Part of this Good Friday morning’s prayer said: “Lord God, we too ask where you are when there is trouble and suffering and death and we cry out to You for help.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t always ask that question nicely. LOL. It may come with a raised voice, stomping, tears, etc. But it reminded me of a recent session I had with my therapist. [Every therapist should have a therapist. We are human after all.🙂]
My therapist is never afraid to challenge me. However, I think I caught her off guard when I said, “God and I are at odds right now. I am angry with Him.” The impression I got was her clutching her pearls and making the sign of the Cross as though I had just committed the ultimate, most blasphemous sin. LOL. It led to a frustrating session in which I felt unheard and misunderstood, but I was also prompted to think critically and engage in self-reflection. And to my surprise, it gave me a deeper understanding of why I tried to die five times.
Each time I attempted suicide, all those years ago, I was angry with God because I thought He’d forsaken me, forgotten about me, didn’t see or hear me, didn’t care about my pain, and didn’t love me enough to answer my prayers. But I couldn’t say that to anyone without being told how wrong I was. And I certainly couldn’t say it to God, right? He would think I was ungrateful and be disappointed in me. Right? Without God, I felt I had no one to whom to turn. When you are drowning in hopelessness, like Jelly Roll says, "Somedays you feel you're better off laying in that dirt." In my woundedness, I interpreted scripture with a warped filter. To me, the Word seemed to say that we only get true peace & joy after death, in eternity with God, after long suffering in life. I convinced myself that life meant suffering and death meant peace. So, I chose the latter. And God said, "No." My Bible study classes have helped deepen my understanding of God and forever remind me that the prodigal son walked away from his father, not vice versa. And like Jesus, the father was waiting with love once his child saw the light.
But, back to my therapy session a couple of months ago… I feel like my therapist grossly misinterpreted what I said and drew conclusions that were far from the truth. <Flashback: uh-oh, I am wrong and being ungrateful again – so the gremlins tried to convince me.> To me, my therapist implied that I:
- Lacked faith
- I have tremendous faith in God. Only He can do what He does. Like all other [Christian] believers, I have moments of doubt. A temporary wavering of faith does not mean I have no faith at all. It simply confirms that I am human.
- Have a negative view of [a benevolent] God
- I have a realistic view of God. I understand that as our Father, who loves us, He says “no” sometimes, punishes sin, and gets disappointed and angry with our disobedience. He is benevolent in that He is merciful and gives us unlimited opportunities to repent, correct our behavior, and get into alignment with His will. He is benevolent in that He is completely good, no sins or griefs to bear. He is benevolent in sending His only Son to die on the cross for mine and your salvation.
- Expect a transactional relationship with God
- I do not expect God to give me anything in exchange for my obedience, which He commands. I do expect Him to honor His promises to:
- Always be with me: "I will be with you, and I will watch over you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).
- Never leave me or forsake me: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:8).
- Have good plans for me: "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).
- Give me peace: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).
- Strengthen me: "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).
- Provide for me: "But my God will meet every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).
- Forgive my sins: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).
- Was acting like a spoiled child [of God] throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted from my [Heavenly] Father
- I need money, not manna, to pay bills and survive on Earth. I was not pouting or throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get the doll I wanted for Christmas. I was frustrated, disappointed, and afraid because I felt as though God had forsaken me; He had not provided enough money for me to live on for the last three years, given me peace (i.e., financial security), or strengthened me through this period of lack. [In fact, I am feeling more fatigued than ever with the financial struggle]. I am self-employed, meaning I have no PTO, benefits, or a flex spending card, and I can only work a limited number of hours per day. God is the only other provider on whom I can depend. “Do not be far from me, for trouble is near; and there is no one to help.” (Psalms 22:11 AMP)
- Doubt God’s ability or plan
- The best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plan. I learned that the hard way when I told God I was going to end my life myself because I was tired of the long suffering. I am a living testimony that God’s will SHALL be done no matter how fast you run, where you try to hide, how often you ignore His call, or how far off the path you go. I know His plan for me and have accepted it wholeheartedly.
