Dating Diluted to Nothingness

Dating today has been diluted to the point of nothingness. Dating used to be something special. Dating used to be fun. Dating used to mean hours and hours on the phone, laughing until you cried, and going out for a meal or activity that required you to sit upright and stay clothed. Dating used to include feelings of giddiness and “butterflies in your stomach.” Dating used to genuinely lead somewhere. Dating started as purely platonic; progressed to holding hands; built up to the first kiss; and at some point, way down the line, it might, or might not, involves sex.

Today, you are lucky to even hear a person’s voice before you are asked out - not for a date - but to “hook up.” Flowers are rarely presented anymore. Phone calls can be few and far between; and when they do happen, don’t be surprised if you get asked a sexual question within the first 10 minutes of the conversation. “Relationships” executed via text messaging, sadly, are today’s norm. A lot of people, admittedly, do not even seek emotional connection. For many people, most of the time spent with “a person in whom they are interested” is spent horizontally with the lights out. Believe it or not, being good in bed, giving good head, or eating pussy well have now become prerequisites for even being taken out to dinner.

No lie. I had a guy explain his dating rules to me, in all seriousness, as follows: “We need to have sex first; so, I’ll know if it’s even worth me spending $50 on you to take you out to dinner. If the sex isn’t good then I don’t need to waste my money.” When I started laughing out loud, he was offended. So, I said, “oh, you were serious.” To which he responded, “Hell yes! That’s what’s wrong with women today, especially black women. Y’all want a man to wind you and dine you and spend all this money; then, you may not even give up the pussy. If we do get lucky enough to hit it, it may not even be good. Then we’ve spent all that money for nothing.” To this idiot, getting to know me - a fabulous woman - wasn’t even worth a cheap $50 dinner; but, my ability to bring him to orgasm and be an acquiescent “cum dumpster” was worth, at least, a cheap $50 dinner and maybe a little more. Newsflash jackass: I am worth a hell of a lot more than a cheap $50 dinner whether I screw you or not. I AM WORTHY BECAUSE I EXIST.

I even asked a friend of mine, whom I do not consider to be a shallow idiot, if this mentality made sense and if he had heard of this new “dating rule.” To my shock and horror, he responded, “Oh yeah, that makes total sense. Why should I have to pay to get to know you? I might take a woman out for coffee; but I’m certainly not buying an expensive dinner. Hell, you can come to my house, for free, for me to get to know you.” I was utterly disgusted. And to top it off, if a woman has the audacity to respect herself enough to say “no” to sex right away, she should be prepared to get cursed out.

The fact that this mentality has thrived enough to become the disappointing norm says that there are people out there who have complied with this new “dating rule” and are okay with the complete dilution of dating. And if swiping left or swiping right and hooking up is all you want to do, that’s cool. I am not judging anyone who enjoys that lifestyle. It’s just not for me. I just wish people would be honest, on these dating sites and apps, about what they really want. Let people make an honest, informed decision about whether to invite you into their life. Why not post “looking for a fuck buddy” instead of “looking for a relationship” if you are just looking to hook up? If there is no shame in your game, stand on your truth and put it out there. There will still be people interested - maybe not as many - but they will be willing nonetheless. And at the end of the day, no one’s feelings get hurt and no one’s heart gets broken because you both knew you wanted nothing but sex from the beginning.

If you have a soft, or genuine, heart, are empathic, or have a caring, nurturing personality, be very careful when perusing dating sites and apps. People lie. There are exceptions to every rule. I know two or three couples who have met on a dating site or app, gotten married, and lived happily ever after. Most of them, however, are white. Once, when I was on match.com, I entered my search criteria preferences and I got 12 matches back out of the whole match.com database. Eleven were white and one was black; but none of the white men were interested in dating black women. My search criteria included:

•        Age: 45 to 55
•        Body Type: athletic, average, or a few extra pounds
•        Drinking: social drinker
•        Education: college or graduate degree
•        Height: 5’6” to 6’3”
•        Marital Status: divorced, widowed, or single
•        Race: Black, White, Hispanic, or Pacific Islander
•        Religion: Christian, Catholic, or spiritual
•        Smoking: non-smoking

If none of this seems plausible, check out some of the documentaries on Netflix. The second episode, in Season One of Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On, is titled “Love Me Tinder.” The episode is about a 40-year-old former reality TV star who hooks up with droves of 20-something women he meets on dating apps and “ghosts” them when he loses interest. He has some interesting revelations towards the end of the episode. It is certainly representative, though, of how nonchalant people have become about keeping even the smallest promise like: "I'll call you later." There is also a documentary, on Netflix, titled My Sex Robot that discusses the "fembot" rage as it probes what's possible as two inventors compete to build the world's sex robot - a woman who cannot feel, protest, connect, or leave. Yet, some people in society want to call this, too, a "relationship."

What do we do? Where do we go from here? It would be unrealistic to think dating sites, and dating apps, will go away. There are too many various kinds of sites out there. We seem to be too busy to go out and meet people. Plus, the Internet opens the dating pool worldwide. It’s been a good thing for some. It’s been not so good for others. No dating site, or app, can regulate the truth versus “alternate facts.” No dating site, or app, can keep sociopaths, narcissists, or other life-draining leeches from taking advantage of, using, and/or abusing, the naïve, kindhearted, and/or desperate. I suppose we will just have to wait for the times to come full circle again; to bring us back to a place of mutual respect and appreciation for genuine connection.