Thy Will Be Done

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. (Hebrews 11:1 MSG)

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…

Having faith in God’s will is easier said than done at times. We say it, and pray it, as though it is an easy thing to do, however. God’s will and purpose for our lives is not always what we see for ourselves. His vision for our life is often much bigger than what we could ever even imagine. I have seen God’s vision for my life and it scares the hell out of me!

Glory belongs to God, whose power, is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20 GW)

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give to you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG)

What a lot of people don’t know about me is that I am truly an introvert. I have consistently tested out as an introvert on every personality test I have ever taken – and I have probably taken close to 20 different tests as part of my doctoral program and post-doctoral research. People think I am an extrovert because I am constantly interacting with people. The truth is that is exhausting for me. Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you cannot be extroverted. It simply means that you gain energy from time alone; and therefore, being extroverted takes a lot of energy. I much prefer to be in the background rather than the center of attention.

Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Christ Jesus that you do this. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 GW)

Don’t become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think. Then you will always be able to determine what God really wants – what is good, pleasing, and perfect. (Romans 12:2 GW)

So, when God’s vision for my life includes facilitating huge workshops, book signings, interviews, and other things that put me “out there” as a leader in my career field, I get very anxious. One would think that my anxiety stems from a fear of failure. It is actually the exact opposite. My anxiety stems from a fear of success because of the huge responsibility I feel comes with that success.

Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. (Luke 12:48 ESV)

So if you find life difficult because you’re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust Him. He knows what He’s doing, and He’ll keep on doing it. (1Peter 4:19 MSG)

God has given me an incredible gift of discernment. He has also walked with me, or maybe carried me, through several life experiences that sent me to the depths of Hell so that I could understand people’s most painful journeys from personal experience – not just textbooks and research. When God called me to be a therapist, I believe He entrusted me with my clients’ hearts and spirits.  And to me, that is a huge responsibility which I take very seriously. But God has expanded my territory beyond the walls of my practice and my clients. I have gotten feedback from my book, Soul Graffiti: What If Your Mother (or Father) Was Wrong?, like:
• Your book changed my life.
• I cried all the way through your book because I felt like someone finally understood my pain.
• Your book made me want to be a better parent.
• Your book gave me hope and helped me to heal.

After God saved me from my last suicide attempt, I knew He had a tremendous purpose for my life. I knew I was supposed to walk life’s hardest journeys with people because I knew how daunting it was to battle depression alone. So, I became a therapist to answer my calling. Then, God told me to go into private practice. And I told God He had the wrong number. LOL. I disobeyed His instructions for three years before, begrudgingly, “giving in.”

Why do you call me Lord but don’t do what I tell you? (Luke 6:46 GW)

But He’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair  and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don’t take yourself too seriously – take God seriously. (Micah 6:8 MSG)

I laugh when I look back on July 2010. I called myself “challenging” God; saying:
    Fine! Since You insist on me opening this private practice, I will do it. But, You watch; it’s going        to fail! I don’t have the money to start a private practice. I haven’t been licensed long enough to get on any insurance panels. It takes time build a clientele.
You get the picture. So, long story short, I opened my private practice 60 days later with no debt, two weeks worth of clients, and being on every major insurance panel for which I applied. To this day, I cannot tell you where the money came from to pay for all the furniture, office equipment and supplies, deposits, and rent. I know God intervened with the insurance panels because you are supposed to be fully licensed for 2 years before you can get on the panels – I had only been fully licensed for 2 months.

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail. (Proverbs 19:21 NLT)

Point out the road I must travel; I’m all ears, all eyes before you. Teach me how to live to please You, because You’re my God. (Psalms 143:8, 10 MSG)

For the past 6 years, God has continued to grow my practice by leaps and bounds. But, I was only doing it part-time so I could keep my day job for the security of a steady paycheck and health insurance. In July, against my better judgement, I accepted a promotion at my full-time job and had to cut back on my appointment slots. Yet, the referrals kept coming steadily. I was getting so many referrals that I had a waiting list. Now, while some might think that’s a good thing, it made my heart sad. I felt like I was failing God because I was not doing what He called me to do. I was not fulfilling my purpose. Every day, I would pray for God to either stop sending referrals or make a way for me to see all the clients He was sending my way. On February 3rd, He made it very clear that it was tine to move on.

