Dating Diluted to Nothingness

Dating today has been diluted to the point of nothingness. Dating used to be something special. Dating used to be fun. Dating used to mean hours and hours on the phone, laughing until you cried, and going out for a meal or activity that required you to sit upright and stay clothed. Dating used to include feelings of giddiness and “butterflies in your stomach.” Dating used to genuinely lead somewhere. Dating started as purely platonic; progressed to holding hands; built up to the first kiss; and at some point, way down the line, it might, or might not, involves sex.

Today, you are lucky to even hear a person’s voice before you are asked out - not for a date - but to “hook up.” Flowers are rarely presented anymore. Phone calls can be few and far between; and when they do happen, don’t be surprised if you get asked a sexual question within the first 10 minutes of the conversation. “Relationships” executed via text messaging, sadly, are today’s norm. A lot of people, admittedly, do not even seek emotional connection. For many people, most of the time spent with “a person in whom they are interested” is spent horizontally with the lights out. Believe it or not, being good in bed, giving good head, or eating pussy well have now become prerequisites for even being taken out to dinner.

No lie. I had a guy explain his dating rules to me, in all seriousness, as follows: “We need to have sex first; so, I’ll know if it’s even worth me spending $50 on you to take you out to dinner. If the sex isn’t good then I don’t need to waste my money.” When I started laughing out loud, he was offended. So, I said, “oh, you were serious.” To which he responded, “Hell yes! That’s what’s wrong with women today, especially black women. Y’all want a man to wind you and dine you and spend all this money; then, you may not even give up the pussy. If we do get lucky enough to hit it, it may not even be good. Then we’ve spent all that money for nothing.” To this idiot, getting to know me - a fabulous woman - wasn’t even worth a cheap $50 dinner; but, my ability to bring him to orgasm and be an acquiescent “cum dumpster” was worth, at least, a cheap $50 dinner and maybe a little more. Newsflash jackass: I am worth a hell of a lot more than a cheap $50 dinner whether I screw you or not. I AM WORTHY BECAUSE I EXIST.

I even asked a friend of mine, whom I do not consider to be a shallow idiot, if this mentality made sense and if he had heard of this new “dating rule.” To my shock and horror, he responded, “Oh yeah, that makes total sense. Why should I have to pay to get to know you? I might take a woman out for coffee; but I’m certainly not buying an expensive dinner. Hell, you can come to my house, for free, for me to get to know you.” I was utterly disgusted. And to top it off, if a woman has the audacity to respect herself enough to say “no” to sex right away, she should be prepared to get cursed out.

The fact that this mentality has thrived enough to become the disappointing norm says that there are people out there who have complied with this new “dating rule” and are okay with the complete dilution of dating. And if swiping left or swiping right and hooking up is all you want to do, that’s cool. I am not judging anyone who enjoys that lifestyle. It’s just not for me. I just wish people would be honest, on these dating sites and apps, about what they really want. Let people make an honest, informed decision about whether to invite you into their life. Why not post “looking for a fuck buddy” instead of “looking for a relationship” if you are just looking to hook up? If there is no shame in your game, stand on your truth and put it out there. There will still be people interested - maybe not as many - but they will be willing nonetheless. And at the end of the day, no one’s feelings get hurt and no one’s heart gets broken because you both knew you wanted nothing but sex from the beginning.

If you have a soft, or genuine, heart, are empathic, or have a caring, nurturing personality, be very careful when perusing dating sites and apps. People lie. There are exceptions to every rule. I know two or three couples who have met on a dating site or app, gotten married, and lived happily ever after. Most of them, however, are white. Once, when I was on match.com, I entered my search criteria preferences and I got 12 matches back out of the whole match.com database. Eleven were white and one was black; but none of the white men were interested in dating black women. My search criteria included:

•        Age: 45 to 55
•        Body Type: athletic, average, or a few extra pounds
•        Drinking: social drinker
•        Education: college or graduate degree
•        Height: 5’6” to 6’3”
•        Marital Status: divorced, widowed, or single
•        Race: Black, White, Hispanic, or Pacific Islander
•        Religion: Christian, Catholic, or spiritual
•        Smoking: non-smoking

If none of this seems plausible, check out some of the documentaries on Netflix. The second episode, in Season One of Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On, is titled “Love Me Tinder.” The episode is about a 40-year-old former reality TV star who hooks up with droves of 20-something women he meets on dating apps and “ghosts” them when he loses interest. He has some interesting revelations towards the end of the episode. It is certainly representative, though, of how nonchalant people have become about keeping even the smallest promise like: "I'll call you later." There is also a documentary, on Netflix, titled My Sex Robot that discusses the "fembot" rage as it probes what's possible as two inventors compete to build the world's sex robot - a woman who cannot feel, protest, connect, or leave. Yet, some people in society want to call this, too, a "relationship."

