To Believe or Not to Believe

This is not a religious argument. Let me say that first. This post is more about life in general. For example, I saw a quote that read, “There’s a man out there searching for everything you’re giving to a man who isn’t man enough to appreciate it.” Believe or not believe? Not believe. There is a cliché that goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Believe or not believe? Not believe. My aunt always taught me, “We always have choices in life.” Believe or not believe? Believe.

Society and religion would have us believe in “shoulds” - where we should be in our lives at our respective ages or what we should be doing or feeling. Whereas, the universe shows us, thereby making us believe in, what the reality is. For example, society would have us believe that we should not have sex on the first date. Believe or not believe? Not believe; although I personally agree, I believe people need to do whatever works for them. Religion would have us believe that all our prayers will be answered and life will, ultimately, be all good. Believe or not believe? Not believe. The God I serve often says “No” to my prayers; and sometimes is completely silent and doesn’t answer either way. In addition, my life experience has been one of constant struggle; so, I do not believe that, ultimately, it will be all good.

So, I have begun to take a deep, introspective look at myself and my life and have asked myself, “What do I believe and not believe based on my own experience?” Beyond my fundamental belief that “tomorrow is not promised,” I believe:

•        There is a Higher Power ultimately in control of my life plan; however, He gives me freedom of choice.
•      I am probably too much to handle for most men; so I will probably be single for the rest of my life.
•        True happiness is more than just being content with life as it is; being content, however, may be as good as it gets for some people.
•        Intimate relationships take a hell of a lot more than just love.
•        It takes tremendous courage to open yourself up to love again after you’ve been hurt, especially if you’ve been hurt repeatedly.
•        People who are angry all the time CHOOSE to be that way and they drain the life out of themselves and everyone around them.
•        We should implement mandatory sterilization or require licensure for parenting.
•        I am absolutely fulfilling my calling in life.
•        Most people hide their true authentic self out of fear of being judged, disliked, or rejected.
•        Little things go a long way in both friendships and intimate relationships.

I do not believe:

•        People truly appreciate a giving spirit.
•        A man will ever value my true authentic self with all its intensity, depth, and truth.
•        The majority of people genuinely love themselves and enjoy their own company.
•        I can depend on anyone to provide my needs (emotional, physical, spiritual, or mental) except me.
•        I ask for too much in an intimate relationship.
•        I failed as a parent.
•        The next chapter of my life is filled with fireworks and monumental occasions, necessarily.
•        People define “good enough” for themselves based on what they believe about themselves.
•        Any relationship can survive without intimacy [not sex] and a willingness to be vulnerable.
•        Anyone is ever too busy to answer a text message.

So, my question to you, my readers, is: what do you believe and not believe – based on your own experience – not based on what society or religion tells you? Let me know your thoughts.

Letter to My Exes

Dear Exes,

First, I want to thank you for what good you brought to my life for the time we were together. If there was nothing good about our relationship I wouldn't have been in it. So, I give you credit for what you did that was good. I appreciate the laughter, the loving words, the small gestures, the flowers, the chivalry, and the challenges you presented to make me grow. I appreciate the lessons I've learned because of my experience with you. 

What I don't appreciate is you never really understanding what you had in me, not valuing me for the loving person I am, and not reciprocating my efforts in our relationship. I don't appreciate being used and taken for granted. I don't appreciate the fact that you took the love I gave willingly but were unwilling to love me back the way I deserved to be loved. I don't appreciate the fact that you didn't even see the need, or have the desire, to try. I don't appreciate feeling like the only thing I was good for was what I could do for YOU - financially, sexually, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I am hurt and I am angry. 

I am hurt because you didn't value me enough to consider my feelings or speak my love languages. They are very simple - quality time and words of affirmation. I don't ask for much from anyone, ever; so, when I do ask for something, I expect it to be done willingly because you KNOW I would do the same for you. That wasn't important to you, though. I wasn't important to you. Damn you for not seeing how rare a gem I am. Damn you for stomping on my heart with no sense of remorse. Damn you for treating me like I was just another chickenhead.  I'm not. I'm special and unique. I am by no means perfect but I KNOW I have a huge heart and would give you the shirt off my back. I am hurt because I made a conscious effort to make sure that you knew how I felt about you; whereas, your actions and your words were either non-existent or incongruent. 

