The Heart of a Man

To know a man’s heart is to know the depths of Hell and the heights of Heaven at the same time.  Men think that women are complex; yet, men live behind 10 feet thick cement walls surrounded by chain-link fence, barbed wire, and shark infested waters.  It takes a hell of a woman to even get into a man's inner circle; much less, to get to know his true heart.  Once inside his heart, though, one must be very careful not to damage it.  Men, unlike women, do not easily forget, or forgive, being hurt.

We must understand that men are socialized to withhold emotion.  In fact, they are often ridiculed for crying, being afraid, or expressing any emotion that implies weakness.   When they get hurt, they are told to “man up” or “big boys don’t cry.”  They are not taught to get in touch with their feelings.  They are not taught to be nurturing or caring most of the time.  In fact, they are taught to be as anti-feminine and stoic as humanly possible.  Any indication of softness, femininity, or weakness may be met with verbal assaults or even physical beatings. Regardless of the setting, emotionally expressive men, typically, are not openly accepted.  They defy the masculine gender role norms established by society.This issue can be even more hardcore in male veterans.

My heart broke into a million pieces as I looked into the eyes of a man that I love deeply and heard him say to me, “You are crippling me!  Let me be a man!”  I stood there in disbelief as he continued to yell, louder and louder; not because he was angry with me but because he was drowning, emotionally, and he was frustrated. His frustration was not even directed at me; but his words were drenched in truth.

Although I did not understand what he meant, I continued to listen because I wanted to understand  the depth of his pain and how I was contributing to it.  This is what I heard him screaming:

I need a woman who really gets it!  Not just a woman who says she gets it; but a woman who really gets it!  You are a trained professional; so understanding feelings, and expressing emotion, comes easy for you.  I don’t know what’s happening to me!  I feel like a bitch because I feel one way one minute and a different way the next!  And you keep pressuring me to talk about my feelings!  Well, I don’t know how to do that!  The more you keep drilling me, the angrier I get;and the more it hurts! I don’t know how to make you understand that!  I don’t know what you want from me!

It was at that point that he slammed the door of the bedroom and shut himself off from me completely. I was standing there stunned and confused.  I had no idea what had just happened.  I knew that the man I loved was hurting and I could not help.

Every time he asked me, “What do you want from me?!,” I answered, “Nothing. I’m not asking you for anything.”  And every time I gave that answer, I was lying.  I was asking something of him.  I was asking him to be different.  I was asking him to be someone that he is not.  I was asking him to go to an unknown place, to act like he had been there before, and to be just as comfortable as I was there – in the midst of overwhelming emotions.  

Looking back, I can only imagine how frightening, frustrating, and suffocating that felt to him. He did not have the words to explain what he was feeling to himself or to me; and he certainly could not risk admitting, to the world, that he felt out of control.

This is not a new phenomenon, especially for men of color.  There is actually a clinical term for it: alexithymia.  Because this is a social norm, however, for men, Dr. Ronald Levant has termed it “normative male alexithymia.”  What that means, without all the psychobabble, is that because of their normal upbringing, men often times lack the words needed to express emotions.  Not having the words does not mean they do not have feelings.  Men often express their feelings as explosive rage, extreme frustration, or through aggression and violence.  

We’re not talking about positive emotions here.  We’re talking about negative emotions that imply weakness (e.g., fear, pain, distress, confusion, sadness).  Anger is an okay emotion for men; it is both expected and accepted.  Therefore, men may express being broken-hearted as being angry rather than being hurt.  

Can you imagine how frustrated you would feel if you had five different feelings churning inside but you only had two options for expressing those feelings?  Can you imagine feeling helpless but being unable to ask for help at the same time?

I believe that’s how some men feel.  I believe they get overwhelmed by the plethora of emotions they may be feeling at one time; but they also feel like, if they ask for help, they will be deemed incompetent or worthless.  

We, as women, actually do not make the situation any better. It is not our intention to make the men we love feel worse; but, at times, that is exactly what we do.  As much as we praise them for being strong,solid, virile, powerful, and for simply “being a man,” we turn right around and ask them to be weak, vulnerable, and emotional at the same time.  We ask them to be like us instead of trying to understand them as men.  

I know I am guilty of that.  Have you ever said, “Don’t walk away” or “Just talk to me” - after your man has already asked you for some time, space, and quiet?  I have.  I’ve done it a thousand times.  And as a therapist, God knows, I am always good for “Let me help you.” With all its good intentions, that phrase can imply to some men, that you think they are incapable of doing things on their own; or worse, still, that you are trying to make them be dependent on you.

So what does that mean for the women who love men with alexithymia?  Does it mean that we can never have deep, emotional conversations?  No.  There are things that men can do to get better acquainted with their emotions.  One option is to go to therapy.  Another option is to keep a journal about the emotions they experience each day.  Both of these are private and confidential but allow them to explore different options for both feeling and expressing emotions.

The best thing that we can do, as women, who love these men,is to pay attention to what they are saying.  Do not internalize every word that comes out of their mouth.  Do not assume that all their frustration is directed at you.  More importantly, and I learned this from my Sweetie, do not automatically assume that their frustration is equivalent to anger.  Allow them to vent the way that they need to vent, using the words they need to use.  If they don’t want to talk anymore, in the moment, let it go.  If it’s not life-threatening, you can address it at another time.  If your feelings do get hurt in the process, I encourage you to wait until your man has had time to process before you address those feelings.  By no means am I asking you not to express yourself if you were offended or hurt.  I am simply encouraging you to wait until emotions are not running as high.  I am encouraging you to respect his need for time and space the same way you want him to respect your feelings.

I am thankful that the man I love loves me back and understands that I was never out to hurt him. Everything I did, I did in love.  Now that I know better, however, I will do better.  I have asked his forgiveness and I have done the necessary research to get a better understanding of his experience as a man.  His manhood, his self-esteem, his value, his worth, his life, and his presence in my life, are that important to me. 

I love you, YH, just the way you are.  I want no justification.  I do hope, that as you find the words, you will keep sharing your experience with me; so that I may continue to get a deeper understanding.

Otra vez, Mi Amor, me siento asombrada!