
• Strengthen me: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).
• Provide for me: "But my God will meet every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).
• Forgive my sins: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).
• Was acting like a spoiled child [of God] throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted from my [Heavenly] Father
• I need money, not manna, to pay bills and survive on Earth. I was not pouting or throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get the doll I wanted for Christmas. I was frustrated, disappointed, and afraid because I felt as though God had forsaken me; He had not provided enough money for me to live on for the last three years, given me peace (i.e., financial security), or strengthened me through this period of lack. [In fact, I am feeling more fatigued than ever with the financial struggle]. I am self-employed, meaning I have no PTO, benefits, or a flex spending card, and I can only work a limited number of hours per day. God is the only other provider on whom I can depend. “Do not be far from me, for trouble is near; and there is no one to help.” (Psalms 22:11 AMP)
• Doubt God’s ability or plan
• The best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plan. I learned that the hard way when I told God I was going to end my life myself because I was tired of the long suffering. I am a living testimony that God’s will SHALL be done no matter how fast you run, where you try to hide, how often you ignore His call, or how far off the path you go. I know His plan for me and have accepted it wholeheartedly.
• Believe I am equal, somehow, to God and therefore have the right to question Him
• This was laughable; especially coming from the same therapist who experienced my full-blown panic attack after just THINKING to myself, “You ARE very good at what you do;” believing I had disappointed God, and discounted His power, in my “perceived” arrogance. LOL. I cannot make the sun rise or set. I cannot create life from dust. I cannot make animals, trees, mountains, snow, or rain. I would have to be parlously presumptuous to think I am equal to God. He does, however, give us freedom of thought and I can absolutely question Him. Now, mind you, I imagine He sits on His throne, shaking His head, saying, “This child here…Peter, don’t answer that; just send it to voicemail. I will deal with Michael-Renee later…” LOL And I am well aware that He does not owe me any answers. He made me who I am. He already knows that I may question, fuss, cry, stomp, or whatever; then, I am going right back to studying the Word and being fully present in His calling on my life.

When Jesus was crucified, the people mockingly asked where God was and why He wasn’t saving Jesus from what He endured. Even Jesus asked God, “Why have You forsaken Me?” Was He being blasphemous? Did He have no faith? Of course not! His flesh was human, and after 15 hours of being questioned, taunted, mocked, beaten, starved of food and water, nailed to a cross, and left to hang there under the scorching sun, He surpassed His [human] pain threshold. So, He cried out in anguish and then surrendered His life to God.

We are allowed to cry out to God and share our true feelings with God. He knows our hearts, so we cannot lie to Him. He desires a personal relationship with us, one in which we share everything with Him, trusting His grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, and understanding of our humanity. And His greatest command to us is to love one another. We can show that love by listening with grace, not judgement, and being supportive when someone walks through the valley of the shadow of death. When people feel they have no one to whom they can cry out and with whom they can be honest, they can drown in their emptiness & darkness. Maybe they've forgotten, or need to learn, that God IS the light.

The Lord would rather we admit that we need Him to survive than for us to rely on our own limited understanding (like Adam & Eve) and separate ourselves from Him through sin or death. That is not His plan for us. Jesus came to Earth in human form so that He could know our pain and struggles firsthand. And He does. He doesn’t mind us asking questions when we are confused. He doesn’t mind us being angry when things are not going our way. We can express our feelings to God without acting on them as if they were facts. For example, we may feel disappointed when God doesn’t make our dream come true on the exact day we asked for it. Feeling disappointed, however, does not mean that God has forsaken us. He is always working for our good. A dream delayed is not a dream denied. So, when He does bless us with that dream come true, it will be at the perfect time. Waiting can be frustrating and worrisome, especially if we feel God is being silent. But the teacher is always silent during a test. If you can just get to the other side of the situation, you will find peace and joy. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I’m telling you what I know from personal experience, not from a textbook, movie, or TV.

