I honestly believe that most people genuinely try to be
their best selves most of the time. No one is perfect, however, including me.
It doesn’t bother me to fall short of perfection [if I don’t land on mediocre,
or worse, on failure]. In nursing school, I remember one of my classmates
asking why I worked so hard to get A’s – “because C’s get the same degrees,”
she said. I have just always prided myself on doing my best in everything I do –
especially when it comes to how I affect people. My philosophy has always been:
Position does not equal power; power is determined by how you affect people.
So, when I do less than my best for a friend, family member, or client, it
hurts me to my core. I am, admittedly, extremely hard on myself and show myself
very little, if any, compassion when that happens. The only thing that hurts
worse is when someone adds salt to the wound by saying:
You’re a mental health
professional/psychologist/counselor; you should know better or you should’ve been
able to fix [it].
Even worse than that low blow, however, is when the person I
failed must bring said failure to my attention; and I am slapped in the face
with my own accountability. That’s a damn hard pill to swallow! But it happened
recently; and I am still reeling from it because it was an epic fail, in my
opinion, for several reasons:
- I was insensitive and unintentionally dismissive of a friend’s pain.
- I made a bad situation worse for someone for whom I care deeply.
- I was too focused on myself to even ask what he needed.
- I was barreling full steam ahead with my own agenda – what I thought was best – with absolutely no regard for the effect I was having on him.
- I was blind, deaf, and dumb, initially, when he called me on it.
Once my eyes were open, however, I saw pain, disappointment,
sadness, and something else in his eyes and on his face that said I had failed
him in an epic way. But that look in his eyes, and the “why bother” tone in his
voice, stung like a mother***er! I was overcome with embarrassment,
humiliation, guilt, and shame all at the same time – and yes, they are all
different. I felt embarrassed because I had done something stupid. I felt
humiliated because my friend had called me on it; and he was right. I felt
guilty because I had [done a bad thing] by hurting my friend. I felt shame because
I believed [I was a bad person] because not only had I failed a friend that I
love to death, I had failed myself, and in my opinion, I had failed God by
being an overall shitty person. See. Told you; I don’t show myself compassion
[at least, not the first day].
On the opposite end of that spectrum, are the people who are
never responsible for anything in their lives, relationships, or on their job. Everything
is someone else’s fault. Someone “forced” them to make a specific decision (especially
if it was not the best decision). They cannot get ahead in life because they
have the worst luck, or they are the victim of a conspiracy. They are not happy
because no one understands them. They’re broke because “everybody needs them,”
not because they mismanage their money and cannot say “no.” They use drugs, as
an adult, because they grew up with dysfunctional parents in childhood. They abuse
their spouse because their spouse talks too much or doesn’t do anything right.
And the list goes on. They have an excuse for everything that happens in their life,
but it is never because of their oversight, insensitivity, bad decision,
impatience, inability to cope, laziness, etc.
So, what is it about accountability that either makes people
run from it, like the plague, on one end of the spectrum, or makes people
strive for, or demand it, as a high standard on the other end of the spectrum?
Merriam-Webster defines accountability as “an obligation or
willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.” Some
synonyms are responsibility, culpability, duty, and liability. It is not a
passive noun – not something that “just happens.” It is an answerability of performance
that results in either reward or sanction (Romzek, 2015). Accountability is an
active noun something that must be intentionally and consciously implemented.
And accountability starts with YOU. If you expect the people in your circle to
be accountable, you must model it yourself – keep your word, follow through,
honor commitments, and own your crap. Accountability applies to everyone; no
one is exempt. It cannot be delegated; it must be accepted by the owner. Accountability
is the single biggest differentiator between successful and unsuccessful teams
– corporate, governmental, social, sports, and romantic.
