Friends

The word friend comes from an Old English word meaning to love freely.  Merriam-Webster defines a “friend” as:

-        1. A person you like and enjoy being with

-        2. A person who helps or supports someone or something

-        3. One attached to another by affection or esteem

-        4. One that is not hostile

-        5. One that is of the same nation, party, or group

-        6. One that favors or promotes something

-        7. A favored companion

I define a friend as:

-        1. Someone who is ALWAYS there for you no matter what

-        2. A “ride or die” buddy

-        3. Someone who has your back at all costs

-        4. Someone who helps you pick up the pieces when life implodes around you

-        5. Someone with whom you can share anything and everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly

-        6. Someone who is there to help you, however he or she can, before you even ask

My definition of a friend comes from what I know I would do for a friend and what I would want a friend to do for me.  My therapist and I argued for half a session about how you define real friends and who they are in my life.  The sad truth is that in analyzing who actually meets my criteria, the list is very short.  What I came to realize is that I tend to be a much better “friend” to the people in my life than they are to me.

This sad revelation came as I was packing up my living room to move next week.  After working two jobs and being up since 4AM, I was in my living room all alone with no one to help me pack.  I hate moving as much as most people do; but I have helped people pack and move several times.  I just grit my teeth and get in there and do what I can.  Yet, when it comes time for me to move, there is no one to be found.  To their credit, I actually have some “friends” that were honest and just told me, point blank, “Don’t ask me to help you move because I’m not going to do it.”  Other “friends,” who always give lip service to “Anything you need, you know I am there for you,” are nowhere to be found either.  So, after I got my living room packed, I started to think.

I started to think about whether my friends are really my friends.  By Webster’s definition, I would say, “Yes.”  I enjoy being with them and I feel like we are attached by affection.  They are not hostile and I would consider most of them “a favored companion.”  By my definition, though, I am not sure that all my “friends” are truly “friends.”  It may be time to put a few of them in the “acquaintance” category.

As I sat amongst my boxes, I started thinking about other situations in which I may have needed help.  It is not easy for me to ask for help; but, I have learned how to do it.  Unfortunately, as I thought about more and more situations, I realized that I had gone through the storm pretty much by myself – with no one on whom to lean for whatever reason. 

Most of my “friends” are my age or older, only a few are in their 30s.  We ALL work and we are ALL driven.  Some have kids, some do not.  Some are married, some are not.  Seemingly, however, when I am in need, everyone is too busy to help.  Yet, whenever one of my “friends” needs help, I find the time or make the time to help them out.  I will schedule something on my off day.  I will reschedule clients if it’s something urgent or serious.  I will give the last dime that I can afford to give.  I will block time off my schedule to be there for a future event or need.  But, when it’s my turn, the effort is not nearly reciprocated.  That revelation wounded my heart.

So, my therapist believes that I should scrap everyone on the list who doesn’t meet my definition of “friend” – no matter how long they have been in my life.  She believes I should start fresh and make all new “friends.”  I don’t agree.  I believe you have to accept to people where they are and believe them when they show you who they are.  I think what I will have to do is start categorizing my “friends” into sub-groups, such as:

-        1. Those that are strictly acquaintances

-        2. Those that will always be there to talk ONLY

-        3. Those that I can call up for a spontaneous road trip

-       4.  Those that will actually be PRESENT to help me with whatever I need

-        5. Those that I can truly call FRIEND who will meet my needs the same way I will meet theirs

Then, I will have to learn to set boundaries with those that do not warrant all my time and effort.  I understand that going out of my way is my choice.  So, with someone that I know will never reciprocate that level of “friendship,” I will just have to start holding back.  That way my love tank doesn’t run empty – leaving nothing for my or those on whom I can depend.  That will take some self-evaluation and self-exploration on my part as well as some difficult decisions because I am naturally a “helper.”  Not giving my all is like trying to hold back the tide. LOL.  

I give myself permission, however, to set the necessary boundaries to take care of my heart and my needs.  I give myself permission to expect that the same level of friendship I give will be reciprocated to me.  I give myself permission to say, “No,” when I need to say it and to not feel guilty about it.  I applaud myself for being a good friend and I am grateful for the “friends” and acquaintances that I do have.