For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. (1Peter 2:15 NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)

I thought I would be freaking out about leaving my full-time job, after 16 years to run my practice full-time. I thought I would be in a chronic state of panic trying to figure out how to survive without a steady paycheck. I thought it would take so long to build up my clientele that I might end up homeless. For the first week, I thought maybe I was in shock because I was not panicking and I was not afraid. Maybe it would hit me in the second week, I thought. But in week two, I actually felt better, stronger, and more confident that everything would be okay. So, week three would have to be the breakdown, right? At some point, I thought, I had to be overcome with fear and doubt. So, week three came; no fear followed.  And going into week 4, in addition to another fully booked week of clients, I have confirmed two equine therapy workshops for veterans in Idaho & Ohio, AND I am preparing to negotiate a contract with a large company to facilitate corporate coaching with their executive and senior leadership following a very difficult merger.

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:27-28 ESV)

I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27 NLT)

I know this is only the beginning of this chapter in my life. I will have challenges to face and my faith will be tested. God may even go silent at times; but, I have learned that the teacher is always silent during a test. God has never turned His back on me and I know He has not brought me this far to leave me now. God has kept His promises to me even when I was outside of His will and He has not missed a beat since I stepped out Omni faith and submitted to His will for my life.

I take joy in doing Your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart. (Psalms 40:8 NLT)

Now may the God of peace – who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with His blood – may He equip you with all you need for doing His will. May He produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to Him. All glory to Him forever and ever! Amen. (Hebrews 13:20-21 NLT)

Focus in 2017

Thank you, God, for another year. As always, the past year has had its ups and downs. But, here I am; blessed to be above ground facing this new year - 2017.

Not having a vision for last year was awesome! There was no pressure to achieve. I simply practiced the art of being. I accepted what life sent my way. I spent a lot of time alone. I saw the true colors of some so-called "friends," who have now been relegated to the "acquaintance" category; and gained some deeper friendships. I feel like I had better balance. I did go golfing more often. I did several EAP workshops with Hershey which is just as good as, if not better than, a pleasure ride. I got plenty of massages. I tried about 20 different champagnes to figure out what I really like. I fell for a guy. I did not learn my lesson about giving, however. I still gave too much of myself at times, but not as often as I usually would have. Most importantly, I took it all in stride. There were some intense hiccups along the way but nothing that broke me completely - meltdown, yes, complete breakdown, no. LOL.

So, I am taking the same overall philosophy into 2017. No concrete vision; but rather a central focus. This year, my focus is on SUCCESS. Success in my private practice. Success in maintaining personal balance. Success in creating and maintainimg a reciprocal intimate relationship. Success with my writing (3 more books to write). Success in building a new bi-coastal business with my friend, Lynn, in California. Success in creating a realistic, healthy lifestyle - eating better and exercising some. Success in personal growth. Success in establishing the non-profit arm of my practice so I can continue my work with veterans. Success in continuing to define and believe in my own "good enough." Success in creating true, sustainable happiness. Success in deepening my relationship with Christ. Success in limiting my generosity. In other words, success in creating my legacy.

What is the legacy you want to leave? Are you on the path to creating that? If not, how long are you going to wait to get started? What if someday is today? Why not make 2017 your year to either determine what you want your legacy to be, start taking the first steps towards creating the legacy you've already defined, make sure you are still on track with the legacy on which you've been focusing, or redefining your legacy altogether? In the grand scheme of things, that's what we're really doing - not just living from year to year but building a legacy.

So, this year, 2017, I wish all my readers happiness and success - neither of which is finite or concrete. You define your own happiness and you define what success means to you. Success to me is not solely accomplishing the entire goal but staying focused, being consistent, and making measurable strides towards the end result. Success is making a conscious effort to do more than nothing. Success is finding reasons to do something rather than all the reasons not to do it. Success is making no excuses.  I believe true happiness will come, not when I have accomplished all the things I want to accomplish; but, rather seeing that I have made consistent and intentional efforts towards making my dreams come true. True happiness is believing in myself rather than doubting myself as I start new ventures. True happiness is being in alignment with God's purpose for my life, listening to His guidance, and following His direction. My life is always more peaceful when I am spiritually aligned.