Accountability can be internal and/or external. Internal
accountability is being accountable to oneself. It’s an individual’s personal
commitment to be true to their values and to fulfill their promises. It comes
from the inside out and creates a credibility that others trust and respect. External
accountability comes from the outside in, being accountable, not to oneself,
but to others. It creates an environment that people feel compelled to follow,
a set of social norms and standards. Its role is to support the resolve of
internal accountability. It creates the climate that allows people to fulfill
their best intentions. External accountability cannot manufacture commitment,
but it can fan its flame.
Accountability is the skill that every relationship must
have in order to thrive. It’s not enough for just one partner to be able to take
ownership of the things that they inadvertently do that hurt the other partner.
Both people in any relationship really must be able to take accountability.
Now, accountability requires taking ownership when we have accidentally done
something wrong, hurt someone else, or let someone down. It entails being
responsive to your partner’s needs. Responsive means that when your partner
tells you for the 17th time, “You know it really doesn’t work for me when you
yell at me like that,” in order to take accountability we have to own it and
figure out how to do it differently. We must respond to their request that we
do something differently and that we shift it. However, here is the challenge
and why more people don’t take accountability. It requires a lot of confidence
and belief in yourself as a good partner in order to take ownership.
There is nothing more frustrating than being in a
relationship with someone who refuses to take accountability for his or her
actions. In his or her mind, whatever happens is either someone else's fault or
bad luck. Almost like a toddler, the person refuses to take responsibility for
anything, no matter what. In their mind, they are the victim. They rationalize
things in any way possible to avoid taking ownership or any type of fault. In
other words, they have no ability whatsoever to say the words, "It's my
fault," "I caused this," "I take full responsibility"
or "I'm sorry." People who can't or won't take accountability lack
self-awareness, humility, maturity and courage. Taking accountability
isn't easy. It takes the courage to engage in introspection, humility and true
honesty. Accountability means taking a hard look in the mirror and owning up to
a problem you caused or contributed to. Furthermore, it means having the guts
to attempt to fix what you did, either by asking for help or applying the
discipline to change the behavior.
In playing the victim, however, one is giving away their
power and their choice. Holding yourself accountable for your actions,
especially in a relationship of any kind, is a reminder that you control your
thoughts, words, choices, behavior changes, and outcomes. It creates trust in
the relationship and shows both your maturity and willingness to be honest and
vulnerable. Accountability requires that you:
- Know who you want to be
- Know what you want out of life
- Don’t give your power away by blaming others
- Don’t waste time blaming yourself; rather own your crap and change it
- Be honest with yourself
- Recognize the reward you are getting from staying powerless and helpless when you refuse to own your crap
- Know that you always have a choice no matter what the situation
Most people take accountability for the good things they do
in life, right? It's easy to do that. If we do something kind and someone
thanks us, we say "You're welcome," which proves this. But the real
heroes in life are the people who realize their imperfections, verbalize their
regrets and learn from the mistakes. I am no hero by any means, but I do realize my imperfections, I do regret my actions, my inability to see what I was doing wrong, and the feelings it caused for my friend. I have learned a hard lesson from this mistake. I have apologized and I have asked his forgiveness. If this lesson has cost me an incredible friendship with a great person; I'll hold myself accountable for that as well. And it will sting like a motherf***er!
References
- Christy, K. (2020). Stop playing the blame game: Take responsibility in your relationship. Retrieved from https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/
- Pilossoph, J. (2015, July 8). Love essentially: Relationships hinge on accountability. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from https://www.chicagotribune.com/suburbs/evanston/ct-evr-pilossoph-affleck-garner-divorce-tl-0716-20150708-story.html
- Romzek, B. S. (2015). Living accountability: Hot rhetoric, cool theory, and uneven practice. Political Science & Politics, 48(01), 27-34. https://doi.org/10.1017/s1049096514001553
- Sasseville, A. (2017, May 4). The importance of accountability in your relationships. Retrieved from https://www.flourishcounseling.com/importance-accountability-relationships/
- Zipp, B. (2020). Two kinds of accountability: Internal and external. Retrieved from https://billzipp.com/two-kinds-of-accountability-internal-and-external/
