A Letter to God

Dear God,

Today, while rested, I still feel tired physically. But my spirit is light and full of joy. I am so amazingly blessed to have everything I both need and want. I live in my dream house. I have a career I absolutely love – working towards having my dream job. I have friends and family who love and support me. I have an amazing dog who wants absolutely nothing from me but love. I have no more leeches, cheaters, liars, or users in my life. I have no need for completion. I am not lonely in, or afraid of, my life as a twice divorced woman. The only thing that would be more freeing is to debt free again; if I win the lottery, I’ll make sure that happens.

I guess my only question, God, is: if you truly have someone for me, how do I say “NO?” It’s not that I don’t believe in, or trust, You. I do. I do not, however, think anyone in my life would, or even could, love me to the depths, or with the fervor, which I love them. No one will ever be as thoughtful s I am – always thinking of me, wanting the best for me, wanting to ease my burden, or just wanting me to be happy for no other reason than to see me smile. And I’m tired of that – always being the one who is more invested in him and in us – always being the one sacrificing, going out of my way, or being inconvenienced. I give to SO MANY PEOPLE – so many. I just think my focus, my energy, my love, and my care is better in those that need me. That way, I stay responsible for filling my own tank. I don’t get let down or disappointed ever. And I don’t even have to care all the time – only when I’m working. I think that is all the capacity I have right now. 

I don’t need sex or money. I would have to have someone willing to work hard for me – to get my attention – to make me feel loved so that I want to love back. And he doesn’t exist.

Everyone and anyone can appear selfless in the beginning; it’s rarely, if ever, consistent. And it never lasts – especially if they are not getting anything in return. I just don’t have it to give. I’m thoughtful and kind by nature. I love to laugh. But most of all, I just like to BE – hearing another’s soothing heartbeat, feeling safe enough to let go and relax in his arms, breathing in his scent, feeling the warmth of his skin, feeling his breath on my neck or his fingers in my hair. Feeling like he would never let go if he didn’t have to – being able to just share space with me because I bring him the same wonderfulness he brings me. He would have to be a studied romantic – meaning he would read & research about different, unique ways to be romantic – not just do the easiest or the obvious. He would have to put in EFFORT to make sure I knew the depth of his love for me and not just assume I did. He would have to have passion for more than my body! Don’t get me wrong, he would need to be passionate and adventurous, while also gentle, compassionate, and dominant, during sex. But sex cannot always be the go to! Because what happens if one of us can no longer perform sexually? There MUST be intimacy like no other – where nothing has to held back.

I used to say my husband did NOT have to be my best friend. After being married & divorced twice and ending up wishing I could talk to my husband, or immediately knowing I would never talk to him about something, I have come to realize that I want, maybe even need, my husband to be my very best friend. And I’m just honestly not sure that men are even capable, anymore, of being good friends first & foremost. Eventually, they all seem to start thinking with their dicks and that becomes their most important damn need – no matter what else is happening in the world.

Nobody talks anymore. Nobody shares their deepest, most authentic, true self anymore. We’re too afraid that it won’t be good enough. I’m not eye candy to one guy [to whom I would’ve given my whole heart, albeit undeservedly] and I’m hot as hell to another guy because I do “have meat on my bones,” and get this, was NOT wearing heels or being frilly. 

But would either of them know that I miss my daughter and that I am terrified that the next time I see her, she’ll be in a coffin? Would either of them know that I work so hard because I feel the weight of God’s calling on me 24/7/365? Would either of them honor that and bring me dinner or appreciate having a quick cup of coffee with me instead of adding more pressure to my fear of failure by constantly saying, “You never have time for me”? Would either of them know that I feel imposter syndrome just like everybody else at times? Would they realize that I get tired of hearing, “That’s what happens when you’re good at what you do”? Which one would be willing to lay in bed and watch Marvel movies – allowing me to doze off and on and not be frustrated? Some will play golf. Some will not. But none of that matters if they neither know nor understand me.

Lord, I just don’t see that happening. I don’t believe they genuinely have the desire to know, the willingness to learn, the energy to try, or the selflessness to look outside themselves. I can feel the depths of other people’s souls – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. But men NEVER EVER seem to see, or feel, that I am an incredible gift from You, Lord, to so many – but to the one with whom You would have me. So, we can move on to something else. Please. I’ve had my fill. I know I’m loved by MANY. I know I am EASY to love. But the risks no longer outweigh the benefits I’m afraid. Can we please just focus on my dream job and making sure that I am always financially secure and able to pay my bills with a cushion left over each month? I don’t need any more trips [currently]. I don’t need anyone to share my space. I just need a steady check (and benefits), from an NFL team, that truly represents my professional value, a beach in my backyard, and a consistent five figure balance in my bank account. You’ve prepared me, as best You can, for Your will in Zari’s life and my Daddy’s life. Somehow I will survive those losses, whenever they come, because I know You will carry me through.