I am angry because so much time has been wasted on dead end relationships with emotionally immature men. I am angry with you, my exes; I am angry with God; mostly, though, I am angry with myself. I am angry at you guys because you wasted an incredible opportunity to be deeply emotionally connected to an incredible woman who was genuinely loving and loyal. I would have gone to the ends of the Earth for each of you but I now know that you wouldn't have done the same for me. I am angry because with each break up, I was set back emotionally and had to climb my way back up but you walked away unscathed and undaunted. In fact, you probably walked away feeling good because of everything I gave during the relationship. Yet, my spirit was broken. I am  angry at God because He gave me this huge, giving heart that continues to get broken. I give my heart to a daughter who doesn't respect or appreciate me, a granddaughter who needs my stability, clients who need support in their own brokenness, students who are eager to learn, my country, my friends, and you. I'm tired of giving and not receiving in return from the men in my life. I am angry at God because He has not seen fit to send me someone as loving as I am. More importantly, I am angry with myself because I am the one who chooses the men I allow in my life. People will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. And for too damn long, I have allowed you all to mistreat me, lie to me, cheat on me, devalue me, have non-intimate sex with me, and take from me; not requiring enough in return. I saw a quote that said, "When you know your worth, you will stop giving discounts." All my dating life, I have given discounts and that is personally disappointing. I realize that I have looked to the men in my life to validate what my father never did; simultaneously confirming my belief about myself - that "I am good enough" just being who I am. But now that I know better, I will do better.

You see, the truth is, I KNOW, without a doubt, that:

- I am worthy because I exist

- I DESERVE to be loved deeply and unconditionally

- I am a good woman even with my faults and shortcomings

- It's okay for me to ask for what I need and/or want

- I don't have to prove my worth

- I am selfless and giving because that's who I am at my core

- I love hard and deep and that makes me especially vulnerable

- I am responsible for the choices/decisions I make in my life & the consequences that result

- I define "good enough" in my life

I don't know if I will ever find a man who sees me the way I see myself, who knows what he's got before I'm gone, and who actually wants to make me happy because he values me and the love I offer. At this point, I'm not even looking. I invested a year of my life into a relationship in which I couldn't even get a compliment because that was asking too much. What the hell?! BUT, I chose to stay because you said you would try to do better and I believed you would. No more of that. IF I ever date again, I promise myself that I will take things slow and pay attention to what a man actually brings to the table, not what he could bring. I will not settle for less than I deserve.

I sincerely apologize for making you guys responsible for validating my worth. That was never your responsibility and it put way too much pressure on you and on our relationship. I apologize for pushing too hard, being too intense, and for trying to control your emotional expressions and/or manipulate your emotional depth. I apologize if I overstepped your boundaries. I apologize if I did not meet your needs. Just like I'm sure it was not your intention to hurt me, it was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable in any way either. I willingly own my part in the demise of our relationship.

With this letter, I forgive you all for anything you did or said, intentionally or unintentionally, that hurt me in any way. I forgive my father for not engraining in me my worth and for not showing me that I was valued so I would expect the same from men in relationships. I ask God to forgive me for being so angry with Him, to heal my pain, and to either send "The One" He has for me or give me peace and joy with being single. Ultimately, and most importantly, I forgive myself for not making better choices and for giving my heart to men who couldn't take care of it. I believed I was making the best choice at that time based on the information I had; now I must make better choices and better protect my heart.  

Thank you, again, to all my exes for being true to who you are. Thank you for the stimulating conversations, the getaways, my new found love for golf, and for ending our relationship before I got stuck in a one-sided relationship that was not going to be good for me. You are all good men in your own way. I wouldn't have dated you if you weren't. :) Take care of yourselves. I wish you all the best.

Michael-Renee

On Being A Therapist - Part 3

"How do you do this everyday?," my client asked. "Why would you even want to do this?," he continued, "I don't think I could do this. I mean, how do you sit and listen to other people's problems all day? What about your problems? Or do you all not have problems since you are the 'professionals'?" "We're human," I replied. "Yeah, but you're also the 'doctor' - the one with the knowledge to fix 'people problems'." I almost laughed. Momentarily, it reminded me of my mother saying, "You're a mental health professional. You should be able to fix this," referring to my daughter's wild teenage misbehavior. Ha! If my client (and my mother) only knew! 