What do we do? Where do we go from here? It would be unrealistic to think dating sites, and dating apps, will go away. There are too many various kinds of sites out there. We seem to be too busy to go out and meet people. Plus, the Internet opens the dating pool worldwide. It’s been a good thing for some. It’s been not so good for others. No dating site, or app, can regulate the truth versus “alternate facts.” No dating site, or app, can keep sociopaths, narcissists, or other life-draining leeches from taking advantage of, using, and/or abusing, the naïve, kindhearted, and/or desperate. I suppose we will just have to wait for the times to come full circle again; to bring us back to a place of mutual respect and appreciation for genuine connection.

Parenting

I visited my brother, Robert, and sister-in-law, Beth, this weekend in California; and as always, was amazed by how wonderful they are as parents. They have 3 biological children and adopted my granddaughter, their grandniece, as a fourth without hesitation. So, they have 4 children – ages 10, 8, 6, and 3. My brother works outside the home as a project manager and my sister-in-law is a stay-at-home mom who does it all. They are the busiest little crew I have ever seen. My nieces and nephews are home-schooled, play several different sports, play piano, participate in academic competitions, and the three oldest were just baptized today.

I don’t know how they do it! They really ENJOY being parents!! I have asked Beth to write a book, repeatedly, and she just laughs me off – as though she is not doing anything special. Well, I beg to differ. Parenting takes more than a lot of people may realize. I know I didn’t have the full picture when I became a parent. And I am one of the few people who will admit that, despite the incredible love I have for my daughter, I didn’t enjoy my parenting experience and would not choose to do it again. I pulled my hair out with ONE child. Robert and Beth very rarely raise their voices with FOUR!

Being a parent means you have accepted responsibility for the life of an innocent child who will not survive without you. And that responsibility requires a lot more than simply food, clothes, and shelter. Beyond those basic needs, a baby needs to be touched, held, and interacted with. Babies need to be nurtured, protected, and taught every day that they breathe air. Children need structure and discipline – rules and consequences. Then there is 12 years of helping with homework. Parenting requires that you give guidance and advice so your children can survive on their own in adulthood.

Babies grow into adults. What type of adult they become depends quite heavily on how they are parented. As I say in my book, Soul Graffiti: What If Your Mother or Father Was Wrong?, children come to us with their souls as clean slates. What we write on their souls can be good or bad – either way, it will stick because when an opinion comes from our parents, it is perceived as truth. I’ve seen what happens when crap gets written on those tiny innocent souls. I see those broken adults sitting on the couch in my office still hurting, still longing for a parent-child relationship, still questioning their worth, still doubting their abilities, still wanting to be loved, still needing validation – stuck in their mid-life, depressed and unfulfilled, because they never got a solid life foundation from their parents that said, “You are good enough and you are lovable just the way you are.”

So, I watch Robert and Beth do the things that ADD to a child, not take away. I watch them do family Bible Study. I watch them live and teach by example. I watch them enforce discipline that teaches a lesson without breaking the spirit. I watch them read to their children. I watch them listen to their children read to them. I watch them limit the TV and electronic time instead of allowing gadgets to entertain, and babysit, their children. I watch them, not just dry their children’s tears, but seek a genuine understanding of why their children are crying. I watch them teach etiquette and respect. I watch them shower their children with verbal affirmation and physical affection. I watch them make healthy meals and eat together as a family. I watch them enforce a healthy bedtime and, actually, tuck their children in at night. I watch them play wholesome games with their children. I watch them exercise with their children. I watch them encourage their children to think and make the right decision in life situations. I watch them teach their children the importance of family and the importance of loving one another as siblings. I watch Robert and Beth remember to be affectionate and loving towards each other so their children will know what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. I watch them sacrifice their time, energy, and money to make sure that they provide the best lives for their children. I watch them pray with, and over, their children. Most importantly, though, I watch Robert and Beth, not just teach their children about Christianity, but support their children in having a personal relationship with, and knowing, God for themselves.

