Friends

The word friend comes from an Old English word meaning to love freely.  Merriam-Webster defines a “friend” as:

-        1. A person you like and enjoy being with

-        2. A person who helps or supports someone or something

-        3. One attached to another by affection or esteem

-        4. One that is not hostile

-        5. One that is of the same nation, party, or group

-        6. One that favors or promotes something

-        7. A favored companion

I define a friend as:

-        1. Someone who is ALWAYS there for you no matter what

-        2. A “ride or die” buddy

-        3. Someone who has your back at all costs

-        4. Someone who helps you pick up the pieces when life implodes around you

-        5. Someone with whom you can share anything and everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly

-        6. Someone who is there to help you, however he or she can, before you even ask

My definition of a friend comes from what I know I would do for a friend and what I would want a friend to do for me.  My therapist and I argued for half a session about how you define real friends and who they are in my life.  The sad truth is that in analyzing who actually meets my criteria, the list is very short.  What I came to realize is that I tend to be a much better “friend” to the people in my life than they are to me.

This sad revelation came as I was packing up my living room to move next week.  After working two jobs and being up since 4AM, I was in my living room all alone with no one to help me pack.  I hate moving as much as most people do; but I have helped people pack and move several times.  I just grit my teeth and get in there and do what I can.  Yet, when it comes time for me to move, there is no one to be found.  To their credit, I actually have some “friends” that were honest and just told me, point blank, “Don’t ask me to help you move because I’m not going to do it.”  Other “friends,” who always give lip service to “Anything you need, you know I am there for you,” are nowhere to be found either.  So, after I got my living room packed, I started to think.

I started to think about whether my friends are really my friends.  By Webster’s definition, I would say, “Yes.”  I enjoy being with them and I feel like we are attached by affection.  They are not hostile and I would consider most of them “a favored companion.”  By my definition, though, I am not sure that all my “friends” are truly “friends.”  It may be time to put a few of them in the “acquaintance” category.

As I sat amongst my boxes, I started thinking about other situations in which I may have needed help.  It is not easy for me to ask for help; but, I have learned how to do it.  Unfortunately, as I thought about more and more situations, I realized that I had gone through the storm pretty much by myself – with no one on whom to lean for whatever reason. 

Most of my “friends” are my age or older, only a few are in their 30s.  We ALL work and we are ALL driven.  Some have kids, some do not.  Some are married, some are not.  Seemingly, however, when I am in need, everyone is too busy to help.  Yet, whenever one of my “friends” needs help, I find the time or make the time to help them out.  I will schedule something on my off day.  I will reschedule clients if it’s something urgent or serious.  I will give the last dime that I can afford to give.  I will block time off my schedule to be there for a future event or need.  But, when it’s my turn, the effort is not nearly reciprocated.  That revelation wounded my heart.

So, my therapist believes that I should scrap everyone on the list who doesn’t meet my definition of “friend” – no matter how long they have been in my life.  She believes I should start fresh and make all new “friends.”  I don’t agree.  I believe you have to accept to people where they are and believe them when they show you who they are.  I think what I will have to do is start categorizing my “friends” into sub-groups, such as:

-        1. Those that are strictly acquaintances

-        2. Those that will always be there to talk ONLY

-        3. Those that I can call up for a spontaneous road trip

-       4.  Those that will actually be PRESENT to help me with whatever I need

-        5. Those that I can truly call FRIEND who will meet my needs the same way I will meet theirs

Then, I will have to learn to set boundaries with those that do not warrant all my time and effort.  I understand that going out of my way is my choice.  So, with someone that I know will never reciprocate that level of “friendship,” I will just have to start holding back.  That way my love tank doesn’t run empty – leaving nothing for my or those on whom I can depend.  That will take some self-evaluation and self-exploration on my part as well as some difficult decisions because I am naturally a “helper.”  Not giving my all is like trying to hold back the tide. LOL.  

I give myself permission, however, to set the necessary boundaries to take care of my heart and my needs.  I give myself permission to expect that the same level of friendship I give will be reciprocated to me.  I give myself permission to say, “No,” when I need to say it and to not feel guilty about it.  I applaud myself for being a good friend and I am grateful for the “friends” and acquaintances that I do have.

So, as always, I leave you with a challenge.  Take a good hard look at your “friends” and decide for yourself if you need to do some “housekeeping” in that department.  Is it time for you to re-categorize the people in your life?  Is it time to get rid of some dead weight?  Is it time to let some new people in?  Are you overlooking anyone in your life that could be a good friend if you would let them?  Just some things to think about.

