Friends

The word friend comes from an Old English word meaning to love freely.  Merriam-Webster defines a “friend” as:

-        1. A person you like and enjoy being with

-        2. A person who helps or supports someone or something

-        3. One attached to another by affection or esteem

-        4. One that is not hostile

-        5. One that is of the same nation, party, or group

-        6. One that favors or promotes something

-        7. A favored companion

I define a friend as:

-        1. Someone who is ALWAYS there for you no matter what

-        2. A “ride or die” buddy

-        3. Someone who has your back at all costs

-        4. Someone who helps you pick up the pieces when life implodes around you

-        5. Someone with whom you can share anything and everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly

-        6. Someone who is there to help you, however he or she can, before you even ask

My definition of a friend comes from what I know I would do for a friend and what I would want a friend to do for me.  My therapist and I argued for half a session about how you define real friends and who they are in my life.  The sad truth is that in analyzing who actually meets my criteria, the list is very short.  What I came to realize is that I tend to be a much better “friend” to the people in my life than they are to me.

This sad revelation came as I was packing up my living room to move next week.  After working two jobs and being up since 4AM, I was in my living room all alone with no one to help me pack.  I hate moving as much as most people do; but I have helped people pack and move several times.  I just grit my teeth and get in there and do what I can.  Yet, when it comes time for me to move, there is no one to be found.  To their credit, I actually have some “friends” that were honest and just told me, point blank, “Don’t ask me to help you move because I’m not going to do it.”  Other “friends,” who always give lip service to “Anything you need, you know I am there for you,” are nowhere to be found either.  So, after I got my living room packed, I started to think.

I started to think about whether my friends are really my friends.  By Webster’s definition, I would say, “Yes.”  I enjoy being with them and I feel like we are attached by affection.  They are not hostile and I would consider most of them “a favored companion.”  By my definition, though, I am not sure that all my “friends” are truly “friends.”  It may be time to put a few of them in the “acquaintance” category.

As I sat amongst my boxes, I started thinking about other situations in which I may have needed help.  It is not easy for me to ask for help; but, I have learned how to do it.  Unfortunately, as I thought about more and more situations, I realized that I had gone through the storm pretty much by myself – with no one on whom to lean for whatever reason. 

Most of my “friends” are my age or older, only a few are in their 30s.  We ALL work and we are ALL driven.  Some have kids, some do not.  Some are married, some are not.  Seemingly, however, when I am in need, everyone is too busy to help.  Yet, whenever one of my “friends” needs help, I find the time or make the time to help them out.  I will schedule something on my off day.  I will reschedule clients if it’s something urgent or serious.  I will give the last dime that I can afford to give.  I will block time off my schedule to be there for a future event or need.  But, when it’s my turn, the effort is not nearly reciprocated.  That revelation wounded my heart.

So, my therapist believes that I should scrap everyone on the list who doesn’t meet my definition of “friend” – no matter how long they have been in my life.  She believes I should start fresh and make all new “friends.”  I don’t agree.  I believe you have to accept to people where they are and believe them when they show you who they are.  I think what I will have to do is start categorizing my “friends” into sub-groups, such as:

-        1. Those that are strictly acquaintances

-        2. Those that will always be there to talk ONLY

-        3. Those that I can call up for a spontaneous road trip

-       4.  Those that will actually be PRESENT to help me with whatever I need

-        5. Those that I can truly call FRIEND who will meet my needs the same way I will meet theirs

Then, I will have to learn to set boundaries with those that do not warrant all my time and effort.  I understand that going out of my way is my choice.  So, with someone that I know will never reciprocate that level of “friendship,” I will just have to start holding back.  That way my love tank doesn’t run empty – leaving nothing for my or those on whom I can depend.  That will take some self-evaluation and self-exploration on my part as well as some difficult decisions because I am naturally a “helper.”  Not giving my all is like trying to hold back the tide. LOL.  

I give myself permission, however, to set the necessary boundaries to take care of my heart and my needs.  I give myself permission to expect that the same level of friendship I give will be reciprocated to me.  I give myself permission to say, “No,” when I need to say it and to not feel guilty about it.  I applaud myself for being a good friend and I am grateful for the “friends” and acquaintances that I do have.

So, as always, I leave you with a challenge.  Take a good hard look at your “friends” and decide for yourself if you need to do some “housekeeping” in that department.  Is it time for you to re-categorize the people in your life?  Is it time to get rid of some dead weight?  Is it time to let some new people in?  Are you overlooking anyone in your life that could be a good friend if you would let them?  Just some things to think about.