On this Good Friday, I am so incredibly grateful to God for the life and death of His Son, Jesus. I am so very thankful that Jesus willingly sacrificed His life for me. And I am delighted to know that even when I fall short, act out, doubt, question, or allow my faith to waver, Christ loves me despite myself. I know I could not have endured Jesus’s last 15 hours of life like He did – saying nothing, not fighting back, and staying humble. In my humanness, I imagine I may have questioned God even then:

• Why me, God?
• Why this way?
• Why can’t it be quick?
• For people I don’t even know?
• Are you sure?

And the list goes on. But Jesus only asked God once, “If it be Your will, take this cup from Me.” God said, “No;” and Jesus accepted that “no,” conscious of what He faced. He also knew “[with great confidence that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose” (Romans 8:28 AMP). He didn’t have to defend himself against the lies people chose to tell and believe about Him. He didn’t treat those who persecuted Him with hate or disdain. He did not fight evil with evil. He fought evil with faith. He faced both life and death with a heart full of love and a spirit full of faith. I want to be like Jesus in that way. 

Over the 50 days of Easter… that’s right, it’s not just one Sunday we celebrate by wearing pretty, new clothes, going to church, and finding hidden Easter eggs.😃 I will use the 50 days of Easter (from Easter Sunday to Pentecost Sunday) to:

• Appreciate the richness, fullness, and majesty of the Easter season
• Remind myself of the implications of living in the shadow of the cross
• Be conscious of the power and presence of the Holy Spirit (who was sent at Pentecost to continue the mission of Christ in His absence)
• Celebrate Jesus’s Ascension and the New Covenant forged between God and humanity with His blood, and
• Recommit, and surrender, to His commandments and His will

I challenge you to do the same and observe how your relationship with Christ grows during this Easter season. If you care to share, feel free to comment on your journey. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises. (Romans 15:13 AMP)

I Was My Daddy's Angel; Now He Is Mine

I wrote a blog post called “Daddy’s Girl” on June 19, 2016, but I didn’t post it until December 4, 2016. I was angry with my Daddy because he didn’t like his Father’s Day gift that year. On November 3, 2024, my Daddy lost his battle with cancer and went to Heaven. I am grateful for the 8 years, 4 months, and 15 days I had with him after that post.

I am disappointed, however, that I wasted 5.5 months of the time I had left with him being angry over something stupid. I am glad I posted the blog when I did, and I didn’t get really petty and never posted it. My Daddy responded to the post: "It was good.” Not much, I know, but that was just how he was – a man of few words. And I miss his words now. I miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laugh. I miss being able to call and text him. I miss the confidence of his advice. I miss playing Scrabble on the phone with him all the time. I miss everything about him, who he was, and what he meant in my life. Yet, I see him daily now – LOL – more than when he was alive.

[DISCLAIMER: What follows are my own beliefs and experiences. You are entitled to your own opinion. And we can respectfully agree to disagree. I believe our loved ones watch over us after they pass away. I think they can see and hear us. Spirits can communicate from the other side as well. I believe that [legitimate] mediums have a very special spiritual gift, which is to be able to receive messages from the other side. I follow Tyler Henry and have watched the healing that occurs when people receive messages from their departed loved ones through him. In his books Here & Hereafter and Between Two Worlds, Tyler Henry discusses his experience as a medium and how he has learned to use and navigate the responsibility of his gift. In her book, The Light Between Us, Laura Lynne Jackson discusses her life as a medium and shares examples of ways spirits might make their presence known to us (e.g., manipulating electronic devices and lights).

Again, believe what you choose; these are my beliefs and experiences.] 

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…

I have a rotating wallpaper on my phone. About 12-14 pictures are in the folder – my daughter, each of my dogs, my Daddy, etc. Each day, a different picture shows up. From November 4th through November 11th (the day of my Daddy’s memorial service), except two times when my deceased dog, Spanky, showed up, my Daddy’s picture was the wallpaper on my phone. On November 12th, my Uncle Buck gave me a note he’d helped my Daddy write to me. It said:

 Dear DAUGHTER,

I have had the pleasure of watching you grow from an innocent child to a woman of wisdom. In between the dashes, I saw a morning glory evolve into a four o’ clock and then to a rose, the most beautiful, most fragrant, most endurable of plants.