I challenge you to work on your legacy, focus on yourself more, take life in stride, get aligned and balanced, and to define and create happiness and success in your life this year.

Daddy's Girl

Let me first explain why I am purposely using the term “Daddy” versus “Father.” And this is just my own personal opinion. A father is someone who believes that by donating his sperm for your creation, he has done his duty in life. A dad is someone who gets up every day and does whatever he can to put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on your table. He might have to dig ditches, flip hamburgers, deliver pizzas, work in a factory — or all of the above. He might not own a suit and tie. He teaches the value of hard work not because he’s looking for help mowing the lawn, but because he knows idleness leads to trouble. He realizes his job is to make his children productive citizens, and to do that, he can’t always be his child’s friend. A “daddy” is a man who steps up to be there, no matter what, in a very special way. He does not solely donate sperm or simply raise productive citizens. A “daddy” actively participates in his daughter’s life. He attends her sporting events, recitals, and concerts. A “daddy” is the first man to teach his daughter what it is to be special. He is the first man to recognize and acknowledge both her inner and outer beauty. He is the first man to believe in her and to help her believe in herself. He sets the bar against which every man in her life, thereafter, will be measured. Before my daddy walked me down the aisle, he said to me, “Remember, nobody will ever love you like your Daddy.” And in many ways, he was right.

Men, seemingly, have no idea how important it is to be a good daddy to their daughters. It’s not solely about providing food, clothes, and shelter. It goes a helluva lot deeper than that. Our daddies are our first “boyfriends.” Daddies are supposed to teach us how valuable we are and set the standard for how a man is supposed to treat us. A daddy’s love for his daughter, or lack thereof, has the capacity to empower or destroy a little girl and the woman she will become. If you didn’t know that before, now you do. Daddies are important, especially in the lives of little black girls.

I am simply devastated by the number of women I have seen professionally, and met socially, that tell the story of “looking for love in all the wrong places” because their daddy was either physically absent, intoxicated, emotionally unavailable, or a combination of all three. Our daddies are the first men who tell us that we are pretty. They are the first men to say,” I love you.” They are the first men who look at us dreamily. They are the first men to hold our hands. Daddies are the first men with whom we laugh, with whom we have fun, and with whom we feel “special.”

My daddy and I watched cartoons and ate Fruit Loops together every Saturday morning. My daddy taught me how to read when I was four years old from a book titled, “Joey’s Horse.” My daddy was my soccer coach from age 6 to 14. In high school, he forced the school to let me play on the boys’ varsity team because the school did not have a girls’ varsity team. He was at every game. I remember one game in which I had the wind knocked out of me by a hard-kicked soccer ball. My coach took me out of the game and had me laying on the sideline with my knees up trying to catch my breath. When, I heard my daddy’s voice, I realized that he was standing near my head asking my coach, “Why is Renee out of the game?” My coach replied, “She got the wind knocked out of her, Mr. Godfrey, and I didn’t want her to get hurt any worse.” My daddy chuckled slightly and got the sly grin on his face that he always gets when he thinks he knows something you don’t. He said, “Hurt? She’s not hurt. She’s as tough as, if not tougher than, these boys out here. Now, she wanted to play with the boys, so let her play with the boys. She’ll be fine.” My coach then asked my daddy, “Are you going to take responsibility if she gets injured?” My daddy replied, “Yes, because I know she can hold her own.” My coach looked disbelieving and said, “This is not Little League; and as her coach, I have to do what I think is best for her and the team.” Before my daddy turned to walk away, he said, “Coach, I have been her coach since she first began the sport and I have been her father since the day she came into this world. I know my little girl and she’s tougher than you think. Put her back in [the game].” Then, my daddy reached down, took my hand, and pulled me up to a standing position. He looked me straight in the eye, cracked that unique smile of his, and said, “Now, get out there and show those boys how it feels to get their asses kicked by a girl.” Although I didn't play soccer through college, I did play as an adult in the Georgia Amateur Association. And again, my daddy was at every game. He was my number one soccer fan.

