Be Not Afraid

February is Black History Month and on February 1^st, Google had a caricature of Harriet Tubman with her lantern on their search page.  It was not a great caricature but it got me to thinking about her many midnight journeys and how much fear she had to overcome.  Harriet Tubman not only had to overcome her own fear to free herself from slavery; she had to overcome the fears of all the other slaves she went back to get.  She returned to the South 19 times and freed over 300 slaves.  She reportedly carried a gun and told those that got tired or afraid, “You’ll be free or die.” (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4p1535.html)

What if we told ourselves something similar to that?  What if we told ourselves, “You’ll be successful or die trying” or “You’ll be happy or die trying”?  What if we were not afraid to chase our dreams of freedom from monotony and mediocrity?  What if we were not afraid to go back and pull others out of the ghettos from which we came?  What would you do if you were not afraid of failure, disappointment, or simply looking stupid?  What would your life look like if you were not afraid to step out on faith and stretch yourself to live your purpose?  What would your life look like if you were not afraid to simply do something different to get a different result?  What would you do if you were not afraid?

If I were not afraid, I would probably speak my mind more; but like most people, I am afraid that I will be disliked or may lose friends because of what I might say.  If I were not afraid, I probably would have written more than one book by now; but it has taken so long to get over the fear of publishing this first one that I have been paralyzed.  If I were not afraid, I would be practicing full-time instead of part-time and trusting that all my bills would be paid.  Those are just to name a few of the big ones.

Because I am not afraid of being hurt, I have opened my heart to love again; I understand that hurt is a risk that will not kill me.  Because I am not afraid of my feelings, I regularly go to therapy to face them and process their meaning in my life.  Because I am not afraid of being judged as a bad parent, I have come to terms with the poor decisions my daughter has made in her life, despite all the lessons I tried to teach her, and am allowing her to work through the mess she created on her own.  Because I am not afraid to be myself 99% of the time, I can look in the mirror every day, without shame, and genuinely love who I see looking back at me.

Could I have done what Harriet Tubman did?  I can’t say because I didn’t live in those times.  I would love to think that I would have had that much fortitude and strength.  Like Tubman, though, I do refuse to let another human being break my spirit and I do refuse to let fear hold me back from what I know I deserve to have in my life. 

In the Bible, God says, “Be not afraid,” 366 times – an average of once every day of the year.  That is a commandment that I believe I need to follow daily.  My challenge to you is that you do the same: Stop being afraid, start doing things you have dreamed about, and see how your life changes.

2014 Vision

Welcome to 2014!  It’s hard to believe that we are already at the end of the first month.  So, how many of you have already given up on your New Year’s resolutions? LOL.  No worries.  Nobody’s judging you.  Most people are done with them within the first 30 days.  That’s why I choose not to make New Year’s resolutions.  Instead, I decide on things I want to try or things I want to do and set small goals for myself.  I also do a vision board; so I can see my vision for the year clearly.  So, what’s in store for 2014?

Overall, what I want for 2014 is true, genuine happiness.  In order to get that, though, I must create balance in my life.  I need to balance my mind, body, and spirit to make happiness become real for me.

To work on my mind, I stay in therapy and I read books.  I like going to therapy because it helps me clear my head, bounce things off another person, and learn things about myself.  If I didn’t have my therapist, Carla, I think I might just implode because I would have nowhere to put my “stuff.”  Just like my clients, I have “stuff” to deal with too.  For example, I get anxiety every time my editor talks about my speaking tour for my book.  I’ve luckily been able to process that in therapy to figure out what is really going there and how to deal with it.

To work on my body, I have added healthy living to my vision for 2014.  Now let me explain my definition of healthy living. My definition of healthy living includes healthy eating and exercise.  In my definition of healthy eating, you don’t have to give up anything unless you want to; but you must learn to eat the bad stuff in moderation.  So, I will still have my M&M’s; I just won’t eat the whole pack.  I still allow myself a beer; but it’s light beer and it’s only one.  Pizza is on thin crust, etc, etc.  You know, things like that.  In my definition of exercise, something is better than nothing.  That’s my only goal: to do something each day.  Whether I play a game on the Wii, do Zumba, or walk the stairs instead of using the elevator, I must do something physical every day to get my heart going.  Now, is that going to make me skinny overnight? No way!  It will, however, make me healthier; and I will build up to be able to do more as I get stronger and stronger.  The bottom line is: there is no beating up on myself allowed.  I can eat what I want in moderation.  I can move my fat butt or not – my choice – but I have to suffer the consequences if I don’t.  I am tired of suffering the consequences of being unhealthy and physically unfit: feeling tired all the time, short of breath coming up the stairs, not fitting in my clothes, but most of all, not feeling good about myself and how I look and feel. 

