Seeing Myself in the Mirror

You know, God has a dry sense of humor at times.  I often look up to Heaven, with my face screwed up, and say, “Really, Lord?  Are you trying to be funny?”  I can imagine He gets a good chuckle out of my bewilderment because, of course, He already knows exactly why He’s doing whatever it is in my life.  Not to mention, He’s always right.  LOL.

As a therapist, I hear things come out of my mouth that are clearly meant for me as well as my clients.  Advice that I can easily give but rarely take for myself.  I find myself in situations which I have clearly told the Lord I am not interested in.  For example, I do NOT see teenagers in therapy.  It is just my personal preference.  I have nothing against teenagers in everyday life; I just don’t like working with them in therapy.  So, what do you think happens?

Of course, I get a random email from a teenager whom I will call Amanda.  She emailed me out of the blue from an entirely different country!  The gist of her email was, “Life sucks.  I’m tired.  I cut myself to ease my pain.  I don’t think I can survive much longer.   I want to die.”  Of course, I cannot treat her in a different country; but her email certainly touched a deeply personal chord in me.  

Something about Amanda touched my spirit, though, and made me want to fight for her and with her.  I made sure she was safe and that her parents knew what was going on, first.  Then, I started swapping emails with her – sometimes several times a day – every day hoping and praying that she would hang on and keep fighting for one more day.  I don’t know how to explain it – other than the spirit of discernment – but there is just something special about this young lady.  I kept telling myself, “Michael-Renee, you know she could easily take her life; so, be prepared for that hurt.”  Yet, without even knowing her, I didn’t want her to die.

Unless you have attempted suicide or really wanted to die, you may not understand sadness that deep.  It is like a bottomless pit of cold, silent, darkness.  As you stand on the edge of its ledge, you know that one more step will just send you floating away – never to hurt again.  It’s a scary, lonely place; yet, it seems to offer peace instead of pain.  As you are on that ledge, though, something in your soul is silently screaming for another alternative. 

My friend, James, describes the feeling as the difference between being buried under concrete and being buried under dirt.  If you are buried under concrete, there is solid darkness with no way to get out no matter how hard you struggle.  If you are buried under dirt, a small amount might shift or fall in on you, creating a small hole.  Through the tiniest of holes, however, you can see light on the other side.  “Just that little bit of light makes you want to fight, scratch, claw, and dig until you break free.  It gives you hope,” he says.  It is a great analogy because there is hope on the other side of darkness and chaos.  When your soul’s silent scream is heard in the universe, the dirt shifts.

When I got Amanda’s first email, I could sense her soul was screaming, but it was losing strength.  I felt like she was fading away the way I had as a teenager.  I saw myself very clearly in life’s mirror.  I went back to that empty space in time when I was in so much emotional pain that I actually felt numb.  I had made friends, I believe, with Death; and clung to his promise of comfort.  I was on the ledge, slowly inching forward; my soul had stopped screaming.  That was over 20 years ago.  

I look at my life now and I am amazed at all the things I would have missed had one of my attempts been successful.  The last one took me within minutes of eternal darkness before I was rescued.  As much as I hated that paramedic that day, I wish I could hug his neck today and tell him, “Thank you!”

I try to remind Amanda every day: IT DOES GET BETTER.  I know she might not believe me.  I certainly didn’t believe anyone when they said it to me as a teenager. I am not even saying that it gets better right away; but IT DOES GET BETTER.   

Even as an older adult, I have faced my share of heartache, fear, failure, and success.  There are still days that I remember my old friend and his promise of comfort.  But, then, I take everything that I am feeling, aim it towards Heaven, and allow my soul to scream, nonstop, until the dirt moves!  I can see myself clearly in the mirror – grimy from the dirt out of which I climbed, bloodied from scratches from the rocks, tired of working so hard just to breathe, sore from fighting so hard to get some light – daring life to try me again – knowing that I will win every time.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?  If you look in the mirror and you are all cleaned up and pristine, it may be time to do some more work.  Are you willing to share your story with someone to let them know that you understand their struggle and they don’t have to fight alone?  Are you willing to step outside of your comfort zone to offer help or to ask for help in order to shift the dirt in your life or someone else’s?  Don’t ever let your soul stop screaming.  That is a painful silence.  If you hear someone else’s soul screaming, help them shift the dirt!  

I think the dirt may be shifting for Amanda.  I am hoping that some light is starting to get in to warm her and make her feel alive.  I don’t care if she is only moving a teaspoon of dirt a day.  I will fight with her - hoping that she will get to the other side of rubbish and be able to see herself much more clearly in her own mirror – battered and scarred, but a bold and beautiful survivor.