The One That Got Away

Recently, I was contacted by a guy I dated twenty years ago. It was quite unexpected to say the least. He and I were very much in love and had actually talked about marriage. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t end up in a blissful marriage, however. It ended with two hearts being broken and years of wondering “what if.” 

We had a great relationship full of fun and laughter and endless conversations. We never had a disagreement of any sort. We dated for four years and then…. 

I chose someone else. I chose someone who had the “look” I liked. He had muscles and worked out all the time. He and I had endless conversations and lots of laughter as well. But, he was not Felix. I never fell in love with him the way I had with Felix. However, we ended up having a child together and then breaking up. Certainly not the way I saw things happening. I could have married Felix, had children, and lived happily ever after – I believe that. I made the wrong choice.

My heart hurt for Felix but I never told him. I was too angry with myself and felt like I had gotten what I deserved. Once again, the good guy had finished last. And it was my fault. I went for the superficial instead of what was inside. Now, Felix was not ugly by any stretch of the imagination but he wasn’t a real muscular guy and that’s what I wanted – or so I thought. 

Felix had a heart of gold and always treated me with respect and love. He would give me the shirt off his back if I asked. He never wanted to change anything about me. He genuinely loved me for me just as I was. And I loved him too. I tried to show him all the time even though we were miles apart. He would come to visit me every few days from where he lived and that was no small feat. He sacrificed for me and I hurt him deeply. I truly regret that because he didn’t deserve that.

I didn’t realize how deeply I had hurt him until he called me recently. We had a long talk about what we had and what we felt we lost in losing each other. Little did I know he had been thinking of me all these years. In fact, I thought he hated me after what I did. When he called, however, he informed me that he had never stopped loving me. He said I was “the one who got away.” 

Now, twenty years later, we are both divorced and dating other people. We are different people twenty years later with different life experiences. Of course the question floating in the wind is again “what if.” What if we had stayed together? We would probably have been happily married for twenty years now. What if we were both single now? Could we try again? Would things be the same? Those are questions that may never get answered because we are not single and would never stand in the way of each other’s happiness. But, it’s nice to know that we never stopped loving each other and that we never stopped thinking about each other. It’s a confirmation that what we had was real. 

As the saying goes, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” I lost a good man twenty years ago. I cannot unring that bell. I have gained a friend twenty years later, though, and I am grateful for that.