I wonder if he would feel differently if he knew that my high school dropout, teenage daughter, was flushing her life down the toilet by making poor choices on a daily basis. I wonder if he would feel differently if he knew that my boyfriend's grief, over the death of his mother, was so overwhelming that, not only could I not handle it or help him, but, I actually made things worse [unintentionally, of course] by getting lost in my own personal fears and needs and not being able to hear, or do, what he needed of me. I wonder if he would feel differently if he knew I had been crying myself to sleep every night this week because that same [long-term] boyfriend ended our relationship just a few days ago - and I was barely holding back the tears even as we were in my office having this conversation. I wonder if he would feel differently if he knew that, because I'm nursing a broken heart, my internal joy was significantly dampened; therefore, my love tank was only being filled, right now, by God's grace and my beautiful, loving, little granddaughter. I wonder if he would feel differently if he knew that, when I am "running on fumes," I have to dig deep into the bowels of my soul just to show up and, more importantly, be 100% present for each client that day because neither their problems nor their pain can be put on hold while I deal with my own.

"That's why every therapist should have a therapist," I told him, "because we are human, we do have problems, we do hurt, and we need help, sometimes, too." "The only difference is, we are trained to compartmentalize our own 'stuff' until we can process it appropriately," I added. So, while our lives continue, however they continue, we have chosen a career in which we still have to be present for others. Now, there are times when we reach our breaking point too, and either have to limit the clients we see or stop seeing clients temporarily. For example, couples work was very hard for me when I was going through a very painful divorce because of [his] infidelity; so, I stopped accepting new couples, for a few months, until I was able to process my own feelings of hurt, anger, grief, and shame. And I will probably limit the amount of grief work that I do, over the next couple of months, while I process my feelings of failure, guilt, shame, and hurt related to my response, or lack thereof, to my boyfriend's grief and the ultimate loss of the relationship (for which I feel responsible). I also have to be aware that, while I'm not going to stop seeing couples, I may be more sensitive to couples who are broken or breaking. 

Ethically, I must stay conscious to, and accountable for, my personal feelings so they do not cloud my objectivity. So, I will make sure to do a lot more case consultations with my two partners so they can give me their perspective on how I'm doing as well. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow and will increase my visits with her from bi-weekly to weekly until I can pick up the pieces of my own broken heart. And last, but certainly not least, I will be praying incessantly:

(1) that God will give me the strength to get out of my bed, in spite of my sadness, and show up at my office, 

(2) that God will give me the necessary tools to stay open and present for my clients, 

(3) that God will help me to hear and think clearly as I help my clients through their process,

(4) that God's will be done in their lives as well as my own, and 

(5) that God will heal all the brokenness - mine, my clients', my boyfriend's, and my boyfriend's sons - and replace it with a renewed sense of peace, joy, hope, and love.

That's "how I do this every day." As to the "why": I do this because I know the deepest, darkest sense of brokenness - when not just your heart is broken but your body, mind, and spirit - your entire existence is like a shattered window pane that simply hasn't yet fallen out of the frame. I know hurt so deep that it feels like the only viable option for relief is death. I know despair that is so profound that you feel like you are drowning. I know how it feels when the aching in your soul finally goes numb and you can barely even cry anymore. Most importantly, though, I know that there is joy, peace, and sunlight when you get to the other side of, and finally exit, that Hell. And my clients will NEVER have to walk through Hell alone as long as I'm breathing. To me, that's being a therapist.

On Being A Therapist - Part 2

3 to 4PM - OMG! Lies, lies, and more lies! He said, she said. But he did..., but she did... There are always three sides to every story - his, hers, and the truth. Neither one of these people is willing to take responsibility for their part in their current financial crisis. It doesn't seem as though they have ever really had a PARTNERSHIP. So, what exactly do you want me to do? Help fix the financial crisis or help fix the marriage? I don't like dealing with money, so I refer them to The Budget Coach, Donna Dallas, and I focus on the feelings - anger, disappointment, and distrust. I give them a homework assignment but I seriously doubt if they will do it. They're so hellbent on being "right" that the focus is not on their brokenness. And I won't play referee - awarding the belt to the winner - because they both lose, which, ultimately, will cost their son too. SMDH. 9 hours down, 8 hours to go.

