The Heart of a Man

To know a man’s heart is to know the depths of Hell and the heights of Heaven at the same time.  Men think that women are complex; yet, men live behind 10 feet thick cement walls surrounded by chain-link fence, barbed wire, and shark infested waters.  It takes a hell of a woman to even get into a man's inner circle; much less, to get to know his true heart.  Once inside his heart, though, one must be very careful not to damage it.  Men, unlike women, do not easily forget, or forgive, being hurt.

We must understand that men are socialized to withhold emotion.  In fact, they are often ridiculed for crying, being afraid, or expressing any emotion that implies weakness.   When they get hurt, they are told to “man up” or “big boys don’t cry.”  They are not taught to get in touch with their feelings.  They are not taught to be nurturing or caring most of the time.  In fact, they are taught to be as anti-feminine and stoic as humanly possible.  Any indication of softness, femininity, or weakness may be met with verbal assaults or even physical beatings. Regardless of the setting, emotionally expressive men, typically, are not openly accepted.  They defy the masculine gender role norms established by society.This issue can be even more hardcore in male veterans.

My heart broke into a million pieces as I looked into the eyes of a man that I love deeply and heard him say to me, “You are crippling me!  Let me be a man!”  I stood there in disbelief as he continued to yell, louder and louder; not because he was angry with me but because he was drowning, emotionally, and he was frustrated. His frustration was not even directed at me; but his words were drenched in truth.

Although I did not understand what he meant, I continued to listen because I wanted to understand  the depth of his pain and how I was contributing to it.  This is what I heard him screaming:

I need a woman who really gets it!  Not just a woman who says she gets it; but a woman who really gets it!  You are a trained professional; so understanding feelings, and expressing emotion, comes easy for you.  I don’t know what’s happening to me!  I feel like a bitch because I feel one way one minute and a different way the next!  And you keep pressuring me to talk about my feelings!  Well, I don’t know how to do that!  The more you keep drilling me, the angrier I get;and the more it hurts! I don’t know how to make you understand that!  I don’t know what you want from me!

It was at that point that he slammed the door of the bedroom and shut himself off from me completely. I was standing there stunned and confused.  I had no idea what had just happened.  I knew that the man I loved was hurting and I could not help.

Every time he asked me, “What do you want from me?!,” I answered, “Nothing. I’m not asking you for anything.”  And every time I gave that answer, I was lying.  I was asking something of him.  I was asking him to be different.  I was asking him to be someone that he is not.  I was asking him to go to an unknown place, to act like he had been there before, and to be just as comfortable as I was there – in the midst of overwhelming emotions.  

Looking back, I can only imagine how frightening, frustrating, and suffocating that felt to him. He did not have the words to explain what he was feeling to himself or to me; and he certainly could not risk admitting, to the world, that he felt out of control.

This is not a new phenomenon, especially for men of color.  There is actually a clinical term for it: alexithymia.  Because this is a social norm, however, for men, Dr. Ronald Levant has termed it “normative male alexithymia.”  What that means, without all the psychobabble, is that because of their normal upbringing, men often times lack the words needed to express emotions.  Not having the words does not mean they do not have feelings.  Men often express their feelings as explosive rage, extreme frustration, or through aggression and violence.  

We’re not talking about positive emotions here.  We’re talking about negative emotions that imply weakness (e.g., fear, pain, distress, confusion, sadness).  Anger is an okay emotion for men; it is both expected and accepted.  Therefore, men may express being broken-hearted as being angry rather than being hurt.  

Can you imagine how frustrated you would feel if you had five different feelings churning inside but you only had two options for expressing those feelings?  Can you imagine feeling helpless but being unable to ask for help at the same time?

I believe that’s how some men feel.  I believe they get overwhelmed by the plethora of emotions they may be feeling at one time; but they also feel like, if they ask for help, they will be deemed incompetent or worthless.  

We, as women, actually do not make the situation any better. It is not our intention to make the men we love feel worse; but, at times, that is exactly what we do.  As much as we praise them for being strong,solid, virile, powerful, and for simply “being a man,” we turn right around and ask them to be weak, vulnerable, and emotional at the same time.  We ask them to be like us instead of trying to understand them as men.  

