Really? Dating? Loving? Again? Hmmmm...

Am I really back in the dating world again?  Wow!  Have you ever found yourself asking that question?  When the realization hit you, did you feel like you were waking up from a dream, or maybe a nightmare?  None of us get married thinking about the end – whether that end comes in death or divorce.

After 8 years of being with someone – almost 5 of those married – believing that I would never have to date again – I think I have finally awakened from a very long, but subtle nightmare.  As good as it feels to be free from the problems, disappointments, and deceit – it may not be as easy to free yourself from the doubts.  When marriages end in divorce, people are often left with unanswered questions.  Where did we go wrong?  Why did I ever marry him/her?  Why was I not good enough for him/her to love?  Did he/she ever really love me?  Will I ever be able to love again?  Do I even want to love again?  What’s the matter with me?  Then, there are the funny moments - such as when your best friend tells you to pose for a picture, for your online dating profile.  She says to you, “look sexy” and your response is, “What?  I don’t remember how to do that.”  Unbelievable!

A lot of these questions can get answered through some honest soul searching; and with the help of a therapist.  Others are simply emotional reactions to intense pain and/or an overwhelming sense of failure.  We all want to love and be loved in return.  In the movie Moulin Rouge, John Leguizamo, as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, stops Christian from walking away from the absolute love of his life by yelling out, “The greatest gift you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!”  In that moment, Christian realizes that no matter what has happened between he and Satine, their love is real and can withstand even death.  It is an amazing love story that reminds us of the tremendous pain and the tremendous pleasure that can be experienced in the midst of true love.

Therein lies the difference.  True love doesn’t get divorced and true love doesn’t die.  When people commit to one another forever, they have to believe that they love each other.  If they didn’t, they would just be friends.  So, if you believe in true love, then you will love again; and it will be everything you want it to be.  However, you will have to date in order to find that love.  I was contacted by a real hottie online and the first two sentences of his profile read: Just because something has failed before, doesn't mean it will fail again.  I don't let the past disappointments weigh too heavily in my expectations of my future likelihood of success.  That made an impression on me because he’s right.  And did I mention that he was hot?  Anyway, life really can be that simple – where failures or letdowns are each their own separate experience.  So what that your relationship didn’t work out?  Okay, so you were deeply hurt.  You will still have to risk loving again if you want serious companionship. 

No matter what medium you use to search for connections with people, you should take your time and really get to know him or her.  Trust your gut.  Keep your ears and eyes open.  Pay attention to how someone treats you from the very first conversation to the very last conversation.  Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.”  Do not lower your standards.  Do not make excuses for someone treating you in a way less than you deserve.  Personally, I would rather be alone than to allow myself to be mistreated by, or to be miserable with, someone who claims to love and care about me.  Remember that you set the boundaries in your own life.  People will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. 

So, you must do something different to get different results.  Maybe you could date outside of your race.  Maybe you could date a blue collar worker instead of a white collar worker.  Perhaps you can change your height or weight requirements.  Perhaps you could date a techie instead of an artist or vice versa.  Just be open to new experiences.  Be open to love.  Even if I never find it, I still believe it exists.