To work on my spirit, I am trying, for the third year, to read the entire Bible in one year.  So far, I have kept up with the daily readings.  More importantly, I am enjoying my daily readings and getting to know the Word of God again.  This is an important goal for me because my spirit really needs to be fed this year.  I took some hard hits in 2013 and was skating on thin ice.  So, I need to reinforce my foundation of faith as I face this New Year.

Getting my life balanced will balance me and with balance comes happiness.  What is happiness, you ask?  What does it look like?  What does it feel like?  Well, it’s subjective.  Your happiness is how you define it for yourself.  My happiness is a hot pink heart shape.  It smells like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.  It tastes like good champagne with dark chocolate.  It sounds like a romantic whisper in my ear.  I can feel it, warm, in my chest.  It feels like a soft fuzzy blanket on my skin.  I see happiness every day in roses, puppies, babies, ocean waves, sunsets, at the beach, and in nature in general.  That’s what my happiness is to me.  It’s a tangible and reachable goal.  What’s your happiness?  Where can you find it?  How do you get it?  Then, once you get it, how do you keep it?

What is your vision for 2014?

Friends

The word friend comes from an Old English word meaning to love freely.  Merriam-Webster defines a “friend” as:

-        1. A person you like and enjoy being with

-        2. A person who helps or supports someone or something

-        3. One attached to another by affection or esteem

-        4. One that is not hostile

-        5. One that is of the same nation, party, or group

-        6. One that favors or promotes something

-        7. A favored companion

I define a friend as:

-        1. Someone who is ALWAYS there for you no matter what

-        2. A “ride or die” buddy

-        3. Someone who has your back at all costs

-        4. Someone who helps you pick up the pieces when life implodes around you

-        5. Someone with whom you can share anything and everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly

-        6. Someone who is there to help you, however he or she can, before you even ask

My definition of a friend comes from what I know I would do for a friend and what I would want a friend to do for me.  My therapist and I argued for half a session about how you define real friends and who they are in my life.  The sad truth is that in analyzing who actually meets my criteria, the list is very short.  What I came to realize is that I tend to be a much better “friend” to the people in my life than they are to me.

This sad revelation came as I was packing up my living room to move next week.  After working two jobs and being up since 4AM, I was in my living room all alone with no one to help me pack.  I hate moving as much as most people do; but I have helped people pack and move several times.  I just grit my teeth and get in there and do what I can.  Yet, when it comes time for me to move, there is no one to be found.  To their credit, I actually have some “friends” that were honest and just told me, point blank, “Don’t ask me to help you move because I’m not going to do it.”  Other “friends,” who always give lip service to “Anything you need, you know I am there for you,” are nowhere to be found either.  So, after I got my living room packed, I started to think.

I started to think about whether my friends are really my friends.  By Webster’s definition, I would say, “Yes.”  I enjoy being with them and I feel like we are attached by affection.  They are not hostile and I would consider most of them “a favored companion.”  By my definition, though, I am not sure that all my “friends” are truly “friends.”  It may be time to put a few of them in the “acquaintance” category.

As I sat amongst my boxes, I started thinking about other situations in which I may have needed help.  It is not easy for me to ask for help; but, I have learned how to do it.  Unfortunately, as I thought about more and more situations, I realized that I had gone through the storm pretty much by myself – with no one on whom to lean for whatever reason. 

Most of my “friends” are my age or older, only a few are in their 30s.  We ALL work and we are ALL driven.  Some have kids, some do not.  Some are married, some are not.  Seemingly, however, when I am in need, everyone is too busy to help.  Yet, whenever one of my “friends” needs help, I find the time or make the time to help them out.  I will schedule something on my off day.  I will reschedule clients if it’s something urgent or serious.  I will give the last dime that I can afford to give.  I will block time off my schedule to be there for a future event or need.  But, when it’s my turn, the effort is not nearly reciprocated.  That revelation wounded my heart.

So, my therapist believes that I should scrap everyone on the list who doesn’t meet my definition of “friend” – no matter how long they have been in my life.  She believes I should start fresh and make all new “friends.”  I don’t agree.  I believe you have to accept to people where they are and believe them when they show you who they are.  I think what I will have to do is start categorizing my “friends” into sub-groups, such as:

-        1. Those that are strictly acquaintances

-        2. Those that will always be there to talk ONLY

-        3. Those that I can call up for a spontaneous road trip

-       4.  Those that will actually be PRESENT to help me with whatever I need

-        5. Those that I can truly call FRIEND who will meet my needs the same way I will meet theirs

Then, I will have to learn to set boundaries with those that do not warrant all my time and effort.  I understand that going out of my way is my choice.  So, with someone that I know will never reciprocate that level of “friendship,” I will just have to start holding back.  That way my love tank doesn’t run empty – leaving nothing for my or those on whom I can depend.  That will take some self-evaluation and self-exploration on my part as well as some difficult decisions because I am naturally a “helper.”  Not giving my all is like trying to hold back the tide. LOL.  