4 to 5PM - Wow, the devastation of addiction. It destroys the lives of the addict AND the addict's family. An addict will risk EVERYTHING for their drug of choice - alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, sex, gambling, pornopgraphy, whatever. It's hard for me to imagine something making me forget that I'm a mother or a wife. It's hard for me to imagine something making me put my paycheck on the line by engaging in illegal activities while at work. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around "I know it hurts you. I see you crying. I realize that I could lose everything, including my family, but I just can't stop." However, even in the midst of my befuddlement, my heart goes out to both my client and his wife. It's got to be exhausting having to cater to an addiction every single time it calls you no matter what you are doing or how you are feeling. And it's got to be exhausting having to monitor both your kids AND your husband to make sure that they are ALL on their best behavior. We have discussed several different coping strategies but nothing seems to work. He may have to hit rock bottom and lose EVERYTHING  before he can really make a change. Sad. 10 hours down, 7 hours to go.

From 5 to 6PM, there is a ray of sunshine! This client very rarely misses an appointment. She always completes all her homework. She pays out of pocket because she doesn't like the limitations placed on her by her insurance company, as far as who she sees and how many visits she is allowed to have. Her therapy is THAT IMPORTANT to her. She has already booked her weekly appointments through the end of the year. She gets better and better - brighter and happier, stronger and more self-assured. I LOVE watching her learn to love herself in spite of her flaws and believe in herself in spite of her fears. SHE is PROOF that therapy WORKS. You get out of therapy what you put into therapy. And this young lady faces her demons with honesty and courage. I clap, smile, hoot, and holler to celebrate her growth and accomplishments. The smile on her face, in response to my boisterous praise, is PRICELESS. 11 hours down, 6 hours to go.

6PM is dinner time. I grab a snack (and some more caffeine) and sit down with my intern to process a few things. "You can do that?," she asks me. "Do what?," I reply. "Show emotion like you just did," she says. "Uh, absolutely, you can!" She looks at me skeptically and says, "But in school, they tell us not to do that - to show no emotion; just be stoic." I let out a low chuckle because I remember being taught the same thing in "counseling school." "I genuinely care about my clients," I say, "and I would not dare withhold my authentic self from them when I ask them to be their authentic selves with me. So, when I'm proud of them or happy for them, I openly celebrate them." "Would you ever cry with them?," my intern asks. "If I felt their pain as deeply as they feel it, I would certainly allow myself to cry with them. I'm human and I understand their hurt. And what a gift that can be to a client to know that someone understands their deepest darkness and is willing to go there and be vulnerable with them." In the therapy chair, you learn fairly quickly that the book stuff only gives you a base of understanding, academically. YOU still have to experience your humanness, albeit controlled, in order to stay truly present with the client in the moment. 12 hours down, 5 more to go.

7 to 8PM comes with another couple trying to communicate. Their love for one another is obvious but so is the anger and doubt. She's angry because "my father didn't teach me what it felt like to be loved." "I never really knew how real love was supposed to feel," she says. "Then, how do you know that your husband is doing it wrong?," I ask. "Well, because it feels weird - it's boring, there's no drama." "Oh, so it's secure and stable and that scares the hell out of you," I say. Through her tears, she says, "Yes." "So, why, then, are you so extremely angry with him," I ask. "Because he is supposed to fill the void my father created and make me feel beautiful and special!," she states. "Then, I guarantee you he will continue to let you down. Because it is NOT his responsibility to fill the void your father created or to make you feel beautiful and special. YOU have to fill the void and heal the wounds with which your father left you. Your husband can't fix that for you and he should confirm, not create, your beauty and feelings of being special. Stop blaming your husband for the emptiness and self-loathing you have carried for all these years and LET HIM LOVE YOU. He's certainly TRYING." Her husband didn't say a word; didn't try to defend himself; simply put his arm around her and held her as she cried. Then, I noticed he was crying too. POWERFUL. 13 hours down, 4 more to go.