I know I am guilty of that.  Have you ever said, “Don’t walk away” or “Just talk to me” - after your man has already asked you for some time, space, and quiet?  I have.  I’ve done it a thousand times.  And as a therapist, God knows, I am always good for “Let me help you.” With all its good intentions, that phrase can imply to some men, that you think they are incapable of doing things on their own; or worse, still, that you are trying to make them be dependent on you.

So what does that mean for the women who love men with alexithymia?  Does it mean that we can never have deep, emotional conversations?  No.  There are things that men can do to get better acquainted with their emotions.  One option is to go to therapy.  Another option is to keep a journal about the emotions they experience each day.  Both of these are private and confidential but allow them to explore different options for both feeling and expressing emotions.

The best thing that we can do, as women, who love these men,is to pay attention to what they are saying.  Do not internalize every word that comes out of their mouth.  Do not assume that all their frustration is directed at you.  More importantly, and I learned this from my Sweetie, do not automatically assume that their frustration is equivalent to anger.  Allow them to vent the way that they need to vent, using the words they need to use.  If they don’t want to talk anymore, in the moment, let it go.  If it’s not life-threatening, you can address it at another time.  If your feelings do get hurt in the process, I encourage you to wait until your man has had time to process before you address those feelings.  By no means am I asking you not to express yourself if you were offended or hurt.  I am simply encouraging you to wait until emotions are not running as high.  I am encouraging you to respect his need for time and space the same way you want him to respect your feelings.

I am thankful that the man I love loves me back and understands that I was never out to hurt him. Everything I did, I did in love.  Now that I know better, however, I will do better.  I have asked his forgiveness and I have done the necessary research to get a better understanding of his experience as a man.  His manhood, his self-esteem, his value, his worth, his life, and his presence in my life, are that important to me. 

I love you, YH, just the way you are.  I want no justification.  I do hope, that as you find the words, you will keep sharing your experience with me; so that I may continue to get a deeper understanding.

Otra vez, Mi Amor, me siento asombrada!

Seeing Myself in the Mirror

You know, God has a dry sense of humor at times.  I often look up to Heaven, with my face screwed up, and say, “Really, Lord?  Are you trying to be funny?”  I can imagine He gets a good chuckle out of my bewilderment because, of course, He already knows exactly why He’s doing whatever it is in my life.  Not to mention, He’s always right.  LOL.

As a therapist, I hear things come out of my mouth that are clearly meant for me as well as my clients.  Advice that I can easily give but rarely take for myself.  I find myself in situations which I have clearly told the Lord I am not interested in.  For example, I do NOT see teenagers in therapy.  It is just my personal preference.  I have nothing against teenagers in everyday life; I just don’t like working with them in therapy.  So, what do you think happens?

Of course, I get a random email from a teenager whom I will call Amanda.  She emailed me out of the blue from an entirely different country!  The gist of her email was, “Life sucks.  I’m tired.  I cut myself to ease my pain.  I don’t think I can survive much longer.   I want to die.”  Of course, I cannot treat her in a different country; but her email certainly touched a deeply personal chord in me.  

Something about Amanda touched my spirit, though, and made me want to fight for her and with her.  I made sure she was safe and that her parents knew what was going on, first.  Then, I started swapping emails with her – sometimes several times a day – every day hoping and praying that she would hang on and keep fighting for one more day.  I don’t know how to explain it – other than the spirit of discernment – but there is just something special about this young lady.  I kept telling myself, “Michael-Renee, you know she could easily take her life; so, be prepared for that hurt.”  Yet, without even knowing her, I didn’t want her to die.

Unless you have attempted suicide or really wanted to die, you may not understand sadness that deep.  It is like a bottomless pit of cold, silent, darkness.  As you stand on the edge of its ledge, you know that one more step will just send you floating away – never to hurt again.  It’s a scary, lonely place; yet, it seems to offer peace instead of pain.  As you are on that ledge, though, something in your soul is silently screaming for another alternative. 

My friend, James, describes the feeling as the difference between being buried under concrete and being buried under dirt.  If you are buried under concrete, there is solid darkness with no way to get out no matter how hard you struggle.  If you are buried under dirt, a small amount might shift or fall in on you, creating a small hole.  Through the tiniest of holes, however, you can see light on the other side.  “Just that little bit of light makes you want to fight, scratch, claw, and dig until you break free.  It gives you hope,” he says.  It is a great analogy because there is hope on the other side of darkness and chaos.  When your soul’s silent scream is heard in the universe, the dirt shifts.