Thank You, Lord, for all the blessings You have bestowed on me. Thank You for my spiritual gifts. Thank You for trusting me to feed Your sheep. Thank You for allowing me to experience marriage and childbirth. If You never bless me again, Father, I have enough and I am enough simply because I exist. I love You, Lord; and I thank You for loving me too. Thank You for always reminding me that even broken crayons still color!

The Sagacious Sting of Accountability

I honestly believe that most people genuinely try to be their best selves most of the time. No one is perfect, however, including me. It doesn’t bother me to fall short of perfection [if I don’t land on mediocre, or worse, on failure]. In nursing school, I remember one of my classmates asking why I worked so hard to get A’s – “because C’s get the same degrees,” she said. I have just always prided myself on doing my best in everything I do – especially when it comes to how I affect people. My philosophy has always been: Position does not equal power; power is determined by how you affect people. So, when I do less than my best for a friend, family member, or client, it hurts me to my core. I am, admittedly, extremely hard on myself and show myself very little, if any, compassion when that happens. The only thing that hurts worse is when someone adds salt to the wound by saying:

You’re a mental health professional/psychologist/counselor; you should know better or you should’ve been able to fix [it].

Even worse than that low blow, however, is when the person I failed must bring said failure to my attention; and I am slapped in the face with my own accountability. That’s a damn hard pill to swallow! But it happened recently; and I am still reeling from it because it was an epic fail, in my opinion, for several reasons:

• I was insensitive and unintentionally dismissive of a friend’s pain.
• I made a bad situation worse for someone for whom I care deeply.
• I was too focused on myself to even ask what he needed.
• I was barreling full steam ahead with my own agenda – what I thought was best – with absolutely no regard for the effect I was having on him.
• I was blind, deaf, and dumb, initially, when he called me on it.

Once my eyes were open, however, I saw pain, disappointment, sadness, and something else in his eyes and on his face that said I had failed him in an epic way. But that look in his eyes, and the “why bother” tone in his voice, stung like a mother***er! I was overcome with embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, and shame all at the same time – and yes, they are all different. I felt embarrassed because I had done something stupid. I felt humiliated because my friend had called me on it; and he was right. I felt guilty because I had [done a bad thing] by hurting my friend. I felt shame because I believed [I was a bad person] because not only had I failed a friend that I love to death, I had failed myself, and in my opinion, I had failed God by being an overall shitty person. See. Told you; I don’t show myself compassion [at least, not the first day].

On the opposite end of that spectrum, are the people who are never responsible for anything in their lives, relationships, or on their job. Everything is someone else’s fault. Someone “forced” them to make a specific decision (especially if it was not the best decision). They cannot get ahead in life because they have the worst luck, or they are the victim of a conspiracy. They are not happy because no one understands them. They’re broke because “everybody needs them,” not because they mismanage their money and cannot say “no.” They use drugs, as an adult, because they grew up with dysfunctional parents in childhood. They abuse their spouse because their spouse talks too much or doesn’t do anything right. And the list goes on. They have an excuse for everything that happens in their life, but it is never because of their oversight, insensitivity, bad decision, impatience, inability to cope, laziness, etc.

So, what is it about accountability that either makes people run from it, like the plague, on one end of the spectrum, or makes people strive for, or demand it, as a high standard on the other end of the spectrum?

Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.” Some synonyms are responsibility, culpability, duty, and liability. It is not a passive noun – not something that “just happens.” It is an answerability of performance that results in either reward or sanction (Romzek, 2015). Accountability is an active noun something that must be intentionally and consciously implemented. And accountability starts with YOU. If you expect the people in your circle to be accountable, you must model it yourself – keep your word, follow through, honor commitments, and own your crap. Accountability applies to everyone; no one is exempt. It cannot be delegated; it must be accepted by the owner. Accountability is the single biggest differentiator between successful and unsuccessful teams – corporate, governmental, social, sports, and romantic.

Accountability can be internal and/or external. Internal accountability is being accountable to oneself. It’s an individual’s personal commitment to be true to their values and to fulfill their promises. It comes from the inside out and creates a credibility that others trust and respect. External accountability comes from the outside in, being accountable, not to oneself, but to others. It creates an environment that people feel compelled to follow, a set of social norms and standards. Its role is to support the resolve of internal accountability. It creates the climate that allows people to fulfill their best intentions. External accountability cannot manufacture commitment, but it can fan its flame.