8 to 9PM The cutest little pre-marital couple comes in for their first visit. They seem to know each other very well. They are able to answer questions about each other accurately. Then, I dig a little deeper. The questions get a little harder. However, they take their time to think about their answers and they keep hitting the mark with what they know about each other. They agree on the importance of communication. They agree on having both joint and separate bank accounts. They agree on 2 kids after at least a year of marriage. They even agree that "swinging is definitely out but a little bondage is a good thing." However, they both learn something new about each other when we look at their foreplay maps to see how they're touching each other compared to how they prefer to be touched. It doesn't surprise me because new couples and younger couples don't want to hurt each other's feelings when it comes to discussing sexual satisfaction. What they don't realize, however, is that "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" and when needs are not being met, resentment becomes a real risk. So, first obstacle avoided - their foreplay will now be even better. FUN. 14 hours down, 3 more to go.

It takes from 9 to 11PM to review charts, enter progress notes, and tweak treatment plans as necessary. Once everything is put into the computer, I lock the electronic records and submit the claims, most of which are electronic. The paper claims print out next. I check those, fold them, stuff them in envelopes, and put a stamp and return address label on them. Put them in a stack to go to the mailbox. I have to get the deposits ready for the bank and deposit the checks over the phone. Damn, speaking of the phone, did I ever check my voicemail messages today? I don't think so. So, I check the voicemail. Five new messges. Oh well, my bad; I'll have to return calls tomorrow or Monday. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I missed my granddaughter's bedtime so I won't get her little kisses tonight. At least my boyfriend will be calling soon on his way to work. He's not going to be happy, though, that I'm just leaving the office at 11PM. Couldn't be helped. I would have been there even longer without my intern's help. I have been known to just sleep on the sofa in my office when I've stayed too late. I lock the file cabinet, turn out the lights, turn off the peaceful lobby music, put Josey up on my shoulder, turn out the office lights, set the alarm, and my intern and I leave the office, finally, after 13 hours. 16 hours down, 1 more to go.

11PM - I drive home where everyone is asleep. I fix myself a drink, kick my shoes off, change into my pajamas, and turn on the TV. My boyfriend calls on his way to work, we talk for a half hour, say our "I love yous," and hang up until in the morning when he'll call on his way home from work. I lay down to go to sleep at 12AM - Sunday. When I started this day, it was Saturday. Unbelievable. 17 hours down, no more to go. 

On Being A Therapist - Part 1

It's 7AM, Saturday morning; and I wake up with my little granddaughter stretched across the bed with her feet pressed into my stomach. She looks so peaceful when she's sleeping. Her innocence starts my day with a beautifully quiet HOPE. I hope that my clients can find a peacefulness as deep. As I lay there quietly, I pray for my family, my boyfriend and his family, my clients, and myself. I pray that God will guide me through each client hour - soften my heart to my clients pain, clear my mind to understand their thoughts, open my ears to hear the feelings beneath the feelings, and awaken my spirit of discernment so that I may be in tune with those things left unspoken. 1 hour down, 16 more to go.

From 8 to 9AM, I take care of my "activities of daily living," do my hair, take my medication, and pick out what I'm going to wear. I mean, I know it will be jeans and a T-shirt. But, will it be dark jeans, light jeans or black jeans? Will it be a Dallas Cowboys t-shirt, a horse t-shirt, or a plain V-neck t-shirt? Will I wear one of my 12 pairs of cowgirl boots, a pair of flip flops, or my clear Converse sneakers with some crazy socks? No suit, no skirt, guaranteed. I must be AUTHENTIC just as I ask my clients to be. Now that I'm dressed, I'm ready to go; so I grab my dog, Josey, and head out the door. 2 hours down, 15 more to go.

9 to 10AM, I gas up the car, get some breakfast, get some coffee, and head to the office. I get inside and turn on the lights and the peaceful lobby music. Then, my heart actually flutters as I head back to my personal office. I absolutely LOVE what I do so I get excited every time I open the door to my therapy space. Turn on the white noise and the computer. Make sure I have paper and pens. Get Josey some water. Unlock the file cabinet, grab the first file of the day, and do a quick review. 3 hours down, 14 more to go.

From 10 to 11AM, there is anger, frustration, and tears. "I don't know what to do," the client says. She's looking to me to tell her what to do. "You have the answers," I think, "I just need to help you find them." I wish she knew her own POWER. 4 hours down, 13 more to go.

From 11AM to 12PM, there is restricted joy. "I'm feeling better," the client says. Yet, there's only a hint of a smile. It saddens me that she's still afraid that she won't be good enough. "Why can't you see your own value?", I think to myself. I wish she would BELIEVE in herself. 5 hours down, 12 more to go.