I give myself permission, however, to set the necessary boundaries to take care of my heart and my needs.  I give myself permission to expect that the same level of friendship I give will be reciprocated to me.  I give myself permission to say, “No,” when I need to say it and to not feel guilty about it.  I applaud myself for being a good friend and I am grateful for the “friends” and acquaintances that I do have.

So, as always, I leave you with a challenge.  Take a good hard look at your “friends” and decide for yourself if you need to do some “housekeeping” in that department.  Is it time for you to re-categorize the people in your life?  Is it time to get rid of some dead weight?  Is it time to let some new people in?  Are you overlooking anyone in your life that could be a good friend if you would let them?  Just some things to think about.

When Your Spirit Is Broken

Have you ever hit a wall in life where nothing seems to go right?  Do you ever feel like you are drowning in chaos and dissension?  Have you ever asked God, “Why?”  Have you ever felt like you could not handle one more thing and then one more thing happened?  These are what I call “Job moments” or “Job seasons” depending on how long they last.  Unlike Job, though, we don’t all make it through the test with flying colors.  

Sometimes, we cry out and God says, “No.”  Sometimes, we cry out and God is silent.  Our faith is tested to its limits and strained severely.  Although we say things like, “God doesn’t put more on us than we can bear,” I beg to differ.  I believe God does put more on us than we can bear because if we could handle it all, we might not call on Him.  I also believe there are times when there is so much on us at one time that our spirits may break.  We may get angry, curse God, scream, yell, and act out in many different ways.  We may give God ultimatums or we may simply shut down completely.

There are some agnostics that would argue that all Christians do is SUFFER.  I’ve heard Christianity described as a battle of wills to see who can suffer the most and remain faithful.  Well, that is not a form of spirituality that I would readily embrace.  How about you?  People who survive tremendous suffering, however, are often labeled as “strong.”  We hear things about them like, “blessed” and “highly favored.”  Many of us say we want to have a faith like those survivors, or worse, we ask for “the patience of Job.”  Remember what Job had to go through to learn that patience.  What happens if you don’t have Job’s patience or faith?  What happens if you get tired of being strong?  What happens when you feel like you have nothing left, God still has not shown up, and you feel like you are all alone?

I don’t know about you but I get pissed!  I get angry with God.  I question Him as to why he didn’t show up.  I give Him ultimatums.  I cuss.  I fuss.  I cry.  I scream.  I rant.  I rave.  I show out until I wear myself out.  I am in a Job season right now where everything that can go wrong, seems to be going wrong.  Around every corner, there seems to be yet another problem that I cannot fix; and despite my faith, God has not intervened – at least not where I can see.  I even asked Him why he saved me from my last suicide attempt, 20+ years ago; only to have to face this even harder journey I am on right now.  I am tired of treading water and would like to get in the boat and rest for a while.  Have you ever felt that way?

Tamela Mann sings a song called, “Take Me to the King” that speaks volumes about this journey of the broken spirit.  In her song, she says:

Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are You?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?

Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fight
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch will change my life

Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King

Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King

After you’ve done all you can, and you can no longer “just stand,” perhaps all you can do is to lay at the throne – battered and beaten and waiting for healing.  Perhaps you don’t have to say a word because God knows your heart.  

What intrigues me about Tamela Mann’s song, though, is that she asks to be taken to the throne.  That means she needs help to get there.  She is too tired and weak on her own to even get the healing she needs.  This is where our friends, prayer partners, prayer groups, and prayer warriors come in to stand in the gap for us.  When we have nothing left, we must ask for the prayers and strength of others who can pray for us, over us, and with us.  Do not be ashamed to say, “I am broken” or “I’ve given up” or “I have nothing left.”  You see, God does give us more than we can bear ALONE.  Sometimes, He is the only place from where our help can come.  

Pete Wilson, in his book, Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?, challenges believers in a couple of ways.  Pete said, “I've discovered that sometimes God wants us to live inside of the questions. Sometimes he wants us to linger in the waiting, hoping, praying. In fact, sometimes it's right in the middle of our darkness in the middle of our crisis, in the middle of our Plan B struggles that God speaks most clearly.”  He also acknowledges one his greatest fears by saying, “My greatest fear for my life and yours is that we'll just get busy and distracted and settle for a mediocre, unexamined life. It's that we'll just settle into life as usual and never become the person God intended for us to be.”

I have read this book several times.  In the midst of my own treacherous Job season, Pete’s words have once again challenged me, though.  So, I will leave you with this challenge from Pete Wilson’s book.  And I ask, “is this where I have fallen short again,” “is this my truth,” “is this your truth?”

You may be at odds with God right now. You're not happy with the way your life is turning out. You may be praying and pleading with God. But is it possible you don't really want God? Is it possible you just want what you think God can give you? One of the things I believe God is teaching me in my life these days is that at times we want our dreams more than we want God. We want what God does for us instead of just God.