Today, I watched my brother baptize his three oldest children and I could not hold back the tears. I was so proud of him, as a father, in that moment. The love he felt for his children was easily evident in the air and in the baptismal pool. Beth’s face and eyes were full of love, too, as she looked on. Hearing my nephews and niece proclaim God as their Lord and Savior warmed my heart. Knowing that they really know God, and want God to lead their lives [like their father and mother], brought me peace and comfort. I know, no matter what happens in their lives, God will never fail them. He has kept His arms around my daughter, even as she made some of the worst decisions of her life, and brought her back to Him. And He will keep His arms around Robert, Beth, Joshua, Johanna, Caleb, and Zayda because, in their home, they serve the Lord.

Thy Will Be Done

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. (Hebrews 11:1 MSG)

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…

Having faith in God’s will is easier said than done at times. We say it, and pray it, as though it is an easy thing to do, however. God’s will and purpose for our lives is not always what we see for ourselves. His vision for our life is often much bigger than what we could ever even imagine. I have seen God’s vision for my life and it scares the hell out of me!

Glory belongs to God, whose power, is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20 GW)

I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give to you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG)

What a lot of people don’t know about me is that I am truly an introvert. I have consistently tested out as an introvert on every personality test I have ever taken – and I have probably taken close to 20 different tests as part of my doctoral program and post-doctoral research. People think I am an extrovert because I am constantly interacting with people. The truth is that is exhausting for me. Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you cannot be extroverted. It simply means that you gain energy from time alone; and therefore, being extroverted takes a lot of energy. I much prefer to be in the background rather than the center of attention.

Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Christ Jesus that you do this. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 GW)

Don’t become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think. Then you will always be able to determine what God really wants – what is good, pleasing, and perfect. (Romans 12:2 GW)

So, when God’s vision for my life includes facilitating huge workshops, book signings, interviews, and other things that put me “out there” as a leader in my career field, I get very anxious. One would think that my anxiety stems from a fear of failure. It is actually the exact opposite. My anxiety stems from a fear of success because of the huge responsibility I feel comes with that success.

Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more. (Luke 12:48 ESV)

So if you find life difficult because you’re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust Him. He knows what He’s doing, and He’ll keep on doing it. (1Peter 4:19 MSG)

God has given me an incredible gift of discernment. He has also walked with me, or maybe carried me, through several life experiences that sent me to the depths of Hell so that I could understand people’s most painful journeys from personal experience – not just textbooks and research. When God called me to be a therapist, I believe He entrusted me with my clients’ hearts and spirits.  And to me, that is a huge responsibility which I take very seriously. But God has expanded my territory beyond the walls of my practice and my clients. I have gotten feedback from my book, Soul Graffiti: What If Your Mother (or Father) Was Wrong?, like:
• Your book changed my life.
• I cried all the way through your book because I felt like someone finally understood my pain.
• Your book made me want to be a better parent.
• Your book gave me hope and helped me to heal.

After God saved me from my last suicide attempt, I knew He had a tremendous purpose for my life. I knew I was supposed to walk life’s hardest journeys with people because I knew how daunting it was to battle depression alone. So, I became a therapist to answer my calling. Then, God told me to go into private practice. And I told God He had the wrong number. LOL. I disobeyed His instructions for three years before, begrudgingly, “giving in.”

Why do you call me Lord but don’t do what I tell you? (Luke 6:46 GW)

But He’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair  and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don’t take yourself too seriously – take God seriously. (Micah 6:8 MSG)

I laugh when I look back on July 2010. I called myself “challenging” God; saying:
    Fine! Since You insist on me opening this private practice, I will do it. But, You watch; it’s going        to fail! I don’t have the money to start a private practice. I haven’t been licensed long enough to get on any insurance panels. It takes time build a clientele.
You get the picture. So, long story short, I opened my private practice 60 days later with no debt, two weeks worth of clients, and being on every major insurance panel for which I applied. To this day, I cannot tell you where the money came from to pay for all the furniture, office equipment and supplies, deposits, and rent. I know God intervened with the insurance panels because you are supposed to be fully licensed for 2 years before you can get on the panels – I had only been fully licensed for 2 months.

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail. (Proverbs 19:21 NLT)

Point out the road I must travel; I’m all ears, all eyes before you. Teach me how to live to please You, because You’re my God. (Psalms 143:8, 10 MSG)

For the past 6 years, God has continued to grow my practice by leaps and bounds. But, I was only doing it part-time so I could keep my day job for the security of a steady paycheck and health insurance. In July, against my better judgement, I accepted a promotion at my full-time job and had to cut back on my appointment slots. Yet, the referrals kept coming steadily. I was getting so many referrals that I had a waiting list. Now, while some might think that’s a good thing, it made my heart sad. I felt like I was failing God because I was not doing what He called me to do. I was not fulfilling my purpose. Every day, I would pray for God to either stop sending referrals or make a way for me to see all the clients He was sending my way. On February 3rd, He made it very clear that it was tine to move on.