Most of the time, my daddy made me feel like I could do anything. He was my knight in shining armor. He could do no wrong. And then he left. When I was 13, he walked out of the door and out of my life. I waited by the window all night, crying & begging him to please come back. After he married my stepmother, and had my half-brother, his focus changed. I no longer felt “special.” I no longer felt loved. I felt abandoned by the one man in my life who, I thought, believed in me & would have my back. I felt like I had been fired from my position of “daddy’s girl.” My relationship with my daddy was never the same after he left and started his “new family.” I was never the same after my daddy left. My heart was broken like it would never be broken again. As Daddy’s little girl, I had lost my first love. And I started to believe that if my daddy - the one man who is supposed to love me - didn't love me, then nobody else would either. It created an emptiness that I eventually learned no one else could fill. Over the next 10 years, my daddy and I had a very rocky relationship. What made that 10 years even harder was the fact that I still loved my daddy like I’ve never loved anyone. And all I wanted was for him to love me too. So, my goal in life became to make my daddy proud – to prove that I was [good] enough for him to love me again. To this day, I am not sure if I accomplished that goal. However, I did reach another goal that had been buried in my subconscious, I guess – I came to a place of understanding and forgiveness.

In my early 20s, my daddy explained to me that my stepmother was the absolute love of his life – his true soulmate. He explained that as much as he hated the way he left and hated that my little brother and I got hurt in the process, he felt like that might be his only chance to be genuinely happy. I understood his reasoning and respected his honesty. I realized that one day, all the kids would be gone, and my daddy would be left with his spouse. So, of course, I wanted him to be happy just like he wanted me to be happy. I couldn't deny him that; so, I forgave him for walking out on us.

Now, 20 years later, an oncologist has suggested that my daddy has an “average” of 55 months to live with combination chemo/hormone therapy, 40 months with hormone therapy alone, and 18 months with severe pain with no treatment at all. WTF?! This is MY DADDY! And the tears started rolling and haven't stopped since. In fact, I can only get through about 2 sentences at a time as I write this blog post before my emotions become overwhelming. We all know that we are going to die. We all know that one day we are going to lose our parents. But we think of that time in a vague, abstract sense, not in terms of a finite number. As a therapist, I remind people all the time to live their lives to the fullest, to create good memories with those they love, to say “I love you” and “I’m sorry” today, and to not ever take time for granted. Now, I have been slapped in the face with my own accountability.

Have I lived my life to the fullest? Has my daddy? Have I created good memories with my daddy? Have I said “I love you” enough? Have I ever said “I’m sorry?” Have I taken our time together for granted? This incurable diagnosis has shaken me to my core and has me taking a real inventory of my own life and my relationship with my daddy. So, these are the thoughts that have come to mind so far:

1. My daddy is the absolute love of my life and I can’t imagine life without him.

2. My daddy has a dry sense of humor that is hilarious.

3. My daddy is not perfect, but he is mine.

4. My daddy taught me the joy of reading and encouraged my love of learning.

5. My daddy bought me an inflatable swimming pool when I was a little girl that had a palm tree in it, and it was the best inflatable pool on the block.

6. My daddy doesn’t talk about his feelings, so I am concerned about his journey through this cancer fight.

7. I don’t like it when my daddy doesn’t feel good. As a nurse, however, I know that bone cancer is incredibly painful and I know that chemotherapy wipes people out – making them nauseous, extremely tired, and even shutting down their tastebuds so food tastes like nothing. So, I don’t want him in pain, but I also don’t want him sick or exhausted.

8. I hope my daddy has no regrets and can truly enjoy the rest of his time here no matter how much time that is.

9. I hope my daddy is proud of me.

10. I hope I have been a good daughter in my daddy’s eyes.

11. I need to visit my daddy more often.

12. I need to call and text my daddy more often.

13. I need to take more pictures with my daddy.

14. I need to record my daddy’s voice so I will never forget it.

15. My daddy gives great hugs.

16. My daddy always gives good advice and I always know that I can go to him for objectivity.

17. My daddy always puts on a strong face no matter what is going on in his life; and as much as I know he doesn’t like tears; I don’t know that I will be able to control mine. At the same time, I know I must.

18. At least God has given me time to make some new memories with my daddy.

19. My daddy taught me how to ride a bike.

20. My daddy invited me to a bar on my 21st birthday and introduced me to Patron tequila which I still love to this day.

21. My daddy only spanked me one time in my life – when I drew all over the walls, that my daddy had just painted, with a big, purple crayon - and I think it hurt him just as much as it hurt me.