From 12PM to 1PM, there are some deep wounds bleeding and I watch the life being drained out of a couple who are still in love. Part of me wants to beg them to fight for their marriage because LOVE is so precious. But it's not my place to say. I can't want more for my clients than they want for themselves. I can see the desperation in their eyes, begging each other, "Please don't hurt me again." While their tears stream down and drip on their folded arms - a stance of simultaneous strength and weakness, hope and fear. I bet if they hugged each other right now, they would crumple in each other's arms. As much as I want to help them restore their marriage, I have to know that they are committed to the process and the hard work it will entail. I'll be praying that they can have mercy on one another. 6 hours down, 11 more to go.

From 1 to 2PM, there are little laughs trying to cover tears. "Her tears don't mean anything," he says. "Yes, they do," she whispers. "Yes, they do," I say with conviction. My heart goes out to her - she seems so defeated - her tears are not seen as important and the pain in her voice is not heard. What has happened after 20 years to get you two to this place? And then, as I watch their dynamic, I begin to see it clearly. He's hard, she's soft. He's rigid, she's flexible. He doesn't bend, she bends until she's broken. He's concrete and logical; she's abstract and emotional. I have to help them find BALANCE. I feel responsible. They are trusting me to guide them in the right direction toward fixing what's broken. I take that very seriously. 7 hours down, 10 more to go.

It's 2PM and it's time for lunch. I'm not really hungry though. Well, I'm a little hungry but I'm too tired to eat. I have notes I should probably write but I'll do it later. My heart is heavy. There have been a lot of tears this morning, a lot of hurt, anger, and frustration. Yeah, one client is making progress but it's only a little. A little is better than none, remember, Dr. Godfrey. I've got to come up with some more homework that's going to push her further out of her comfort zone. What about the new clients? One couple was a referral from a colleague - why? Am I really that good? What if I fail them? What if I can't help either of those couples fix their brokenness? You've been successful since you started practicing. RELAX. You're only the guide. It's up to them to do the work. I want them to do the work. I want them to be genuinely happy. Damn! It's almost 3 o'clock already?! I better go to the bathroom before my next client. 8 hours down, 9 more to go.

Defining Family

There are more than 10 definitions of "family" in the dictionary. When you hear or see the word "family," who comes to mind? Husband, wife, partner? Kids? Mom, dad, & siblings? Grandparents? Friends? Pets? Who makes up your "family"? Does the thought of "family" make you feel warm & fuzzy, make you cringe, or make you feel indifferent? Is family defined by blood, love, attitude, values, or what?

My family is defined by blood and commitment. My blood family are those relatives whom I have known since the beginning of time - my daughter, granddaughter, parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, & cousins. My committed family consists of the people in my life whom I feel are genuinely committed to my happiness & success in life. They are the people whom I feel will be there for me no matter what. Sometimes the circles overlap & sometimes they don't.

After you've defined "family," think about how you honor those people & relationships in your life. For example, I heard a young lady, Amanda, on the phone with her younger sister, and my heart just melted. She showed such genuine concern & love for her sister that I knew, without having to ask, that her sister was incredibly important to her. My boyfriend, Joe, talks to his mother once or twice every day. He talks to his brother quite frequently as well. I, on the other hand, may talk to my mother once a quarter & find out about my brother's life on Facebook. I talk to my business partner, and high school best friend, almost every day. Is she my family? Yes. I take a whole week away from my private practice to volunteer at my cousin Rashan's Sporty Girls summer camp - and I wouldn't do that for anyone but her. Is she my family? Yes. 

So, everybody's "family" is different. Your family is made up of people who matter to you for whatever reason. You may interact with some family members more than others or differently than others but you probably love them all the same. Or do you? I challenge you to take a real look at who is in your family circle. There may be some people, though not blood relatives, who have your back no matter what. And you may have some relatives, although family by blood, who add nothing positive to your life. Your family can consist of whomever you want. What I want you to do is nurture those relationships because they are important for your mental and emotional well-being. Reach out to one or more of your family members today and tell them how much you love and care about them. Do it today!

How Far Would You Go?