When I got Amanda’s first email, I could sense her soul was screaming, but it was losing strength.  I felt like she was fading away the way I had as a teenager.  I saw myself very clearly in life’s mirror.  I went back to that empty space in time when I was in so much emotional pain that I actually felt numb.  I had made friends, I believe, with Death; and clung to his promise of comfort.  I was on the ledge, slowly inching forward; my soul had stopped screaming.  That was over 20 years ago.  

I look at my life now and I am amazed at all the things I would have missed had one of my attempts been successful.  The last one took me within minutes of eternal darkness before I was rescued.  As much as I hated that paramedic that day, I wish I could hug his neck today and tell him, “Thank you!”

I try to remind Amanda every day: IT DOES GET BETTER.  I know she might not believe me.  I certainly didn’t believe anyone when they said it to me as a teenager. I am not even saying that it gets better right away; but IT DOES GET BETTER.   

Even as an older adult, I have faced my share of heartache, fear, failure, and success.  There are still days that I remember my old friend and his promise of comfort.  But, then, I take everything that I am feeling, aim it towards Heaven, and allow my soul to scream, nonstop, until the dirt moves!  I can see myself clearly in the mirror – grimy from the dirt out of which I climbed, bloodied from scratches from the rocks, tired of working so hard just to breathe, sore from fighting so hard to get some light – daring life to try me again – knowing that I will win every time.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?  If you look in the mirror and you are all cleaned up and pristine, it may be time to do some more work.  Are you willing to share your story with someone to let them know that you understand their struggle and they don’t have to fight alone?  Are you willing to step outside of your comfort zone to offer help or to ask for help in order to shift the dirt in your life or someone else’s?  Don’t ever let your soul stop screaming.  That is a painful silence.  If you hear someone else’s soul screaming, help them shift the dirt!  

I think the dirt may be shifting for Amanda.  I am hoping that some light is starting to get in to warm her and make her feel alive.  I don’t care if she is only moving a teaspoon of dirt a day.  I will fight with her - hoping that she will get to the other side of rubbish and be able to see herself much more clearly in her own mirror – battered and scarred, but a bold and beautiful survivor.

The Lost Art of Courting = The Loss of Thoughtfulness

The World English Dictionary defines courting as an "attempt to gain the love of someone;" while dating is defined as "meeting someone of the opposite sex for a social engagement."  The key difference between the two is a lack of invested consideration or thoughtfulness.  The goal of courting was for a man to get to know a woman and to convince her that he deserved her respect and would offer her the same for the rest of their lives.  The goal of dating seems to be for people, regardless of gender, to convince each other that they should have sex.

During the days of courting, there was nothing more important than maintaining a young lady's reputation.  The rules of courting were designed to protect her image and keep her name out of the rumor mill.  Today, unfortunately, a lot of our young people could care less about their reputation or their purity.  They are only following the examples they see, however, from adults who no longer see the value in "courting."

Courting was a structured process that began with a "coming out" ball where available young women were officially introduced to society.  Today, we pay a lot of money to local sororities to have our daughters "presented" to society at the "debutante ball."  It does not have nearly the same meaning, however.  At the "coming out" ball, young ladies were presented with a dance card on which gentlemen had signed up to dance with her.  No man was allowed more than two dances with the same young lady.  At the end of the dance, if a young lady liked a young man, she would give him her personal calling card to let him know that she wanted him to come "calling."  This meant that he had permission to come by her house to visit.

Initially, when a gentleman came calling on a lady, the visits were to only last for ten to fifteen minutes, he was not to take his gloves off, and he was to hold his hat in his hand.  This was a show of self-control and personal accountability.  You see, the thinking back then was "If a man could not care for his own hat for fifteen minutes, he would not be able to care for a wife for a lifetime."  To my dismay, I am not sure that I have ever met a man who wants to prove to me that he has self-control and personal accountability.  I would definitely be impressed, however, if that was important to him for me to know.

After a young couple had talked over a few visits, they would progress to taking a walk together.  Notice, however, they are still TALKING during this time.  They are taking time to really get to know each other.  While I am sure they felt sexual attraction, sex was not even an option; because only after they decided to be committed, were they allowed to "keep company."  "Keeping company" was going on chaperoned dates, again, to ensure that the young lady did not lose her virginity prior to the marriage.

