Why Is It So Hard to Say, "I'm Sorry"

“I’m sorry.”  Two very simple words.  Yet, many of us choke on them as we try to say them.  Why is it so hard to say, “I’m sorry?”  Is it because we are admitting fault?  Is it because we feel weak?  Is it because we feel stupid? 

My boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding.  I blamed him and he blamed me.  In the end, I saw his point, and knew that I owed him an apology.  However, I continued to talk about what he did and did not do as well – as though he owed me an apology too.  And he asked me, “ Why can’t you just say ‘I’m sorry’ and be done with it?” 

So, why couldn’t I?  I can only tell you what was going through my head and heart as this discussion played out.  I was thinking to myself: “ What an idiot you were,” “Uh oh, you’ve done it now,” “You really screwed this up,” “ Why couldn’t you have been more patient,” “ Why didn’t you explain yourself better,” and the list goes on. In my heart, I felt pain, shame, fear, and disappointment [in myself]. 

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my boyfriend. I love him. Why would I want to hurt him? But that's exactly what I did through both my actions & my words. So, I could either keep going down the path of destruction I was on or I could humble myself and apologize. I chose to say, "I'm sorry" and to take ownership of what I had done. I chose to hold myself accountable for how I had let my boyfriend down and admit how I could've handled things differently.

Those two words made all the difference. The argument was immediately over and the pain and tension of the moment dissipated. It felt like I could breathe again. And I actually felt good about myself for being woman enough to admit I had behaved badly and that I had hurt the one I love. 

In the end he said he was sorry too because we don't ever want to feel disconnected or angry with each other. We're supposed to love and care for one another. So, in his words, "all is forgiven and all is well." And that does my heart good. In addition, it strengthens our relationship knowing that we are willing to apologize instead of letting a misunderstanding break us apart. We are worth that much to each other.

Next time you find yourself choking on the words "I'm sorry" stop and ask yourself why. Then ask yourself if it's worth it not to say "I'm sorry." I bet you'll lose more if you don't.

The One That Got Away

Recently, I was contacted by a guy I dated twenty years ago. It was quite unexpected to say the least. He and I were very much in love and had actually talked about marriage. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t end up in a blissful marriage, however. It ended with two hearts being broken and years of wondering “what if.” 

We had a great relationship full of fun and laughter and endless conversations. We never had a disagreement of any sort. We dated for four years and then…. 

I chose someone else. I chose someone who had the “look” I liked. He had muscles and worked out all the time. He and I had endless conversations and lots of laughter as well. But, he was not Felix. I never fell in love with him the way I had with Felix. However, we ended up having a child together and then breaking up. Certainly not the way I saw things happening. I could have married Felix, had children, and lived happily ever after – I believe that. I made the wrong choice.

My heart hurt for Felix but I never told him. I was too angry with myself and felt like I had gotten what I deserved. Once again, the good guy had finished last. And it was my fault. I went for the superficial instead of what was inside. Now, Felix was not ugly by any stretch of the imagination but he wasn’t a real muscular guy and that’s what I wanted – or so I thought. 

Felix had a heart of gold and always treated me with respect and love. He would give me the shirt off his back if I asked. He never wanted to change anything about me. He genuinely loved me for me just as I was. And I loved him too. I tried to show him all the time even though we were miles apart. He would come to visit me every few days from where he lived and that was no small feat. He sacrificed for me and I hurt him deeply. I truly regret that because he didn’t deserve that.

I didn’t realize how deeply I had hurt him until he called me recently. We had a long talk about what we had and what we felt we lost in losing each other. Little did I know he had been thinking of me all these years. In fact, I thought he hated me after what I did. When he called, however, he informed me that he had never stopped loving me. He said I was “the one who got away.” 

Now, twenty years later, we are both divorced and dating other people. We are different people twenty years later with different life experiences. Of course the question floating in the wind is again “what if.” What if we had stayed together? We would probably have been happily married for twenty years now. What if we were both single now? Could we try again? Would things be the same? Those are questions that may never get answered because we are not single and would never stand in the way of each other’s happiness. But, it’s nice to know that we never stopped loving each other and that we never stopped thinking about each other. It’s a confirmation that what we had was real. 

As the saying goes, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” I lost a good man twenty years ago. I cannot unring that bell. I have gained a friend twenty years later, though, and I am grateful for that.