Over the course of my career as a therapist, I have met with A LOT of couples.  It still boggles my mind, however, when a couple sits on my couch and they use the words “I” and “my” more than “we” and “our.”  Yet, they wonder why they feel angry, lonely, and disconnected.  Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice just as much as it is about love and faithfulness.  Refusing to hear your partner’s opinion or to answer your partner’s question because you feel it is irrelevant is completely asinine.  Complaining about how much he plays golf instead of spending time with you but refusing to learn anything about golf makes no sense.  So, my question for this post is: How far are you willing to go to build and/or maintain the intimate connection between you and your partner?  Or, to put it another way, how much are you willing to compromise or sacrifice for the good of your relationship?

I used golf as an example because I can personally relate to that situation.  My boyfriend LOVES golf and would probably play golf every day if he could.  When we first started dating, I had absolutely no interest in golf – never had and claimed I never would.  Hence my advice to avoid the words “never” and “always” because you just never know. But, I digress.  As I started to see how excited Joe got about golf, I found myself wishing that WE had something we could get excited about and do together. He asked me if I would play golf with him and I refused.  I agreed to ride in the golf cart and watch him play; to which he responded, “That’s no fun.”  I asked him to get involved with horses [because that’s what I like] and he agreed to learn more about them; he refused, however, to ride. LOL. I was surprised but flattered that he would take an interest in, and become a part of, something I liked that wasn’t really his cup of tea.  He was willing to compromise and sacrifice.  Then, I had to ask myself why I wasn’t willing to do the same for him.  Would it kill me to learn about golf? No.  Would it make Joe happy and give us something else with which we could connect?  Yes.  

So, for a birthday surprise, I bought a set of golf clubs and all the accessories and I signed up for lessons.  My plan was to show up on his birthday ready to play.  Unfortunately, he found out what I was doing before his birthday arrived BUT the smile on his face when he figured out what I was doing was PRICELESS.  I had no idea that my willingness to learn about, and be involved in, his passion would mean that much to him.  He was genuinely excited about the prospect of getting out on the golf course and “showing me off.”  Now, I probably watch golf as much as he does; trying to learn everything I can because golf is not easy.  I don’t know that I will love the game like Joe does but I certainly don’t mind playing and actually enjoy my time on the course.  I look forward to my golf lessons and am really looking forward to the first time I get to play with Joe.

What would you be willing to do to strengthen your connection with your partner?  Would you be willing to listen without interrupting him or her?  Would you be willing to cook their favorite dish just because even though you had a long day yourself? Would you be willing to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new sexually?  Would you take the time to really learn one of their hobbies so you could participate or teach them about your hobbies so they could participate with you?  Would you be willing to stay up late and help your partner study or write a paper?  Would you be willing to talk openly about a difficult topic and really try to understand your partner’s point of view?  Would you be willing to take care of the kids for an hour so your partner could have some alone time?  Would you be willing to change some old habits (as difficult as that can be) in order to make your partner happy?  Would you be willing to drop your façade and be genuinely vulnerable with your partner, allowing him or her to really see you as you are?

If you are not willing to compromise, sacrifice, or simply do something different you will remain stuck right where you are and your intimate connection will not grow.  So, if you’re happy with what you’ve got, keep doing what you’re doing.  I dare you, though, to do something different and see if your connection can go deeper.  You might be pleasantly surprised.

Now What?

Now that I have finished my dissertation, I am sitting around bored. I always knew I was putting in a lot of time researching and writing; now I'm putting in no time and it feels weird. My therapist says I should take some down time to do nothing and just take care of myself. My friends have suggested that I relax but that's a word around which I can't seem to wrap my brain.

Relax. What does that mean exactly. I'm sure it means something different to each individual person. What does it mean to you? What do you do to relax? I mean, is watching TV considered relaxing? Is it getting a massage or taking a stroll? Does relaxing mean that you are doing nothing at all? I'm seriously asking you, my readers, to help me figure this out. 

I have watched TV and played every game on my iPad. I honestly find myself looking at my laptop wanting to do some work. Lol. At the same time, I know I need to learn how to relax and take care of myself. I have two more books on the horizon but I am deliberately trying not to work on them until I master this relaxation thing.

