During the days of courting, there was nothing more important than maintaining a young lady's reputation. The rules of courting were designed to protect her image and keep her name out of the rumor mill. Today, unfortunately, a lot of our young people could care less about their reputation or their purity. They are only following the examples they see, however, from adults who no longer see the value in "courting."
Courting was a structured process that began with a "coming out" ball where available young women were officially introduced to society. Today, we pay a lot of money to local sororities to have our daughters "presented" to society at the "debutante ball." It does not have nearly the same meaning, however. At the "coming out" ball, young ladies were presented with a dance card on which gentlemen had signed up to dance with her. No man was allowed more than two dances with the same young lady. At the end of the dance, if a young lady liked a young man, she would give him her personal calling card to let him know that she wanted him to come "calling." This meant that he had permission to come by her house to visit.
Initially, when a gentleman came calling on a lady, the visits were to only last for ten to fifteen minutes, he was not to take his gloves off, and he was to hold his hat in his hand. This was a show of self-control and personal accountability. You see, the thinking back then was "If a man could not care for his own hat for fifteen minutes, he would not be able to care for a wife for a lifetime." To my dismay, I am not sure that I have ever met a man who wants to prove to me that he has self-control and personal accountability. I would definitely be impressed, however, if that was important to him for me to know.
After a young couple had talked over a few visits, they would progress to taking a walk together. Notice, however, they are still TALKING during this time. They are taking time to really get to know each other. While I am sure they felt sexual attraction, sex was not even an option; because only after they decided to be committed, were they allowed to "keep company." "Keeping company" was going on chaperoned dates, again, to ensure that the young lady did not lose her virginity prior to the marriage.
There were other rules to follow during courting to show respect for oneself and for one's significant other. A gentleman could bring flowers, candy, or a book when he called on a young lady, but nothing more expensive or personal than that. A young lady could not give a gift to a young man until she had received one first - with the exception of a birthday or holiday card. A young woman could not take a young man's arm unless it was offered to her; and a true gentleman knew not to even offer his arm, during daylight hours, unless the couple was engaged. Of course, as expected, young people found a way around this by going roller skating or ice skating so they could hold hands. They would also dance in order to be close to one another and have private conversations. I am talking about ballroom dancing, here, not the Harlem Shake or grinding of body parts on one another.
This may all sound too contrite for today's society. However, courting provided a way for both ladies and gentlemen to show, and earn, mutual respect. It created an environment in which young ladies could spend quality time with gentlemen whom they preferred; gracefully avoiding those for whom they did not care much. No one was called out of their name. No one was pressured to compromise their values. It allowed ample time for a couple to really get to know the other's core personality and to fall in love with the person, rather than their body, sexual prowess, or bank account. When courting, young men and women valued the time they had together and didn't try to rush it because they knew they were working towards "forever" together.
Today, it seems that people in the dating world are simply working towards going to bed together. It seems that men and women alike gauge their relationships based on when they have sex. Some people have no problem having sex on the first date, others wait until the third date, and still others may wait an entire six months. However, the goal no longer seems to be about really getting to know someone and falling in love. The goal is often not forever, but rather, "until it's over."
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of gentlemen out there. If we allow them to, Ladies, they will open your car door and the door to the restaurant. They will help you with your coat and pull out your chair. True gentlemen still bring flowers and don't spend the whole night trying to feel you up. They respect your boundaries, ask questions about you, and listen to you because they genuinely respect you and want to get to know all about you. When you are shown that respect, though, you should reciprocate. Don't take it for granted because it is no longer common.
Courting took thoughtfulness. It took creativity and patience. It took an investment of time and genuine interest because all you could do was talk. Dating takes very little creativity and very little thought. In our busy society, we are lucky to catch a movie and/or dinner. Dessert, a lot of times, is sex. As good as sex is, does it really have to be the only way that we can be close to one another? As much as a man can stimulate my body, I will fall harder and deeper if he can stimulate my mind. That way, if one of us is sick, or out of town on business, we can still feel close and connected; our words, thoughts, and feelings will be just as important as bringing each other to orgasm. Could you imagine if a MAN'S WORDS or GENUINE INTEREST IN YOUR WORDS could bring that kind of excitement?!
So, my challenge to you is to start courting again. Spend some time really getting to know the person you claim to be interested in or claim to love. Show some genuine care and concern without expecting anything in return. For example, I was sick once and had a guy offer to bring me some soup and juice. I was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness and was looking forward to the company. Unfortunately, when he finally showed up with the soup and the juice, he expected sex in return. It didn’t matter to him that my nose was stuffy and I felt miserable. Unbelievable! Needless to say, he was asked to leave and was never allowed to return. I would never accept any offer of help from him again.
When you send a text that says, "I miss u" or "TAY," take it a step further and tell the recipient WHY you miss them or what you are thinking about related to them. The truth is: someone you like may very well cross your mind throughout the day; but you can’t really miss someone you don’t really know. If you are a big talker, change it up and become a listener for a night. Let your partner talk for a while, so you get a better understanding of how they think and what's important to them.
Be creative on your next date. Do something out of the ordinary, maybe something neither of you has done before. Gentlemen, call on a woman without expecting sex. Open her door for her. Offer her your hand or your arm when you are walking together. Let her know that you value HER enough to just spend time with her – for more than what is in her panties or purse. Ladies, allow a man to call on you without offering sex. Send a man a handwritten thank you note for a wonderful date or simply for showing you genuine respect. Let him know that you value HIM enough to spend time with him - for more than what is in his pants or pockets.
Whether male or female, gay or straight, remember my version of the golden rule: “Don’t do to others what you don't want done to you.” Be kind to one another and respect one another. Loyal companionship, in which two people are connected on a heart and soul level, is appreciated during our times of grief and sadness. It is just as valuable when you want to share a laugh or a story of success. You can have lifelong companionship based on mutual respect if you invest the time in yourself and in each other.
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