22. My daddy taught me to cook soul food.

I’m sure more memories, concerns, thoughts, smiles, laughs, and tears will come. And I know all my memories are not good. My daddy has hurt me in the past; but knowing that I am going to lose him - this time forever - is the worst hurt ever in life. So, I choose to focus on the good and happy moments and to create more of them. I encourage all of you other “daddy’s girls” out there to cherish every moment with your daddy. Let him know, TODAY, how much being his little girl has meant to you. Let your daddy know that you love him, forgive him, miss him, need him, or whatever. Share your favorite memory, of the two of you together, with him. If your daddy is alive, it is not too late. And don’t ever apologize for being a daddy’s girl! Feel free to share your comments about your experience as a daddy’s girl.

Living in Darkness Dying for Light

“Why did you try to kill yourself?” …………………………………. “You told me to be happy.”

I have asked people to tell me what their depression feels like and I’ve heard things like: dark, empty, lonely, scary, exhausting, bad, heavy, and more. When I asked a friend how his depression felt, he said, “Being sad for no particular reason and not knowing how to fix it.” When I asked one of my clients how her depression felt, she said, “I wouldn’t even call it a feeling. It’s not a feeling because you feel nothing.” Nothingness, a black hole, a never-ending pit, a vast cavern where hellacious voices echo. For the past 29 years, for me, depression has been a roller coaster that, at times, has delved into the fiery, darkness of hell where I saw nothing but death as a solution. It feels like standing on the edge of the lip of the Grand Canyon, trying not to fall over; and the balancing act is beyond exhausting – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But, everyone experiences depression differently. Depression is expressed differently by each individual who experiences it. And ultimately, most people find a way to overcome depression – whether through talk therapy, medications, combination therapy, prayer, meditation, or other methods. The goal is to identify one’s triggers and implement the healing process.

“Sometimes when I say ‘I’m okay,’ I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, ‘I know you’re not’.”

One of my favorite music artists, Eminem, puts it like this:

              You smile but you’re not really happy.

              You ask but you don’t want to know.

  You talk but you aren’t saying anything.

  You laugh but you don’t find it funny.

  You cry but it doesn’t really mean anything.

  You get up but you’re really not awake.

  You sleep but you aren’t resting.

  You’re alive but you aren’t really living.

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer. Depression is putting on a fake smile so you don’t have to explain why you’re not happy. Depression is that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty. Depression is saying to yourself, every night, “This will be the last time.” Depression is like a war; you either win or die trying.

“Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer because most cancer patients feel loved and have hope and self-esteem.”

I hate to hear people say, “I suffer from depression.” To me, that is a defeatist attitude. I have lived with depression for most of my life. Depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance, extended grief, trauma, job loss, retirement, being broke, and whatever else you can think of. Depression is lonely. Depression is scary. Depression sucks.  Depression does not discriminate by race, creed, socioeconomic status, gender, age, or sexuality. One is not immune from depression because of level of education, amount of money in the bank, marital status, or length of time in therapy. Sometimes, it hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world. “But you’ve got it all,” people say, “a doctorate, a private practice, two real careers, blah, blah, blah.” And yet, I continue to question whether I have met my own “good enough.” Worse still, I question whether I have met God’s expectations for me. Have I fulfilled my purpose?

“If you could read my mind, you’d be in tears.”

Despite all that I have and all that I have accomplished, depression can sometimes still consume me. My days get dark – just a constant shade of gray. My medication doesn’t seem to be working. Therapy is starting to sound like Charlie Browns’ teacher – “whah whah whah whah whah whah.” But, every morning, I am met with the same choice – get up or not, go to work or not, see clients or not, stay late to do notes or not, get rest for tomorrow or give up, pray for another day or pray for death. Most people I’ve talked to, admittedly, “don’t understand how a person can get to the point where they want to take their own life.”

“Right now, I really don’t see the reason for trying, or for talking, or for breathing. I’m just done.”