There were other rules to follow during courting to show respect for oneself and for one's significant other.  A gentleman could bring flowers, candy, or a book when he called on a young lady, but nothing more expensive or personal than that.  A young lady could not give a gift to a young man until she had received one first - with the exception of a birthday or holiday card.  A young woman could not take a young man's arm unless it was offered to her; and a true gentleman knew not to even offer his arm, during daylight hours, unless the couple was engaged.  Of course, as expected, young people found a way around this by going roller skating or ice skating so they could hold hands.  They would also dance in order to be close to one another and have private conversations.  I am talking about ballroom dancing, here, not the Harlem Shake or grinding of body parts on one another.

This may all sound too contrite for today's society.  However, courting provided a way for both ladies and gentlemen to show, and earn, mutual respect.  It created an environment in which young ladies could spend quality time with gentlemen whom they preferred; gracefully avoiding those for whom they did not care much.  No one was called out of their name.  No one was pressured to compromise their values.  It allowed ample time for a couple to really get to know the other's core personality and to fall in love with the person, rather than their body, sexual prowess, or bank account.  When courting, young men and women valued the time they had together and didn't try to rush it because they knew they were working towards "forever" together.

Today, it seems that people in the dating world are simply working towards going to bed together.  It seems that men and women alike gauge their relationships based on when they have sex.  Some people have no problem having sex on the first date, others wait until the third date, and still others may wait an entire six months.  However, the goal no longer seems to be about really getting to know someone and falling in love.  The goal is often not forever, but rather, "until it's over."

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of gentlemen out there.  If we allow them to, Ladies, they will open your car door and the door to the restaurant.  They will help you with your coat and pull out your chair.  True gentlemen still bring flowers and don't spend the whole night trying to feel you up.  They respect your boundaries, ask questions about you, and listen to you because they genuinely respect you and want to get to know all about you.  When you are shown that respect, though, you should reciprocate.  Don't take it for granted because it is no longer common.

Courting took thoughtfulness.  It took creativity and patience.  It took an investment of time and genuine interest because all you could do was talk.  Dating takes very little creativity and very little thought.  In our busy society, we are lucky to catch a movie and/or dinner.  Dessert, a lot of times, is sex.  As good as sex is, does it really have to be the only way that we can be close to one another?  As much as a man can stimulate my body, I will fall harder and deeper if he can stimulate my mind.  That way, if one of us is sick, or out of town on business, we can still feel close and connected; our words, thoughts, and feelings will be just as important as bringing each other to orgasm.  Could you imagine if a MAN'S WORDS or GENUINE INTEREST IN YOUR WORDS could bring that kind of excitement?!

So, my challenge to you is to start courting again.  Spend some time really getting to know the person you claim to be interested in or claim to love.  Show some genuine care and concern without expecting anything in return.  For example, I was sick once and had a guy offer to bring me some soup and juice.  I was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness and was looking forward to the company.  Unfortunately, when he finally showed up with the soup and the juice, he expected sex in return.  It didn’t matter to him that my nose was stuffy and I felt miserable.  Unbelievable!  Needless to say, he was asked to leave and was never allowed to return.  I would never accept any offer of help from him again.

When you send a text that says, "I miss u" or "TAY," take it a step further and tell the recipient WHY you miss them or what you are thinking about related to them.  The truth is: someone you like may very well cross your mind throughout the day; but you can’t really miss someone you don’t really know.  If you are a big talker, change it up and become a listener for a night.  Let your partner talk for a while, so you get a better understanding of how they think and what's important to them.

Be creative on your next date.  Do something out of the ordinary, maybe something neither of you has done before.  Gentlemen, call on a woman without expecting sex.  Open her door for her.  Offer her your hand or your arm when you are walking together.  Let her know that you value HER enough to just spend time with her – for more than what is in her panties or purse.  Ladies, allow a man to call on you without offering sex.  Send a man a handwritten thank you note for a wonderful date or simply for showing you genuine respect.  Let him know that you value HIM enough to spend time with him - for more than what is in his pants or pockets.

Whether male or female, gay or straight, remember my version of the golden rule: “Don’t do to others what you don't want done to you.”  Be kind to one another and respect one another.  Loyal companionship, in which two people are connected on a heart and soul level, is appreciated during our times of grief and sadness.  It is just as valuable when you want to share a laugh or a story of success.  You can have lifelong companionship based on mutual respect if you invest the time in yourself and in each other.