So, as always, I leave you with a challenge.  Take a good hard look at your “friends” and decide for yourself if you need to do some “housekeeping” in that department.  Is it time for you to re-categorize the people in your life?  Is it time to get rid of some dead weight?  Is it time to let some new people in?  Are you overlooking anyone in your life that could be a good friend if you would let them?  Just some things to think about.

When Your Spirit Is Broken

Have you ever hit a wall in life where nothing seems to go right?  Do you ever feel like you are drowning in chaos and dissension?  Have you ever asked God, “Why?”  Have you ever felt like you could not handle one more thing and then one more thing happened?  These are what I call “Job moments” or “Job seasons” depending on how long they last.  Unlike Job, though, we don’t all make it through the test with flying colors.  

Sometimes, we cry out and God says, “No.”  Sometimes, we cry out and God is silent.  Our faith is tested to its limits and strained severely.  Although we say things like, “God doesn’t put more on us than we can bear,” I beg to differ.  I believe God does put more on us than we can bear because if we could handle it all, we might not call on Him.  I also believe there are times when there is so much on us at one time that our spirits may break.  We may get angry, curse God, scream, yell, and act out in many different ways.  We may give God ultimatums or we may simply shut down completely.

There are some agnostics that would argue that all Christians do is SUFFER.  I’ve heard Christianity described as a battle of wills to see who can suffer the most and remain faithful.  Well, that is not a form of spirituality that I would readily embrace.  How about you?  People who survive tremendous suffering, however, are often labeled as “strong.”  We hear things about them like, “blessed” and “highly favored.”  Many of us say we want to have a faith like those survivors, or worse, we ask for “the patience of Job.”  Remember what Job had to go through to learn that patience.  What happens if you don’t have Job’s patience or faith?  What happens if you get tired of being strong?  What happens when you feel like you have nothing left, God still has not shown up, and you feel like you are all alone?

I don’t know about you but I get pissed!  I get angry with God.  I question Him as to why he didn’t show up.  I give Him ultimatums.  I cuss.  I fuss.  I cry.  I scream.  I rant.  I rave.  I show out until I wear myself out.  I am in a Job season right now where everything that can go wrong, seems to be going wrong.  Around every corner, there seems to be yet another problem that I cannot fix; and despite my faith, God has not intervened – at least not where I can see.  I even asked Him why he saved me from my last suicide attempt, 20+ years ago; only to have to face this even harder journey I am on right now.  I am tired of treading water and would like to get in the boat and rest for a while.  Have you ever felt that way?

Tamela Mann sings a song called, “Take Me to the King” that speaks volumes about this journey of the broken spirit.  In her song, she says:

Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are You?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?

Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fight
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch will change my life

Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King

Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King

After you’ve done all you can, and you can no longer “just stand,” perhaps all you can do is to lay at the throne – battered and beaten and waiting for healing.  Perhaps you don’t have to say a word because God knows your heart.  

What intrigues me about Tamela Mann’s song, though, is that she asks to be taken to the throne.  That means she needs help to get there.  She is too tired and weak on her own to even get the healing she needs.  This is where our friends, prayer partners, prayer groups, and prayer warriors come in to stand in the gap for us.  When we have nothing left, we must ask for the prayers and strength of others who can pray for us, over us, and with us.  Do not be ashamed to say, “I am broken” or “I’ve given up” or “I have nothing left.”  You see, God does give us more than we can bear ALONE.  Sometimes, He is the only place from where our help can come.  

Pete Wilson, in his book, Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?, challenges believers in a couple of ways.  Pete said, “I've discovered that sometimes God wants us to live inside of the questions. Sometimes he wants us to linger in the waiting, hoping, praying. In fact, sometimes it's right in the middle of our darkness in the middle of our crisis, in the middle of our Plan B struggles that God speaks most clearly.”  He also acknowledges one his greatest fears by saying, “My greatest fear for my life and yours is that we'll just get busy and distracted and settle for a mediocre, unexamined life. It's that we'll just settle into life as usual and never become the person God intended for us to be.”

I have read this book several times.  In the midst of my own treacherous Job season, Pete’s words have once again challenged me, though.  So, I will leave you with this challenge from Pete Wilson’s book.  And I ask, “is this where I have fallen short again,” “is this my truth,” “is this your truth?”