- Believe I am equal, somehow, to God and therefore have the right to question Him
- This was laughable; especially coming from the same therapist who experienced my full-blown panic attack after just THINKING to myself, “You ARE very good at what you do;” believing I had disappointed God, and discounted His power, in my “perceived” arrogance. LOL. I cannot make the sun rise or set. I cannot create life from dust. I cannot make animals, trees, mountains, snow, or rain. I would have to be parlously presumptuous to think I am equal to God. He does, however, give us freedom of thought and I can absolutely question Him. Now, mind you, I imagine He sits on His throne, shaking His head, saying, “This child here…Peter, don’t answer that; just send it to voicemail. I will deal with Michael-Renee later…” LOL And I am well aware that He does not owe me any answers. He made me who I am. He already knows that I may question, fuss, cry, stomp, or whatever; then, I am going right back to studying the Word and being fully present in His calling on my life.
When Jesus was crucified, the people mockingly asked where God was and why He wasn’t saving Jesus from what He endured. Even Jesus asked God, “Why have You forsaken Me?” Was He being blasphemous? Did He have no faith? Of course not! His flesh was human, and after 15 hours of being questioned, taunted, mocked, beaten, starved of food and water, nailed to a cross, and left to hang there under the scorching sun, He surpassed His [human] pain threshold. So, He cried out in anguish and then surrendered His life to God.
We are allowed to cry out to God and share our true feelings with God. He knows our hearts, so we cannot lie to Him. He desires a personal relationship with us, one in which we share everything with Him, trusting His grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, and understanding of our humanity. And His greatest command to us is to love one another. We can show that love by listening with grace, not judgement, and being supportive when someone walks through the valley of the shadow of death. When people feel they have no one to whom they can cry out and with whom they can be honest, they can drown in their emptiness & darkness. Maybe they've forgotten, or need to learn, that God IS the light.
The Lord would rather we admit that we need Him to survive than for us to rely on our own limited understanding (like Adam & Eve) and separate ourselves from Him through sin or death. That is not His plan for us. Jesus came to Earth in human form so that He could know our pain and struggles firsthand. And He does. He doesn’t mind us asking questions when we are confused. He doesn’t mind us being angry when things are not going our way. We can express our feelings to God without acting on them as if they were facts. For example, we may feel disappointed when God doesn’t make our dream come true on the exact day we asked for it. Feeling disappointed, however, does not mean that God has forsaken us. He is always working for our good. A dream delayed is not a dream denied. So, when He does bless us with that dream come true, it will be at the perfect time. Waiting can be frustrating and worrisome, especially if we feel God is being silent. But the teacher is always silent during a test. If you can just get to the other side of the situation, you will find peace and joy. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I’m telling you what I know from personal experience, not from a textbook, movie, or TV.
On this Good Friday, I am so incredibly grateful to God for the life and death of His Son, Jesus. I am so very thankful that Jesus willingly sacrificed His life for me. And I am delighted to know that even when I fall short, act out, doubt, question, or allow my faith to waver, Christ loves me despite myself. I know I could not have endured Jesus’s last 15 hours of life like He did – saying nothing, not fighting back, and staying humble. In my humanness, I imagine I may have questioned God even then:
- Why me, God?
- Why this way?
- Why can’t it be quick?
- For people I don’t even know?
- Are you sure?
And the list goes on. But Jesus only asked God once, “If it be Your will, take this cup from Me.” God said, “No;” and Jesus accepted that “no,” conscious of what He faced. He also knew “[with great confidence that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose” (Romans 8:28 AMP). He didn’t have to defend himself against the lies people chose to tell and believe about Him. He didn’t treat those who persecuted Him with hate or disdain. He did not fight evil with evil. He fought evil with faith. He faced both life and death with a heart full of love and a spirit full of faith. I want to be like Jesus in that way.
Over the 50 days of Easter… that’s right, it’s not just one Sunday we celebrate by wearing pretty, new clothes, going to church, and finding hidden Easter eggs.😃 I will use the 50 days of Easter (from Easter Sunday to Pentecost Sunday) to:
- Appreciate the richness, fullness, and majesty of the Easter season
- Remind myself of the implications of living in the shadow of the cross
- Be conscious of the power and presence of the Holy Spirit (who was sent at Pentecost to continue the mission of Christ in His absence)
- Celebrate Jesus’s Ascension and the New Covenant forged between God and humanity with His blood, and
- Recommit, and surrender, to His commandments and His will
I challenge you to do the same and observe how your relationship with Christ grows during this Easter season. If you care to share, feel free to comment on your journey.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises. (Romans 15:13 AMP)