For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. (1Peter 2:15 NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)

I thought I would be freaking out about leaving my full-time job, after 16 years to run my practice full-time. I thought I would be in a chronic state of panic trying to figure out how to survive without a steady paycheck. I thought it would take so long to build up my clientele that I might end up homeless. For the first week, I thought maybe I was in shock because I was not panicking and I was not afraid. Maybe it would hit me in the second week, I thought. But in week two, I actually felt better, stronger, and more confident that everything would be okay. So, week three would have to be the breakdown, right? At some point, I thought, I had to be overcome with fear and doubt. So, week three came; no fear followed.  And going into week 4, in addition to another fully booked week of clients, I have confirmed two equine therapy workshops for veterans in Idaho & Ohio, AND I am preparing to negotiate a contract with a large company to facilitate corporate coaching with their executive and senior leadership following a very difficult merger.

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:27-28 ESV)

I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27 NLT)

I know this is only the beginning of this chapter in my life. I will have challenges to face and my faith will be tested. God may even go silent at times; but, I have learned that the teacher is always silent during a test. God has never turned His back on me and I know He has not brought me this far to leave me now. God has kept His promises to me even when I was outside of His will and He has not missed a beat since I stepped out Omni faith and submitted to His will for my life.

I take joy in doing Your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart. (Psalms 40:8 NLT)

Now may the God of peace – who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with His blood – may He equip you with all you need for doing His will. May He produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to Him. All glory to Him forever and ever! Amen. (Hebrews 13:20-21 NLT)

Focus in 2017

Thank you, God, for another year. As always, the past year has had its ups and downs. But, here I am; blessed to be above ground facing this new year - 2017.

Not having a vision for last year was awesome! There was no pressure to achieve. I simply practiced the art of being. I accepted what life sent my way. I spent a lot of time alone. I saw the true colors of some so-called "friends," who have now been relegated to the "acquaintance" category; and gained some deeper friendships. I feel like I had better balance. I did go golfing more often. I did several EAP workshops with Hershey which is just as good as, if not better than, a pleasure ride. I got plenty of massages. I tried about 20 different champagnes to figure out what I really like. I fell for a guy. I did not learn my lesson about giving, however. I still gave too much of myself at times, but not as often as I usually would have. Most importantly, I took it all in stride. There were some intense hiccups along the way but nothing that broke me completely - meltdown, yes, complete breakdown, no. LOL.

So, I am taking the same overall philosophy into 2017. No concrete vision; but rather a central focus. This year, my focus is on SUCCESS. Success in my private practice. Success in maintaining personal balance. Success in creating and maintainimg a reciprocal intimate relationship. Success with my writing (3 more books to write). Success in building a new bi-coastal business with my friend, Lynn, in California. Success in creating a realistic, healthy lifestyle - eating better and exercising some. Success in personal growth. Success in establishing the non-profit arm of my practice so I can continue my work with veterans. Success in continuing to define and believe in my own "good enough." Success in creating true, sustainable happiness. Success in deepening my relationship with Christ. Success in limiting my generosity. In other words, success in creating my legacy.

What is the legacy you want to leave? Are you on the path to creating that? If not, how long are you going to wait to get started? What if someday is today? Why not make 2017 your year to either determine what you want your legacy to be, start taking the first steps towards creating the legacy you've already defined, make sure you are still on track with the legacy on which you've been focusing, or redefining your legacy altogether? In the grand scheme of things, that's what we're really doing - not just living from year to year but building a legacy.

So, this year, 2017, I wish all my readers happiness and success - neither of which is finite or concrete. You define your own happiness and you define what success means to you. Success to me is not solely accomplishing the entire goal but staying focused, being consistent, and making measurable strides towards the end result. Success is making a conscious effort to do more than nothing. Success is finding reasons to do something rather than all the reasons not to do it. Success is making no excuses.  I believe true happiness will come, not when I have accomplished all the things I want to accomplish; but, rather seeing that I have made consistent and intentional efforts towards making my dreams come true. True happiness is believing in myself rather than doubting myself as I start new ventures. True happiness is being in alignment with God's purpose for my life, listening to His guidance, and following His direction. My life is always more peaceful when I am spiritually aligned.

I challenge you to work on your legacy, focus on yourself more, take life in stride, get aligned and balanced, and to define and create happiness and success in your life this year.