You may be at odds with God right now. You're not happy with the way your life is turning out. You may be praying and pleading with God. But is it possible you don't really want God? Is it possible you just want what you think God can give you? One of the things I believe God is teaching me in my life these days is that at times we want our dreams more than we want God. We want what God does for us instead of just God.

Let's Talk About SEX

Sex.  Yes, that is the topic of this particular blog post.  I felt it was important because no one seems to want to talk about it.  Why?  In 2013, are we still trying to act like sex is still taboo?  Why?  Sex is a natural part of life that which can either enhance or break down a relationship.  I have a book in my office titled The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl's Sex and it is wonderful!  It saddens me, though, that we still differentiate between "bad girls" and "good girls."  It amazes me that there are still people out there who believe that women do not want sex like men do.  God gave women a clitoris for one reason and one reason only - PLEASURE.  He is a wonderful God!  Sexual pleasure is discussed openly in the Bible - see Song of Songs or Song of Solomon, depending on which version you are reading.  Yet, we continue to act like it is an off-limits discussion that we can only have in quiet whispers behind closed doors.  NOT!

Women and Sex
No, we are not all prudes.  We have a healthy sexual appetite just like you.  What men do not seem to remember, or know, is that women's libido can be affected by emotional closeness.  It is not always about the quantity of sex but the quality of the relationship and the sex in that relationship.  Sometimes, it is really simply a matter of feeling close and connected to your partner.  Sometimes, we have the same raw desire that men have and just want to "get it on."  When we are angry, hurt, or feeling unappreciated or devalued, you can best believe that sex is the last thing on our minds.  Women are not as complicated as you may think.  Texting sweet messages throughout the day, coming home with a single rose, bathing the kids or doing the dishes while we get a bubble bath will make all the difference in the world.  If you don't like your body, Ladies, that is something you need to work on because putting yourself down is very unattractive.

Men and Sex
Now, this is a topic that I cannot speak to firsthand, obviously, because I am not a man.  I do not believe that all men are horny dogs.  I do not believe that all men try to conquer women sexually.  I do believe that there are men out there who like to make love - softly and gently - just as much as they want to get raunchy and "just hit it."  What I do know is that men are visually stimulated.  So, Ladies, you will have to forgo the head scarf or ponytail and sweats sometimes in exchange for some sexy lingerie.  Learn how to pole dance or how to do something visual that can entice and excite your partner.  Men have egos as well and they like to have their egos stroked.  So, by making them feel good about themselves instead of emasculating them, you may get more sex than you ever imagined.

Questions
I do still have some questions that maybe you, my audience, can help me answer:

1. As much as I know men enjoy having their egos stroked, why are we, women, still faking orgasms instead of simply telling our partner what we want and what feels good?

2. What is the fascination some men have with degrading women during sex - calling them bitches, whores, and sluts - to get off?  What is that really about?

3. What has happened to the love, romance, and intimacy that used to be called "making love" versus "having sex?"  Why do we no longer focus on connecting with each other through lovemaking versus just "getting our rocks off?"

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

At what point did we stop respecting each other as men and women? At what point did we stop respecting people's commitment to one another?

We seem to have reduced people to bodies and money. People have become incredibly manipulative and self-serving and it is SAD. Men and women have reduced each other to how much money we spend on someone, what someone can do for us or how much we can get out of someone, and how willing we are to give up sex!

Being back in the dating world has opened my eyes to this sad truth more than I care to admit. I have met men who feel like it's totally okay to ask very personal questions within the first twenty minutes of the first conversation. It seems to be okay for both men AND women to date people who already have a significant other or spouse. Now, I'm NOT judging anyone; but personally, I'm not willing to reduce myself to "a booty call."

Let me give you some examples from my experiences & feel free to share some examples of your own.  I have heard women say, "All a man can do for me is pay my bills!"  I have heard of women who KNOW that "their man" has other girlfriends and they just kinda "wait their turn." Yuck!  I actually had a guy ask me, during our very first conversation, "So, do  you like to use toys when you have sex?" Are you kidding me?!  When I told another guy that I had a boyfriend, he responded, "Well, that's his problem not mine." Of course, that was very disrespectful to my boyfriend; but it was even more disrespectful to me. To me, the second man was implying that he believed I would be willing to lie to my boyfriend, cheat on him, keep secrets from him, and give my body to someone for whom  I had no feelings! WRONG!