Accountability is the skill that every relationship must have in order to thrive. It’s not enough for just one partner to be able to take ownership of the things that they inadvertently do that hurt the other partner. Both people in any relationship really must be able to take accountability. Now, accountability requires taking ownership when we have accidentally done something wrong, hurt someone else, or let someone down. It entails being responsive to your partner’s needs. Responsive means that when your partner tells you for the 17th time, “You know it really doesn’t work for me when you yell at me like that,” in order to take accountability we have to own it and figure out how to do it differently. We must respond to their request that we do something differently and that we shift it. However, here is the challenge and why more people don’t take accountability. It requires a lot of confidence and belief in yourself as a good partner in order to take ownership.

There is nothing more frustrating than being in a relationship with someone who refuses to take accountability for his or her actions. In his or her mind, whatever happens is either someone else's fault or bad luck. Almost like a toddler, the person refuses to take responsibility for anything, no matter what. In their mind, they are the victim. They rationalize things in any way possible to avoid taking ownership or any type of fault. In other words, they have no ability whatsoever to say the words, "It's my fault," "I caused this," "I take full responsibility" or "I'm sorry." People who can't or won't take accountability lack self-awareness, humility, maturity and courage. Taking accountability isn't easy. It takes the courage to engage in introspection, humility and true honesty. Accountability means taking a hard look in the mirror and owning up to a problem you caused or contributed to. Furthermore, it means having the guts to attempt to fix what you did, either by asking for help or applying the discipline to change the behavior.

In playing the victim, however, one is giving away their power and their choice. Holding yourself accountable for your actions, especially in a relationship of any kind, is a reminder that you control your thoughts, words, choices, behavior changes, and outcomes. It creates trust in the relationship and shows both your maturity and willingness to be honest and vulnerable. Accountability requires that you:

• Know who you want to be
• Know what you want out of life
• Don’t give your power away by blaming others
• Don’t waste time blaming yourself; rather own your crap and change it
• Be honest with yourself
• Recognize the reward you are getting from staying powerless and helpless when you refuse to own your crap
• Know that you always have a choice no matter what the situation

Most people take accountability for the good things they do in life, right? It's easy to do that. If we do something kind and someone thanks us, we say "You're welcome," which proves this. But the real heroes in life are the people who realize their imperfections, verbalize their regrets and learn from the mistakes. I am no hero by any means, but I do realize my imperfections, I do regret my actions, my inability to see what I was doing wrong, and the feelings it caused for my friend. I have learned a hard lesson from this mistake. I have apologized and I have asked his forgiveness. If this lesson has cost me an incredible friendship with a great person; I'll hold myself accountable for that as well. And it will sting like a motherf***er!

References

1. Christy, K. (2020). Stop playing the blame game: Take responsibility in your relationship. Retrieved from https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/
2. Pilossoph, J. (2015, July 8). Love essentially: Relationships hinge on accountability. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from https://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/evanston/ct-evr-pilossoph-affleck-garner-divorce-tl-0716-20150708-story.html
3. Romzek, B. S. (2015). Living accountability: Hot rhetoric, cool theory, and uneven practice. Political Science & Politics, 48(01), 27-34. https://doi.org/10.1017/s1049096514001553
4. Sasseville, A. (2017, May 4). The importance of accountability in your relationships. Retrieved from https://www.flourishcounseling.com/importance-accountability-relationships/
5. Zipp, B. (2020). Two kinds of accountability: Internal and external. Retrieved from https://billzipp.com/two-kinds-of-accountability-internal-and-external/

To Be a Kid Again

It’s sad that when we become adults, we sometimes forget simple lessons we learned (e.g., having good manners, keeping your room clean, & always work hard to do your best), how to play (e.g., board games, team sports, & going outside until the streetlights came on), to be carefree (e.g., relaxing, napping, playing with pets), and to just laugh & have fun (e.g., watching cartoons, reading, playing an instrument, & using your imagination). 