At various times, I became your gardener and tilled the soil, manuring it with love, patience and granules of wisdom that helped you form deep roots that probed the depths to find your meaning. You did not disappoint! The smile that is all encompassing; the energy that is directionally positive; the humility that always seeks the good; the wisdom to make sound choices for yourself and your family. You will never find anyone who can parallel the deep love, respect, and understanding that I have for my daughter, my constant, my Flower of Life! All the love! 

DADDY

Needless to say, that note accelerated my heart’s healing. After I received that note, my wallpaper started rotating again with one exception – my Daddy’s picture now pops up once or twice a day, and then it goes back to that day’s wallpaper. And every time I see him pop up, I can’t help but smile because he has the biggest smile ever in the wallpaper picture. The funny thing is his picture often pops up when I am cussing & fussing about something. LOL. Hmmmm….

[Note (this will be significant as the story continues): My stepmother was the love of my Daddy’s life! I’ve spent more time with her recently and learned she isn’t sleeping well. That is understandable, having slept next to your person for 41 years, now sleeping alone. Oddly, though, she wakes up around 3 AM or so every morning.] 

I spent Christmas Eve with my stepmother and siblings so we could do our Secret Santa exchange. I took my gifts from my stepmother home to open on Christmas. On Christmas Day, at 3:20 AM, my Daddy’s picture popped up on my phone when I would usually be asleep. I thought it was strange, but I said, “Merry Christmas, Daddy,” and went to bed. I woke up to my daughter Zari's picture as my daily wallpaper. She was the apple of my Daddy’s eye. When I went to open my stepmother's gifts, I noticed my Daddy's picture was on my phone AGAIN. So, I just chuckled & opened the gifts. One of the gifts was a bottle of Hendrick’s gin, which I’d introduced my stepmother to on a trip to Mexico. As I told my sister Mary the backstory of why my stepmother gave me Hendrick’s for Christmas, I said, "I just love her." And I kid you not: the lights started flickering in my house, and the electricity blinked off & came back on (so the clocks were flashing, you know). I looked down, and my Daddy's picture was replaced by my fur baby Darla [instead of going back to Zari’s picture]. So, I texted my Aunt Darla to check on my Uncle John (the youngest of the four Godfrey boys), who’d been battling cancer as well. 

My Uncle John had been at my Daddy’s memorial service. Despite going through chemotherapy, he was looking good and sounding strong. He was hospitalized soon after returning home but got better and went home. He was texting, “Unc is good. Headed home.” Then, soon after that, my Aunt Darla said he would likely be transitioning soon. Huh? Just like that? He, too, was losing his battle with cancer. And on December 26, 2024, only 53 days after my Daddy’s passing, my Uncle John went to be with God.

Coincidence? No way. Too many things align for it to be a random coincidence - the behavior of my phone's wallpaper, the specific three pictures that showed up on Christmas Day, the timing of my Daddy's picture showing up, the timing of the lights flickering, etc. As one of my dearest clients says, "Make it make sense." Some people say it's just God giving you the comfort you need when you need it. Okay. I can respect that, too. However, I didn't need comfort in that moment on Christmas Day. I was full of joy.

Anyway, when it comes to Daddies, let me tell you, Octavia and Bill Godfrey raised four strong, genius, stellar men who are, and were, the most excellent Daddies anyone could ask for. They are not perfect, of course, but my siblings, cousins, and I all know, without a doubt, that we are loved by all four of them. 

I worry about my uncles, Buck and Frank, because they take responsibility and family seriously. So, as the two oldest, I cannot imagine the plethora of feelings they are dealing with, having lost their two baby brothers in less than two months. To them, I say, “It’s okay not to be okay. Let us hold you up like you’ve always held us up.”

As in my original post, I encourage you to make the time to tell your Daddy, “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” “I need you,” “I miss you,” or whatever else you need to say TODAY. Tomorrow is not promised to us, not just in death; it could be brain injury, amnesia, dementia, coma, or anything that changes your Daddy into someone you don’t know, can’t communicate with, or who doesn’t remember you. Please don’t put it off any longer. We make time for what is important to us. So, if not now, then when?