My friend, David, explained it to me like this: men approach me because of how I look - not caring if I have a brain in my head. Once they find out that I'm intelligent and articulate, they still want to have sex with me and will still try to have sex with me.  If they can hold a conversation, they think they may be able to persuade me.  If they can't hold a conversation, they may still ask anyway, in the hopes that I'm "easy" & will say yes regardless. However, they will ALL try.

So, I want to say something to men and women alike. PLEASE VALUE THE TEMPLE WITH WHICH GOD BLESSED YOU AND STOP REDUCING YOUR WORTH TO YOUR GENITALIA AND YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS!

Personally, I can pay my own bills and want a man who pays his own. If we end up together, there's no way, short of catastrophe, that we'll ever be broke.  If one of us gets sick, the other will be able to hold it down. 

Realistically, you can generate your own orgasm by yourself. You don't NEED a significant other if that's your only goal. Personally, I believe that if the two of you share a truly deep, intimate love, you will feel a closeness with or without an orgasm. The orgasm simply becomes the cherry on top of the sundae. In my world, a real man can stimulate my mind and make my body tingle without ever touching me.  In my world, a real woman makes you want more than her body - she makes you crave her smile, the way she looks at you, the air she breathes - her overall spirit and mere presence.

You can't say you want to be in a committed relationship, to find a real man or a real woman, or that you want to be in love with one person for the rest of your life; then settle for less than that. I didn't get  a lot of second dates when I said "NO" to sex; but that's quite alright. The man I love never even has to ask because the answer is ALWAYS "YES!" You see, I REFUSE to ever settle for less than what I want or less than I deserve. Don't you do it either.

If all both of you want is a booty call, cool. If you say you want more, though, don't just ask for it - DEMAND IT because you're worth it.

The Heart of a Man

To know a man’s heart is to know the depths of Hell and the heights of Heaven at the same time.  Men think that women are complex; yet, men live behind 10 feet thick cement walls surrounded by chain-link fence, barbed wire, and shark infested waters.  It takes a hell of a woman to even get into a man's inner circle; much less, to get to know his true heart.  Once inside his heart, though, one must be very careful not to damage it.  Men, unlike women, do not easily forget, or forgive, being hurt.

We must understand that men are socialized to withhold emotion.  In fact, they are often ridiculed for crying, being afraid, or expressing any emotion that implies weakness.   When they get hurt, they are told to “man up” or “big boys don’t cry.”  They are not taught to get in touch with their feelings.  They are not taught to be nurturing or caring most of the time.  In fact, they are taught to be as anti-feminine and stoic as humanly possible.  Any indication of softness, femininity, or weakness may be met with verbal assaults or even physical beatings. Regardless of the setting, emotionally expressive men, typically, are not openly accepted.  They defy the masculine gender role norms established by society.This issue can be even more hardcore in male veterans.

My heart broke into a million pieces as I looked into the eyes of a man that I love deeply and heard him say to me, “You are crippling me!  Let me be a man!”  I stood there in disbelief as he continued to yell, louder and louder; not because he was angry with me but because he was drowning, emotionally, and he was frustrated. His frustration was not even directed at me; but his words were drenched in truth.

Although I did not understand what he meant, I continued to listen because I wanted to understand  the depth of his pain and how I was contributing to it.  This is what I heard him screaming:

I need a woman who really gets it!  Not just a woman who says she gets it; but a woman who really gets it!  You are a trained professional; so understanding feelings, and expressing emotion, comes easy for you.  I don’t know what’s happening to me!  I feel like a bitch because I feel one way one minute and a different way the next!  And you keep pressuring me to talk about my feelings!  Well, I don’t know how to do that!  The more you keep drilling me, the angrier I get;and the more it hurts! I don’t know how to make you understand that!  I don’t know what you want from me!

It was at that point that he slammed the door of the bedroom and shut himself off from me completely. I was standing there stunned and confused.  I had no idea what had just happened.  I knew that the man I loved was hurting and I could not help.