I think “not understanding” is actually a better place in which to live because when you do understand “how a person can get to the point where they want to take their own life,” you have seen the depth of despair. You see, there are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. There have been times that I would rather be a “cutter” than have suicidal ideations. How sad do you have to be for death to really be a fucking option?! At what point will it no longer be on my list of options? I’m exhausted from trying to be strong. I’m empty from giving everything I have to others. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m disappointed. I’m unhappy. I’m scared, no, terrified. Because once again, I am on the edge of the Grand Canyon, teetering on the edge; trying to keep my damn balance so I don’t slip over the edge into the abyss. What most people don’t understand is that when you have made the decision that death is the only option, it doesn’t mean that you are no longer afraid. It simply means that you are so tired of being hopeless, hurt, lonely, sad, disappointed, misunderstood, and “not good enough” that you welcome the eternal silence. You breathe a sigh of relief that you have found a way to end your suffering, to stop having to depend on others to love you, to stop feeling like a failure, to stop hurting, and to stop wishing that life would be better only to be disappointed repeatedly. It’s a lonely, scary place to which you never want to take your “friends” or “family.” It is that place in which the person who tries to keep everyone happy ends up being the loneliest person.

“No, I’m not okay. But I haven’t been okay since I was a teenager. I am still here though. I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.”

I no longer want to die – not like I did 26 years ago. I’m not even asking for help. I’m just sharing with you, my readers, that even the best of us go to that dark place. And even though I know that I want to love this difficult life of mine, the thought still crosses my mnd after 29 years, that I could just end it all and never have to feel lonely, inadequate, hurt, ashamed, disappointed, or shitty ever again. I want, desperately, to believe that:

Depression is useful. It signals that you need to make changes in your life. It challenges your tendency to withdraw, it reminds you to take action.

No matter how deep my sadness or how hopeless my despair, I pray that God will help me to sustain my strength as I face each new day.

Too Busy to Live

We exist in a society in which being driven, working hard, and being successful are not just applauded but expected; any less than that is seen as a problem. We function in a society in which money drives and decides many, many things. We spend most of our days hustling non-stop from dawn to dusk only to go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. For what exactly? To pay bills? To make sure we have a bunch of money in the bank? Society's mantra, lately, seems to be: "Live to work; don't work to live because you'll have plenty of time for that later." But the truth is: every day we wake up, we are one day closer to the end of our lives.

The latest statistics from the CDC (2014) report that the average life expectancy is as follows:

Hispanic male = 76.2 years (914 months or 3962 weeks or 27,813 days or 667,512 hours)

Hispanic female = 82.2 years (986 months or 4274 weeks or 30,003 days or 720,072 hours)

White male = 73.2 years (878 months or 3806 weeks or 26,718 days or 639,475 hours)

White female = 79.3 years (952 months or 4,124 weeks or 28,944 days or 694,668 hours)

Black male = 69 years (828 months or 3588 weeks or 25,185 days or 604,440 hours)

Black female = 76.3 years (916 months or 3968 weeks or 27,850 days or 668,388 hours)

So, for the purposes of this blog, let's use the overall average life expectancy from birth of 76 years (912 months or 3952 weeks or 27,740 days or 665,760). Looks like a lot, doesn't it?

Let's break it down even further (based on the US Dept of Labor & Statistics 2015 Time Survey):

Sleeping = 25.3 years (304 months/1316 weeks/9235 days/221,628 hours). So, we have 50.7 years left (608 months/2636 weeks/18506 days/444,132 hours).

School K-12 (@ 7.5 hrs/day & 181 days of school/yr) = 2 years (24 months/105 weeks/736 days/17,654 hours). So, now we have 48.7 years left (584 months/2532 weeks/17,776 days/426,624 hours).
Eating = 6 years (72 months/330 weeks/2312 days/55,480 hours). Now we have 42.7 years left (512 months/2220 weeks/15,586 days/374,064 hours).
Work (40 hr/wk) = 11 years (132 months/582 weeks/4073 days/97,760 hours). Now, we have 31.7 years left (380.4 months/1648 weeks/11,571 days/277,704 hours).
Bathroom = 1+ years (13 months/55 weeks/386 days/9,272 hours). Leaving us with about 30.5 years left (366 months/1586 weeks/11,133 days/267,192 hours).