When Your Spirit Is Broken

Have you ever hit a wall in life where nothing seems to go right?  Do you ever feel like you are drowning in chaos and dissension?  Have you ever asked God, “Why?”  Have you ever felt like you could not handle one more thing and then one more thing happened?  These are what I call “Job moments” or “Job seasons” depending on how long they last.  Unlike Job, though, we don’t all make it through the test with flying colors.  

Sometimes, we cry out and God says, “No.”  Sometimes, we cry out and God is silent.  Our faith is tested to its limits and strained severely.  Although we say things like, “God doesn’t put more on us than we can bear,” I beg to differ.  I believe God does put more on us than we can bear because if we could handle it all, we might not call on Him.  I also believe there are times when there is so much on us at one time that our spirits may break.  We may get angry, curse God, scream, yell, and act out in many different ways.  We may give God ultimatums or we may simply shut down completely.

There are some agnostics that would argue that all Christians do is SUFFER.  I’ve heard Christianity described as a battle of wills to see who can suffer the most and remain faithful.  Well, that is not a form of spirituality that I would readily embrace.  How about you?  People who survive tremendous suffering, however, are often labeled as “strong.”  We hear things about them like, “blessed” and “highly favored.”  Many of us say we want to have a faith like those survivors, or worse, we ask for “the patience of Job.”  Remember what Job had to go through to learn that patience.  What happens if you don’t have Job’s patience or faith?  What happens if you get tired of being strong?  What happens when you feel like you have nothing left, God still has not shown up, and you feel like you are all alone?

I don’t know about you but I get pissed!  I get angry with God.  I question Him as to why he didn’t show up.  I give Him ultimatums.  I cuss.  I fuss.  I cry.  I scream.  I rant.  I rave.  I show out until I wear myself out.  I am in a Job season right now where everything that can go wrong, seems to be going wrong.  Around every corner, there seems to be yet another problem that I cannot fix; and despite my faith, God has not intervened – at least not where I can see.  I even asked Him why he saved me from my last suicide attempt, 20+ years ago; only to have to face this even harder journey I am on right now.  I am tired of treading water and would like to get in the boat and rest for a while.  Have you ever felt that way?

Tamela Mann sings a song called, “Take Me to the King” that speaks volumes about this journey of the broken spirit.  In her song, she says:

Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are You?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?

Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fight
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch will change my life

Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King

Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King

After you’ve done all you can, and you can no longer “just stand,” perhaps all you can do is to lay at the throne – battered and beaten and waiting for healing.  Perhaps you don’t have to say a word because God knows your heart.  

What intrigues me about Tamela Mann’s song, though, is that she asks to be taken to the throne.  That means she needs help to get there.  She is too tired and weak on her own to even get the healing she needs.  This is where our friends, prayer partners, prayer groups, and prayer warriors come in to stand in the gap for us.  When we have nothing left, we must ask for the prayers and strength of others who can pray for us, over us, and with us.  Do not be ashamed to say, “I am broken” or “I’ve given up” or “I have nothing left.”  You see, God does give us more than we can bear ALONE.  Sometimes, He is the only place from where our help can come.  

Pete Wilson, in his book, Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?, challenges believers in a couple of ways.  Pete said, “I've discovered that sometimes God wants us to live inside of the questions. Sometimes he wants us to linger in the waiting, hoping, praying. In fact, sometimes it's right in the middle of our darkness in the middle of our crisis, in the middle of our Plan B struggles that God speaks most clearly.”  He also acknowledges one his greatest fears by saying, “My greatest fear for my life and yours is that we'll just get busy and distracted and settle for a mediocre, unexamined life. It's that we'll just settle into life as usual and never become the person God intended for us to be.”

I have read this book several times.  In the midst of my own treacherous Job season, Pete’s words have once again challenged me, though.  So, I will leave you with this challenge from Pete Wilson’s book.  And I ask, “is this where I have fallen short again,” “is this my truth,” “is this your truth?”

You may be at odds with God right now. You're not happy with the way your life is turning out. You may be praying and pleading with God. But is it possible you don't really want God? Is it possible you just want what you think God can give you? One of the things I believe God is teaching me in my life these days is that at times we want our dreams more than we want God. We want what God does for us instead of just God.