Every time he asked me, “What do you want from me?!,” I answered, “Nothing. I’m not asking you for anything.”  And every time I gave that answer, I was lying.  I was asking something of him.  I was asking him to be different.  I was asking him to be someone that he is not.  I was asking him to go to an unknown place, to act like he had been there before, and to be just as comfortable as I was there – in the midst of overwhelming emotions.  

Looking back, I can only imagine how frightening, frustrating, and suffocating that felt to him. He did not have the words to explain what he was feeling to himself or to me; and he certainly could not risk admitting, to the world, that he felt out of control.

This is not a new phenomenon, especially for men of color.  There is actually a clinical term for it: alexithymia.  Because this is a social norm, however, for men, Dr. Ronald Levant has termed it “normative male alexithymia.”  What that means, without all the psychobabble, is that because of their normal upbringing, men often times lack the words needed to express emotions.  Not having the words does not mean they do not have feelings.  Men often express their feelings as explosive rage, extreme frustration, or through aggression and violence.  

We’re not talking about positive emotions here.  We’re talking about negative emotions that imply weakness (e.g., fear, pain, distress, confusion, sadness).  Anger is an okay emotion for men; it is both expected and accepted.  Therefore, men may express being broken-hearted as being angry rather than being hurt.  

Can you imagine how frustrated you would feel if you had five different feelings churning inside but you only had two options for expressing those feelings?  Can you imagine feeling helpless but being unable to ask for help at the same time?

I believe that’s how some men feel.  I believe they get overwhelmed by the plethora of emotions they may be feeling at one time; but they also feel like, if they ask for help, they will be deemed incompetent or worthless.  

We, as women, actually do not make the situation any better. It is not our intention to make the men we love feel worse; but, at times, that is exactly what we do.  As much as we praise them for being strong,solid, virile, powerful, and for simply “being a man,” we turn right around and ask them to be weak, vulnerable, and emotional at the same time.  We ask them to be like us instead of trying to understand them as men.  

I know I am guilty of that.  Have you ever said, “Don’t walk away” or “Just talk to me” - after your man has already asked you for some time, space, and quiet?  I have.  I’ve done it a thousand times.  And as a therapist, God knows, I am always good for “Let me help you.” With all its good intentions, that phrase can imply to some men, that you think they are incapable of doing things on their own; or worse, still, that you are trying to make them be dependent on you.

So what does that mean for the women who love men with alexithymia?  Does it mean that we can never have deep, emotional conversations?  No.  There are things that men can do to get better acquainted with their emotions.  One option is to go to therapy.  Another option is to keep a journal about the emotions they experience each day.  Both of these are private and confidential but allow them to explore different options for both feeling and expressing emotions.

The best thing that we can do, as women, who love these men,is to pay attention to what they are saying.  Do not internalize every word that comes out of their mouth.  Do not assume that all their frustration is directed at you.  More importantly, and I learned this from my Sweetie, do not automatically assume that their frustration is equivalent to anger.  Allow them to vent the way that they need to vent, using the words they need to use.  If they don’t want to talk anymore, in the moment, let it go.  If it’s not life-threatening, you can address it at another time.  If your feelings do get hurt in the process, I encourage you to wait until your man has had time to process before you address those feelings.  By no means am I asking you not to express yourself if you were offended or hurt.  I am simply encouraging you to wait until emotions are not running as high.  I am encouraging you to respect his need for time and space the same way you want him to respect your feelings.

I am thankful that the man I love loves me back and understands that I was never out to hurt him. Everything I did, I did in love.  Now that I know better, however, I will do better.  I have asked his forgiveness and I have done the necessary research to get a better understanding of his experience as a man.  His manhood, his self-esteem, his value, his worth, his life, and his presence in my life, are that important to me. 

I love you, YH, just the way you are.  I want no justification.  I do hope, that as you find the words, you will keep sharing your experience with me; so that I may continue to get a deeper understanding.

Otra vez, Mi Amor, me siento asombrada!

Seeing Myself in the Mirror

You know, God has a dry sense of humor at times.  I often look up to Heaven, with my face screwed up, and say, “Really, Lord?  Are you trying to be funny?”  I can imagine He gets a good chuckle out of my bewilderment because, of course, He already knows exactly why He’s doing whatever it is in my life.  Not to mention, He’s always right.  LOL.