You get the picture. Once we include housework, childcare/elder care, running errands, etc., and account for time lost due to obesity, smoking, cancer etc., we are roughly left with about 2 years (24 months/96 weeks/669 days/16,060 hours) worth of time for leisure, love, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities. It doesn't seem like so much time now, huh?

So, when was the last time you slowed down to "smell the roses" so to speak? When was the last time you took a walk - not for fitness - just to feel the breeze through your hair, to feel the sun on your skin, and to simply admire the beauty of nature? When was the last time you did something philanthropic just to share the joy in your heart with someone else? When was the last time you sat quietly with your significant other, without saying a word, just experiencing the warmth of their touch and the connection of your hearts? Do you feel like you need a vacation from your life? Then, you are TOO BUSY! If you find yourself talking about, "One day, I am going to...," versus "I am so glad I...," then you are missing out on life. What if "one day" doesn't ever come? Why can't "one day" be today?

With all of the technology we have available today, one would think that people would stay in touch and communication would be improving in our intimate relationships. But, people are more out of touch than ever. It takes less than 2 minutes to send a text message that says, "I'm thinking about you" or "I miss our friendship, let's do lunch." The thing is: we make time for what's important to us in life. If we are sick or in pain, we make time to get to the doctor. If we need to deposit a check, we make time to go to the bank. Therefore, if we wanted to have a relationship, we would have to make time to meet someone, get to know them, and spend time building that relationship. If we wanted to buy a house, we would have to make time to go look for a house. When I wanted to learn how to play golf, I had to make time to go take my lessons and to go to the golf course to practice. It's that simple!

When you look back over your life, do you want your memories to be filled with the meetings which you attended, the amount of money you made, how much stress you were under, how many family events you missed, how many things you did not get to do on your bucket list? Or do you want our memories to be filled with the places to which you've traveled, the long talks with your friends, and the romantic moments you spent with your significant other? When your eulogy is being read, I promise you that no one is going to talk about how much time you spent at work. They may mention that you were driven and successful but that can be said in one sentence. What people will talk about is the things you did in your life, the memories you made with them, and how much they will miss spending time with you and being in your presence.

As much as you may think that it is not important to slow down, I beg to differ. Personally, I want to be able to think about all of the things I did to have fun and enrich my life - not about having perfect attendance for the past 30 years at the same job. I want to experience exotic beaches, like Fiji, unquestionable love that takes my breath away, roller coasters, every different color of roses, and a lot more. My challenge to you is twofold:

Take at least 5 minutes a day to reach out and connect with someone that matters to you and

Make "one day" TODAY (or at least sometime within the next 30 days).

2016 Vision

My vision for 2016 is simply not to have a vision. I typically do a vision board every year – posting those things I plan to accomplish or on which I plan to work. At the end of the year, I usually realize that I may have done one of those things; but most of them have not been accomplished. For example, for the first time since my divorce, I actually thought I wanted to get married again; so, I posted it on my vision board. I was in a long-term, committed relationship and we had actually talked about things going that way. However, as most of my relationships do, it ended with him saying he couldn’t give me what I needed. So, mission not accomplished. I was also supposed to start working on my other two books after I finished my dissertation – but that didn’t happen either. I did finish my doctorate, however, so mission accomplished there.

So, going into 2016, I have decided to have no vision, no mission, no goals, other than to accept life as it comes. That’s not to say that I will not be doing anything. I will be pursuing my sport psychology business and my teaching career. I just have no expectations of where they will go. If I blow up and actually get picked up by an NFL team, great; if not, that’ll be okay too. I am not looking for a relationship because I’m tired of hoping and trying. I even met a guy right before the holidays who seriously checked off every box I had on my wishlist – only to be told I moved too fast towards girlfriend versus friend but was never told how. Mind you, I didn’t make any sexual advances, say I wanted to marry him, try to go to his house, try to meet his kids, or anything I can think of that constitutes trying to be someone’s girlfriend. We talked for hours and hours, we both admitted we felt a connection, I hugged him when I met him because I was excited to finally meet him, we watched football, we talked a lot more, I sent dinner home with him for him and his son, and I gave him a PECK on the lips when we said goodbye. I am totally clueless as to how that constitutes trying to be someone’s girlfriend – but, oh well. I’m sick and tired of trying to figure out what men want and trying to adjust accordingly. Hell, I am ME and I LIKE me; if they don’t, then fuck them because ME is the only person I know how, or choose, to be! So, needless to say, a relationship will NOT be on the vision board for 2016.

