Saturday, May 9, 2020

The Sagacious Sting of Accountability


I honestly believe that most people genuinely try to be their best selves most of the time. No one is perfect, however, including me. It doesn’t bother me to fall short of perfection [if I don’t land on mediocre, or worse, on failure]. In nursing school, I remember one of my classmates asking why I worked so hard to get A’s – “because C’s get the same degrees,” she said. I have just always prided myself on doing my best in everything I do – especially when it comes to how I affect people. My philosophy has always been: Position does not equal power; power is determined by how you affect people. So, when I do less than my best for a friend, family member, or client, it hurts me to my core. I am, admittedly, extremely hard on myself and show myself very little, if any, compassion when that happens. The only thing that hurts worse is when someone adds salt to the wound by saying:

You’re a mental health professional/psychologist/counselor; you should know better or you should’ve been able to fix [it].

Even worse than that low blow, however, is when the person I failed must bring said failure to my attention; and I am slapped in the face with my own accountability. That’s a damn hard pill to swallow! But it happened recently; and I am still reeling from it because it was an epic fail, in my opinion, for several reasons:
  • I was insensitive and unintentionally dismissive of a friend’s pain.
  • I made a bad situation worse for someone for whom I care deeply.
  • I was too focused on myself to even ask what he needed.
  • I was barreling full steam ahead with my own agenda – what I thought was best – with absolutely no regard for the effect I was having on him.
  • I was blind, deaf, and dumb, initially, when he called me on it.
Once my eyes were open, however, I saw pain, disappointment, sadness, and something else in his eyes and on his face that said I had failed him in an epic way. But that look in his eyes, and the “why bother” tone in his voice, stung like a mother***er! I was overcome with embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, and shame all at the same time – and yes, they are all different. I felt embarrassed because I had done something stupid. I felt humiliated because my friend had called me on it; and he was right. I felt guilty because I had [done a bad thing] by hurting my friend. I felt shame because I believed [I was a bad person] because not only had I failed a friend that I love to death, I had failed myself, and in my opinion, I had failed God by being an overall shitty person. See. Told you; I don’t show myself compassion [at least, not the first day].

On the opposite end of that spectrum, are the people who are never responsible for anything in their lives, relationships, or on their job. Everything is someone else’s fault. Someone “forced” them to make a specific decision (especially if it was not the best decision). They cannot get ahead in life because they have the worst luck, or they are the victim of a conspiracy. They are not happy because no one understands them. They’re broke because “everybody needs them,” not because they mismanage their money and cannot say “no.” They use drugs, as an adult, because they grew up with dysfunctional parents in childhood. They abuse their spouse because their spouse talks too much or doesn’t do anything right. And the list goes on. They have an excuse for everything that happens in their life, but it is never because of their oversight, insensitivity, bad decision, impatience, inability to cope, laziness, etc.

So, what is it about accountability that either makes people run from it, like the plague, on one end of the spectrum, or makes people strive for, or demand it, as a high standard on the other end of the spectrum?

Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.” Some synonyms are responsibility, culpability, duty, and liability. It is not a passive noun – not something that “just happens.” It is an answerability of performance that results in either reward or sanction (Romzek, 2015). Accountability is an active noun something that must be intentionally and consciously implemented. And accountability starts with YOU. If you expect the people in your circle to be accountable, you must model it yourself – keep your word, follow through, honor commitments, and own your crap. Accountability applies to everyone; no one is exempt. It cannot be delegated; it must be accepted by the owner. Accountability is the single biggest differentiator between successful and unsuccessful teams – corporate, governmental, social, sports, and romantic.

Accountability can be internal and/or external. Internal accountability is being accountable to oneself. It’s an individual’s personal commitment to be true to their values and to fulfill their promises. It comes from the inside out and creates a credibility that others trust and respect. External accountability comes from the outside in, being accountable, not to oneself, but to others. It creates an environment that people feel compelled to follow, a set of social norms and standards. Its role is to support the resolve of internal accountability. It creates the climate that allows people to fulfill their best intentions. External accountability cannot manufacture commitment, but it can fan its flame.

Accountability is the skill that every relationship must have in order to thrive. It’s not enough for just one partner to be able to take ownership of the things that they inadvertently do that hurt the other partner. Both people in any relationship really must be able to take accountability. Now, accountability requires taking ownership when we have accidentally done something wrong, hurt someone else, or let someone down. It entails being responsive to your partner’s needs. Responsive means that when your partner tells you for the 17th time, “You know it really doesn’t work for me when you yell at me like that,” in order to take accountability we have to own it and figure out how to do it differently. We must respond to their request that we do something differently and that we shift it. However, here is the challenge and why more people don’t take accountability. It requires a lot of confidence and belief in yourself as a good partner in order to take ownership.

There is nothing more frustrating than being in a relationship with someone who refuses to take accountability for his or her actions. In his or her mind, whatever happens is either someone else's fault or bad luck. Almost like a toddler, the person refuses to take responsibility for anything, no matter what. In their mind, they are the victim. They rationalize things in any way possible to avoid taking ownership or any type of fault. In other words, they have no ability whatsoever to say the words, "It's my fault," "I caused this," "I take full responsibility" or "I'm sorry." People who can't or won't take accountability lack self-awareness, humility, maturity and courage. Taking accountability isn't easy. It takes the courage to engage in introspection, humility and true honesty. Accountability means taking a hard look in the mirror and owning up to a problem you caused or contributed to. Furthermore, it means having the guts to attempt to fix what you did, either by asking for help or applying the discipline to change the behavior.

In playing the victim, however, one is giving away their power and their choice. Holding yourself accountable for your actions, especially in a relationship of any kind, is a reminder that you control your thoughts, words, choices, behavior changes, and outcomes. It creates trust in the relationship and shows both your maturity and willingness to be honest and vulnerable. Accountability requires that you:
  • Know who you want to be
  • Know what you want out of life
  • Don’t give your power away by blaming others
  • Don’t waste time blaming yourself; rather own your crap and change it
  • Be honest with yourself
  • Recognize the reward you are getting from staying powerless and helpless when you refuse to own your crap
  • Know that you always have a choice no matter what the situation
Most people take accountability for the good things they do in life, right? It's easy to do that. If we do something kind and someone thanks us, we say "You're welcome," which proves this. But the real heroes in life are the people who realize their imperfections, verbalize their regrets and learn from the mistakes. I am no hero by any means, but I do realize my imperfections, I do regret my actions, my inability to see what I was doing wrong, and the feelings it caused for my friend. I have learned a hard lesson from this mistake. I have apologized and I have asked his forgiveness. If this lesson has cost me an incredible friendship with a great person; I'll hold myself accountable for that as well. And it will sting like a motherf***er!

References
  1. Christy, K. (2020). Stop playing the blame game: Take responsibility in your relationship. Retrieved from https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/
  2. Pilossoph, J. (2015, July 8). Love essentially: Relationships hinge on accountability. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from https://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/evanston/ct-evr-pilossoph-affleck-garner-divorce-tl-0716-20150708-story.html
  3. Romzek, B. S. (2015). Living accountability: Hot rhetoric, cool theory, and uneven practice. Political Science & Politics, 48(01), 27-34. https://doi.org/10.1017/s1049096514001553
  4. Sasseville, A. (2017, May 4). The importance of accountability in your relationships. Retrieved from https://www.flourishcounseling.com/importance-accountability-relationships/
  5. Zipp, B. (2020). Two kinds of accountability: Internal and external. Retrieved from https://billzipp.com/two-kinds-of-accountability-internal-and-external/






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