As a therapist, I hear things come out of my mouth that are clearly meant for me as well as my clients.  Advice that I can easily give but rarely take for myself.  I find myself in situations which I have clearly told the Lord I am not interested in.  For example, I do NOT see teenagers in therapy.  It is just my personal preference.  I have nothing against teenagers in everyday life; I just don’t like working with them in therapy.  So, what do you think happens?

Of course, I get a random email from a teenager whom I will call Amanda.  She emailed me out of the blue from an entirely different country!  The gist of her email was, “Life sucks.  I’m tired.  I cut myself to ease my pain.  I don’t think I can survive much longer.   I want to die.”  Of course, I cannot treat her in a different country; but her email certainly touched a deeply personal chord in me.  

Something about Amanda touched my spirit, though, and made me want to fight for her and with her.  I made sure she was safe and that her parents knew what was going on, first.  Then, I started swapping emails with her – sometimes several times a day – every day hoping and praying that she would hang on and keep fighting for one more day.  I don’t know how to explain it – other than the spirit of discernment – but there is just something special about this young lady.  I kept telling myself, “Michael-Renee, you know she could easily take her life; so, be prepared for that hurt.”  Yet, without even knowing her, I didn’t want her to die.

Unless you have attempted suicide or really wanted to die, you may not understand sadness that deep.  It is like a bottomless pit of cold, silent, darkness.  As you stand on the edge of its ledge, you know that one more step will just send you floating away – never to hurt again.  It’s a scary, lonely place; yet, it seems to offer peace instead of pain.  As you are on that ledge, though, something in your soul is silently screaming for another alternative. 

My friend, James, describes the feeling as the difference between being buried under concrete and being buried under dirt.  If you are buried under concrete, there is solid darkness with no way to get out no matter how hard you struggle.  If you are buried under dirt, a small amount might shift or fall in on you, creating a small hole.  Through the tiniest of holes, however, you can see light on the other side.  “Just that little bit of light makes you want to fight, scratch, claw, and dig until you break free.  It gives you hope,” he says.  It is a great analogy because there is hope on the other side of darkness and chaos.  When your soul’s silent scream is heard in the universe, the dirt shifts.

When I got Amanda’s first email, I could sense her soul was screaming, but it was losing strength.  I felt like she was fading away the way I had as a teenager.  I saw myself very clearly in life’s mirror.  I went back to that empty space in time when I was in so much emotional pain that I actually felt numb.  I had made friends, I believe, with Death; and clung to his promise of comfort.  I was on the ledge, slowly inching forward; my soul had stopped screaming.  That was over 20 years ago.  

I look at my life now and I am amazed at all the things I would have missed had one of my attempts been successful.  The last one took me within minutes of eternal darkness before I was rescued.  As much as I hated that paramedic that day, I wish I could hug his neck today and tell him, “Thank you!”

I try to remind Amanda every day: IT DOES GET BETTER.  I know she might not believe me.  I certainly didn’t believe anyone when they said it to me as a teenager. I am not even saying that it gets better right away; but IT DOES GET BETTER.   

Even as an older adult, I have faced my share of heartache, fear, failure, and success.  There are still days that I remember my old friend and his promise of comfort.  But, then, I take everything that I am feeling, aim it towards Heaven, and allow my soul to scream, nonstop, until the dirt moves!  I can see myself clearly in the mirror – grimy from the dirt out of which I climbed, bloodied from scratches from the rocks, tired of working so hard just to breathe, sore from fighting so hard to get some light – daring life to try me again – knowing that I will win every time.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?  If you look in the mirror and you are all cleaned up and pristine, it may be time to do some more work.  Are you willing to share your story with someone to let them know that you understand their struggle and they don’t have to fight alone?  Are you willing to step outside of your comfort zone to offer help or to ask for help in order to shift the dirt in your life or someone else’s?  Don’t ever let your soul stop screaming.  That is a painful silence.  If you hear someone else’s soul screaming, help them shift the dirt!  

I think the dirt may be shifting for Amanda.  I am hoping that some light is starting to get in to warm her and make her feel alive.  I don’t care if she is only moving a teaspoon of dirt a day.  I will fight with her - hoping that she will get to the other side of rubbish and be able to see herself much more clearly in her own mirror – battered and scarred, but a bold and beautiful survivor.