Random Acts of Kindness

Maya Angelou once said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."  As I was thinking about some situations throughout my life, I began to realize that I have become somewhat skeptical of people.  Perhaps you have been in a similar situation.

There are people who tell you that they are simply "nice" because “that's who they are.”  Then, later on, you find out that they want something from you.  When I find out that someone has done something for me with a hidden agenda, I am disheartened.  It disappoints me every time because I want to believe that the person is simply being "nice."  Not to say that I haven't found people who are genuinely nice.  Unfortunately, I have met more people who have a hidden agenda.  Even worse than those people, however, are the people in our lives who like us and love us - as long as we are doing what they want us to do, saying what they want us to say, looking like they want us to look, etc.  However, the minute we go against what they feel is important for us, or against what they have deemed is right, they turn on us and strike out like a vicious cobra.

Throughout life, I have fervently searched for the silver lining to every cloud; because, God knows, there have been many clouds in my life.  I guess today, even at 41, I still look for the good in people.  I tend to offer basic human trust in the beginning, assuming that the person will at least treat me with the same respect with which I treat him or her - human to human.  Until I am given a reason not to trust, that basic trust remains and deepens throughout the relationship.  The minute I feel unsafe emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually, my alarms, sirens, and flashing lights start to go off.

My question is: Why?  Why do we treat each other the way that we do at times?  Why is it that we cannot simply be nice to one another, and do things for one another, without the expectation of anything in return?

I have met, mostly women, who feel like once a man has taken them out on a date, they must "pay him back" with sex.  Sex is not currency.  It doesn't need to be traded for acts of service or acts of random kindness.  On the same token, we do not have to abide by "an eye for an eye" - whether negative or positive.  If someone does something nice for you, or you do something nice for somebody, why isn't "Thank You" enough?  What has happened to simple random acts of kindness?  

I saw a news story about a group of young adults going around their city, albeit dressed like superheroes or something like that, doing things like putting a nickel in an expired parking meter, picking up a cup someone had dropped and putting it in the trash, opening the door for an elderly woman, and the list goes on. What would life be like, you think, if every person on earth made a conscious decision to do five acts of random kindness every day? Would it change people at their core? Would it change who we are as human beings? Would it change the world that we live in?

“Don’t do unto others what you would not want done to you.”  My challenge to you is to start doing some random acts of kindness, without expecting anything in return, and see how you change.  See how your life changes.  

Who You Are vs. What You Do

In my practice, I've been amazed to learn how many people do not really know who they are. I've come to realize that most of us define who we are by what we do, what we have, the degrees we hold, or other external measures. I can honestly say that I have spent a lifetime building, salvaging, repairing, and rebuilding my sense of self. It is definitely not a revelation that we come to overnight.

The other night, I challenged a group of my students to define who they are. I got a lot of different looks from each of them -- ranging from bewilderment to baffling to fear and confusion to “Heck no! I'm not going to do that.” When looking at, or within, ourselves, we have to take an inventory of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the fantastic. By embracing all parts of who we are, we become whole.  We, then, lose the need for external completion. So, to help my students understand what I was asking of them, I used myself as an example. I showed two separate PowerPoint slides that I use when I'm introducing myself to a new group of students, typically. One is titled “Who I Am” and the other is titled “What I Do.”

Who I am changes fluidly, yet stems from a definite core being. I am a whole, powerful, intelligent, physically unfit, emotionally open, spiritually sound, black female with the gift of discernment, who has been to Hell and back more times than most, yet remains compassionate and believing that:

God is my Lord and Savior and it is crucial to be obedient to his plan for me

All children should have a voice in the world

Sex is not currency

Love does not conquer all

We must accept all parts of ourselves to be whole

“Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised; so, today is all we really have.

What I do:

Mom

Wife

CASA volunteer

College Instructor

Registered Nurse (Atlanta Public Schools, Black Amateur Rodeo Circuit, USAFR Mental Health Nurse)

Doctoral Student

Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice at Perfect Peace Counseling Center with specialty training in Christian Sex Therapy, Distance Counseling, Hypnosis, and Equine Facilitated Psychotherapy. 

You can add daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend, etc. to that list; but none of those define who I am. Who I am enhances my ability to do the things that I do.

In finding yourself, imagine that you were the only person on the planet. Who would you be? Without titles, who would you be? If you weren't a parent, a student, or a spouse, and you simply existed in the world, who would you be? Standing naked in front of your God, who are you? For what do you stand? In what do you believe? Your sense of self determines how you act, what you will and will not tolerate, and what you stand for. When you know who you are you are, you are able to fill your own love tank, enjoy your own company, and soothe yourself. When you know who you are, there is a confident stability on which you stand when facing adversity in life. You can always change things about yourself; but hopefully, you will make those changes because you want to, not because someone else wants to change you. Once you know who you are, you can decide if you like yourself or not. You can decide if you're good enough. You can decide how much you are worth in life. When people meet you and understand who you are, they will either like you or they won't. You cannot change or control other people’s opinions about you. When you know who you are, and believe in yourself, other people's opinions don't seem to matter as much, however.

So I challenge you to open your eyes, open your heart, and open your soul to look at all the different parts of yourself and define, for yourself, who you really are.