I think maybe I will put three words on my vision board for 2016: BALANCE, HAPPINESS, and SELF. I need to have balance in order to make sure that I am taking care of myself and creating my own happiness. I need to find happiness in being alone because I’m tired of just being content with my life and “alone” is most likely how I will spend the rest of my days. I need to focus on self because, like I said in my end of the year post last month, I do not believe that anyone can meet my needs except ME. So, I need to figure out “good enough” for me. I need to find happiness for me. I need to create the life that I want for myself – regardless of who’s in it and who’s not. Part of creating balance is going to be not giving so much of myself. I’m tired of depleting myself - being thoughtful, being giving, being selfless – and not receiving the same in return. I must learn to save my compassionate and giving spirit for myself. Part of creating happiness will be to create more time to do the things I love to do – riding Hershey and playing golf, for example. The “self” part of my 2016 vision is simply to do what’s important to me – to try to read my Bible every day, to get a massage as often as possible, to go to the spa on a regular basis, and to be okay with being single and enjoying my own company.

So, for 2016, I am going to take things one day at a time. I am going to learn to accept things as they come. I am going to withhold some of my generosity. I am not going to open my heart up to another relationship. I am simply going to focus on ME – whatever that looks like from day to day.

To Believe or Not to Believe

This is not a religious argument. Let me say that first. This post is more about life in general. For example, I saw a quote that read, “There’s a man out there searching for everything you’re giving to a man who isn’t man enough to appreciate it.” Believe or not believe? Not believe. There is a cliché that goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Believe or not believe? Not believe. My aunt always taught me, “We always have choices in life.” Believe or not believe? Believe.

Society and religion would have us believe in “shoulds” - where we should be in our lives at our respective ages or what we should be doing or feeling. Whereas, the universe shows us, thereby making us believe in, what the reality is. For example, society would have us believe that we should not have sex on the first date. Believe or not believe? Not believe; although I personally agree, I believe people need to do whatever works for them. Religion would have us believe that all our prayers will be answered and life will, ultimately, be all good. Believe or not believe? Not believe. The God I serve often says “No” to my prayers; and sometimes is completely silent and doesn’t answer either way. In addition, my life experience has been one of constant struggle; so, I do not believe that, ultimately, it will be all good.

So, I have begun to take a deep, introspective look at myself and my life and have asked myself, “What do I believe and not believe based on my own experience?” Beyond my fundamental belief that “tomorrow is not promised,” I believe:

•        There is a Higher Power ultimately in control of my life plan; however, He gives me freedom of choice.
•      I am probably too much to handle for most men; so I will probably be single for the rest of my life.
•        True happiness is more than just being content with life as it is; being content, however, may be as good as it gets for some people.
•        Intimate relationships take a hell of a lot more than just love.
•        It takes tremendous courage to open yourself up to love again after you’ve been hurt, especially if you’ve been hurt repeatedly.
•        People who are angry all the time CHOOSE to be that way and they drain the life out of themselves and everyone around them.
•        We should implement mandatory sterilization or require licensure for parenting.
•        I am absolutely fulfilling my calling in life.
•        Most people hide their true authentic self out of fear of being judged, disliked, or rejected.
•        Little things go a long way in both friendships and intimate relationships.

I do not believe:

•        People truly appreciate a giving spirit.
•        A man will ever value my true authentic self with all its intensity, depth, and truth.
•        The majority of people genuinely love themselves and enjoy their own company.
•        I can depend on anyone to provide my needs (emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental) except me.
•        I ask for too much in an intimate relationship.
•        I failed as a parent.
•        The next chapter of my life is filled with fireworks and monumental occasions, necessarily.
•        People define “good enough” for themselves based on what they believe about themselves.
•        Any relationship can survive without intimacy [not sex] and a willingness to be vulnerable.
•        Anyone is ever too busy to answer a text message.

So, my question to you, my readers, is: what do you believe and not believe – based on your own experience – not based on what society or religion tells you? Let me know your thoughts.