I was sitting at my breakfast bar one morning, eating my childhood favorite, Malt-O-Meal, and caught myself humming and dancing in my chair – celebrating how good it tasted. And I swear I heard my mom say, “I’m glad you like it; but we don’t sing at the table.” LOL. Then, I started thinking about what else I do that reminds me of my younger years, when I had no worries, plenty of time to play, laughed a bunch, had oodles of fun, learned some significant lessons, and simply enjoyed life. And here is what I came up with:

• When I make my coffee in the morning, I think about always being excited when I got to make my Daddy’s cup of coffee.
• When I visit my horse, Hershey, I am reminded of the book my Daddy used to teach me how to read; a book titled Joey’s Horse.
• When I ride my horse, I remember when I first fell in love with horses, at Girl Scout camp, when I was nine years old. I won a 2-week stay for selling over 1,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies!
• When I read Curious George to my grandson, I remember the hours I spent riding the book mobile, with my paternal grandmother in Charleston, SC every summer; reading all day.
• When I have a big breakfast, with biscuits, eggs, and bacon, I remember summers with my maternal grandparents. Getting up in the cold dawn going to the hen house to get the eggs and stopping by the salt house on the way back to get the bacon while my grandmother made biscuits from scratch.
• When I eat Froot Loops and Apple Jacks, I remember when my Daddy and I would sit on the couch and watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.
• When I watch cartoons from time to time [I still love Scooby-Doo, Looney Tunes, and the Hanna Barbera ones on Boomerang], I remember rushing home from elementary school to catch Speed Racer and Batman (which I now own the full series of on DVD).
• When I play with my dogs, I remember the joy of getting my first pet on my 4^th birthday, a black Cocker Spaniel, named Sams’n.
• When I clean my bathroom, I remember how proud I was for getting my Brownie pin turned right side up because I cleaned my bathroom, on my own, without having to be asked.
• When I hear Ragtime music, I remember taking piano lessons and playing Scott Joplin’s The Entertainer, at my piano recital.
• When I am reminded of my extensive vocabulary, I remember my Daddy’s requirement that I learn a new word every day and use it in a sentence at least five times.
• When I am complimented on my nice handwriting, I get tickled because I remember how irritated my mom would be when she couldn’t find any blank paper in the house because I had practiced my handwriting on every piece of paper I found.
• When I hear any opera music, I think about all the hours of voice lessons I took, the beautiful music I sang (mostly in Italian), and how much I loved to sing.
• When I watch soccer on TV, I remember my Daddy being my coach as a little league player and my biggest fan as both a high school player [on the boys’ Varsity team] AND an adult player [in the Georgia Amateur Association].
• When I hear a high school marching band rehearsing, I think back to my days as a high school cheerleader – when I was bubbly and fit - LOL.
• When I watch football, I remember going to my uncle’s games, faithfully, to show support for his team and for him as a coach, at Panthersville stadium; now named after him, the William “Buck” Godfrey Stadium.
• When I see, or eat, strawberry Mentos, I am reminded of the times, as a lifeguard, I would sit with my bestie, Lisa, in the baby pool, and talk about life as we devoured a roll or two.
• Whenever I play Scrabble or Gin Rummy on my iPad, I am reminded of my college bestie, Leah, and the many games of Scrabble and Gin Rummy we played over many bottles of wine, and how nice it was to have a friend with whom I could just be myself and on whom I could always depend. I will always remember our friendship fondly even though, sadly, after 30 years, we are no longer friends.
• When I teach college courses, I am reminded of the value of learning, loving myself, and living a purposeful life, that I discovered in Dr. Nelson’s high school psychology class.
• Whenever I go to a formal dinner, party, or other event, that requires poise, grace, and proper etiquette, I remember the book my mother made me read (and practice), White Gloves and Party Manners; grateful that I have no anxiety about which fork to use and when.
• Whenever I see a balcony on a house, I think about jumping from our balcony to my neighbors’ so I could sneak out through their house (a group of Morehouse College students) instead of fooling with the alarm at our house - risking waking my mother and getting caught.

So many things I thought were small, insignificant, or just “part of life,” often pop into my head, bringing forth a fond memory, a smile, and even a chuckle at times. Life was so simple before we had to start “adulting.” There was no stress, no time management (except getting home before the streetlights came on), no social anxiety, no tension headaches, or financial strain. There were no heavy responsibilities and there was not a lot of anger or sadness overall. I had friends who were genuine. I had teachers who cared. I had parents who did their best. I had opportunities that a lot of kids don’t get. I was held to a very high standard; and for the most part, I met it. But I was by no means perfect and still am not. I do think I take life too seriously too often though. Perhaps I need to adopt my husband’s Jamaican philosophy, in Bob Marley’s words: “Don’t worry about a thing ‘cause every little thing gonna be alright.” I just have to remember to make time to play, be carefree, to laugh, and just have some fun so that “adulting” doesn’t seem so bad. I encourage all who read this to do the same.