I kep saying I'm going to start working out because I know physical fitness is important. I bought some golf clubs and signed up for golf lessons because my boyfriend, Joe, loves to play. So, since I want to spend more time with him, I decided to learn to play golf. Of course, I can now spend more time riding my horse, Hershey; that is always enjoyable. I'll also have more time for my granddaughter, Zayda and that always fills my heart with joy. She keeps me busy though so that's not really relaxing. Lol.

I feel like I have to stop my brain and my body to be relaxed. Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. I know I can't meditate because I can't get my brain to quiet. As much as I try to relax when I'm getting a massage, I find that difficult too. Beyond riding my horse and playing golf, I can't think of anything else to do to relax. So, help me out, readers. Tell me what you do to relax!

2015 Vision

Welcome to 2015! Another year has come and gone. We have now been given another 365 days to really live and experience life. As you know, I do not set New Year’s resolutions. I always set goals for myself, though. Last year, my goals were as follows:

-       

•   To have true, genuine happiness (A) 
•   To create balance in my life in mind, body and spirit (B)
•   Mind = stay in therapy and read books (A+)
•   Body = healthy living (D average) 
•    o   Healthier eating habits (B)
•    o   To do something (exercise) each day (F)
•   Spirit = read the entire Bible in one year (C)

So, for the year of 2014, I earned about a C average. LOL. I was happy. I had more balance than the year before. I continued to go to therapy and read books. I changed my eating habits but still didn’t eat a lot of healthy vegetables. I did not exercise at all. I read half of the Bible but slacked off after 6 months and did not finish. I am not beating up on myself, though; just being honest and real. I don’t feel like I failed or let myself down. I simply did not complete the tasks I laid out for myself. Oh, well, it’s a new year so I’ll just try again.

My vision for 2015 is all about relationships. I tried to focus as much on myself as possible last year and I did okay. This year I am going to focus on my interactions with others.

First and foremost, I want to continue to strengthen my relationship with Christ. Once again, I am going to try the “Read the Bible in One Year” program [it’s an app you can download on your phone or tablet (BiOY)]. In addition to that, though, I am going to try to go to church more often. Currently, I attend “Bedside Baptist” as my friend Lisa would call it. I watch people like Joel Osteen, T.D. Jakes, and Joyce Meyer and get the Word that way. The only thing I really miss about church is the fellowship. So, I am going to get back to church more often at Covenant of Peace and I am also going to try a 

church down the street, Liberty Church.

I want to continue to foster a closer relationship with my daughter. We have been getting along very well (after a few “come to Jesus” meetings). Even when she has worked my last nerve, I look at that young lady and know, without a shadow of a doubt, how much I love her. And I don’t want us to have the same type of love/hate relationship my mom and I had. I think it’s even more important now since she is a young mother herself. I plan to spend more time with her and really try to understand her better and get to know her better. I hope to create a mother-daughter relationship in which we both feel emotionally safe, genuinely loved, and incredibly valuable.

I want to rekindle a friendship with my friend Vaneisa. We’ve been saying we were going to have lunch forever, it seems, and haven’t done it in over a year. That’s ridiculous. I also want to try again to rekindle a friendship with my friend Tracey. I have reached out to her but gotten no response; unfortunately, that may mean that friendship is gone. But, I am determined to try again. One of my best friends, Gwen, is retiring this year and coming back to Atlanta and I definitely want to pick up where we left off when she moved away.

Lastly, I want to keep building a strong, everlasting relationship with my boyfriend, Joe. His love for me is kind, gentle, and warm. He makes me feel very special and I love him for that. He tells me I’m “an amazing woman” and that feels good. He is a praying man of God so I willingly submit to him because I know that he will lead our relationship in the way it should go based on the guidance he receives from the Most High. My relationship with Joe only adds to my life, my peace, and my joy. It is a relationship that I would like to last forever. I can’t imagine a day going by without hearing him say, “I love you.” And I want him to know [now] that I value him and his presence in my life. I want him to know that my love for him runs soul deep and that he is an important priority in my life. The way to show that is by actively, deliberately, and conscientiously working on my relationship with him.

Relationships grow over time but they will die without being nurtured. There is no relationship in our life that can fully sustain itself without some type of real connection and some level of effort. One day, we will lose that person for one reason or another and then it will be too late to show him or her how much he or she really meant to us. So, look at your relationships today, decide which ones you value the most, and then make a conscious effort to work on them.