Submission is NOT a Dirty Word

When asked what they think submission means, most women will give the word a negative connotation.   I have heard submission defined as: bowing down, being subservient, being run over, abuse, a loss of power, a loss of control, being ruled, and the list goes on.  The word is rarely received with a warm smile or a sense of openness.  It is typically received with curled lips, wide eyes, smacking of the lips, sucking of the teeth, and rolling of the neck as though I have dared to use profanity.  Why?  Why has submission become a dirty word?

Merriam-Webster defines submission as “the state of being obedient,” “the condition of being submissive, humble or compliant,” and as “an act of submitting to the authority or control of another.”  In the biblical sense, God asks women to submit to their husbands, yes; but he first asks men to love their wives the way that Christ loved the church. If a husband, fiancé, or significant other loves a woman the way Christ loved the church – with his whole heart, gently, respectfully, with grace and mercy, completely, unconditionally, and soul deep – what reason does a woman have to not submit to him?

One day, when I was about 9 years old, my grandfather was trying to fix the car because it had run hot or something.  It was a hot, South Carolina, summer day and my grandmother and I were sitting in the car waiting.  I started to get very impatient and asked my grandmother why she didn’t just tell my grandfather to call someone to help us.  She sat quietly.  I became even more impatient and asked my grandmother why she didn’t say something – anything.  How could she just sit there patiently waiting when my grandfather obviously couldn’t fix the car?  She looked at me and calmly said, “You will learn that there is a time for a woman to speak and a time for a woman to shut up.”  I had no idea what that meant at the time.  Later, I would realize that was my very first lesson in submission and it was not a bad thing.

You see, my grandmother submitting to my grandfather’s will to fix the car didn’t hurt anyone.  In fact, it kept the situation calm.  He was already upset and her chastising him, or nagging, would have only made that situation worse.  Eventually, my grandfather realized that he needed to go to a service station to get help.  Not once did my grandmother ever make him feel stupid, incompetent, or any less of a man, however.  She just sat quietly and waited patiently.  That was a subtle form of submission.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my grandmother would speak her mind when she felt she needed to but she picked her battles very carefully and she never disrespected my grandfather.  And he never disrespected her.

Being raised in a traditional Southern home, I have just learned certain things as a young woman – as a lady – that you do for your man.  Most people would consider them submissive, in a sense; I see them more as respectful.  For example, I always fix my boyfriend’s plate first and wait for him to start eating before I do in case he needs me to get him anything.  I allow him to take out the trash even though I am fully capable of doing it myself.  I run big decisions by him because I value his input and if we were married, he would definitely have the last say.  I have no problem hanging up his coat, ironing his clothes, or giving him a massage.  So, is that submitting?  I guess it depends on your definition of submission.  Those are all things that I do out of respect and love for him – not because he makes me or has some kind of control over me.  My boyfriend is very respectful and treats me like a lady at all times.  He is the ultimate gentleman and makes me feel like a million bucks. 

So, when am I submissive?  I believe I am submissive mostly with my mouth.  I am a very independent woman and I can be very opinionated.  So, I have had to learn that my opinion, although heard, may not be used as the final solution to a problem.  Typically, I will argue a point until I get the answer I want or at least feel like I’ve gotten my point across.  I have learned not to argue as much with YH because once he has made a decision, it is made.  There are also times that I practice that very first lesson my grandmother taught me and I simply sit quietly.  At 43, I think that is the best lesson in submission I have ever learned.  Simply knowing when and when not to speak can save you a world of trouble and hours of arguing.  Knowing how to speak in a respectful tone when you do speak keeps you from emasculating your man and invites communication.

You see, submission is not about shutting someone down or shutting someone out.  Submission is simply about showing respect and letting a man be a man and take his place at the head of the family.  I realize that for black women this can be extremely difficult because our men were taken from us and we had to learn to live life on our own and some men want you to give respect that has not been earned.  However, there are some men out there who are willing to work to earn the respect they deserve and they should be given their rightful place at the head of the table and at the head of the family.  To my sisters, I say stop trying to control everything.  It’s okay to let a man know that you love him but you are afraid of being hurt.  If you want him to be a man, you have to give him the opportunity.  Stop expecting a man to stand up and be strong after being emasculated on a regular basis.  It’s okay to submit to a good man, relinquish the throne, trust that he will follow God, tame your tongue, and show some humility as a show of thanks for all that he does for you.