How Far Would You Go?

Over the course of my career as a therapist, I have met with A LOT of couples.  It still boggles my mind, however, when a couple sits on my couch and they use the words “I” and “my” more than “we” and “our.”  Yet, they wonder why they feel angry, lonely, and disconnected.  Marriage is about compromise and sacrifice just as much as it is about love and faithfulness.  Refusing to hear your partner’s opinion or to answer your partner’s question because you feel it is irrelevant is completely asinine.  Complaining about how much he plays golf instead of spending time with you but refusing to learn anything about golf makes no sense.  So, my question for this post is: How far are you willing to go to build and/or maintain the intimate connection between you and your partner?  Or, to put it another way, how much are you willing to compromise or sacrifice for the good of your relationship?

I used golf as an example because I can personally relate to that situation.  My boyfriend LOVES golf and would probably play golf every day if he could.  When we first started dating, I had absolutely no interest in golf – never had and claimed I never would.  Hence my advice to avoid the words “never” and “always” because you just never know. But, I digress.  As I started to see how excited Joe got about golf, I found myself wishing that WE had something we could get excited about and do together. He asked me if I would play golf with him and I refused.  I agreed to ride in the golf cart and watch him play; to which he responded, “That’s no fun.”  I asked him to get involved with horses [because that’s what I like] and he agreed to learn more about them; he refused, however, to ride. LOL. I was surprised but flattered that he would take an interest in, and become a part of, something I liked that wasn’t really his cup of tea.  He was willing to compromise and sacrifice.  Then, I had to ask myself why I wasn’t willing to do the same for him.  Would it kill me to learn about golf? No.  Would it make Joe happy and give us something else with which we could connect?  Yes.  

So, for a birthday surprise, I bought a set of golf clubs and all the accessories and I signed up for lessons.  My plan was to show up on his birthday ready to play.  Unfortunately, he found out what I was doing before his birthday arrived BUT the smile on his face when he figured out what I was doing was PRICELESS.  I had no idea that my willingness to learn about, and be involved in, his passion would mean that much to him.  He was genuinely excited about the prospect of getting out on the golf course and “showing me off.”  Now, I probably watch golf as much as he does; trying to learn everything I can because golf is not easy.  I don’t know that I will love the game like Joe does but I certainly don’t mind playing and actually enjoy my time on the course.  I look forward to my golf lessons and am really looking forward to the first time I get to play with Joe.

What would you be willing to do to strengthen your connection with your partner?  Would you be willing to listen without interrupting him or her?  Would you be willing to cook their favorite dish just because even though you had a long day yourself? Would you be willing to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new sexually?  Would you take the time to really learn one of their hobbies so you could participate or teach them about your hobbies so they could participate with you?  Would you be willing to stay up late and help your partner study or write a paper?  Would you be willing to talk openly about a difficult topic and really try to understand your partner’s point of view?  Would you be willing to take care of the kids for an hour so your partner could have some alone time?  Would you be willing to change some old habits (as difficult as that can be) in order to make your partner happy?  Would you be willing to drop your façade and be genuinely vulnerable with your partner, allowing him or her to really see you as you are?

If you are not willing to compromise, sacrifice, or simply do something different you will remain stuck right where you are and your intimate connection will not grow.  So, if you’re happy with what you’ve got, keep doing what you’re doing.  I dare you, though, to do something different and see if your connection can go deeper.  You might be pleasantly surprised.

Now What?

Now that I have finished my dissertation, I am sitting around bored. I always knew I was putting in a lot of time researching and writing; now I'm putting in no time and it feels weird. My therapist says I should take some down time to do nothing and just take care of myself. My friends have suggested that I relax but that's a word around which I can't seem to wrap my brain.

Relax. What does that mean exactly. I'm sure it means something different to each individual person. What does it mean to you? What do you do to relax? I mean, is watching TV considered relaxing? Is it getting a massage or taking a stroll? Does relaxing mean that you are doing nothing at all? I'm seriously asking you, my readers, to help me figure this out. 

I have watched TV and played every game on my iPad. I honestly find myself looking at my laptop wanting to do some work. Lol. At the same time, I know I need to learn how to relax and take care of myself. I have two more books on the horizon but I am deliberately trying not to work on them until I master this relaxation thing.

I kep saying I'm going to start working out because I know physical fitness is important. I bought some golf clubs and signed up for golf lessons because my boyfriend, Joe, loves to play. So, since I want to spend more time with him, I decided to learn to play golf. Of course, I can now spend more time riding my horse, Hershey; that is always enjoyable. I'll also have more time for my granddaughter, Zayda and that always fills my heart with joy. She keeps me busy though so that's not really relaxing. Lol.

I feel like I have to stop my brain and my body to be relaxed. Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. I know I can't meditate because I can't get my brain to quiet. As much as I try to relax when I'm getting a massage, I find that difficult too. Beyond riding my horse and playing golf, I can't think of anything else to do to relax. So, help me out, readers. Tell me what you do to relax!

2015 Vision

Welcome to 2015! Another year has come and gone. We have now been given another 365 days to really live and experience life. As you know, I do not set New Year’s resolutions. I always set goals for myself, though. Last year, my goals were as follows:

-       

•   To have true, genuine happiness (A) 
•   To create balance in my life in mind, body and spirit (B)
•   Mind = stay in therapy and read books (A+)
•   Body = healthy living (D average) 
•    o   Healthier eating habits (B)
•    o   To do something (exercise) each day (F)
•   Spirit = read the entire Bible in one year (C)

So, for the year of 2014, I earned about a C average. LOL. I was happy. I had more balance than the year before. I continued to go to therapy and read books. I changed my eating habits but still didn’t eat a lot of healthy vegetables. I did not exercise at all. I read half of the Bible but slacked off after 6 months and did not finish. I am not beating up on myself, though; just being honest and real. I don’t feel like I failed or let myself down. I simply did not complete the tasks I laid out for myself. Oh, well, it’s a new year so I’ll just try again.

My vision for 2015 is all about relationships. I tried to focus as much on myself as possible last year and I did okay. This year I am going to focus on my interactions with others.

First and foremost, I want to continue to strengthen my relationship with Christ. Once again, I am going to try the “Read the Bible in One Year” program [it’s an app you can download on your phone or tablet (BiOY)]. In addition to that, though, I am going to try to go to church more often. Currently, I attend “Bedside Baptist” as my friend Lisa would call it. I watch people like Joel Osteen, T.D. Jakes, and Joyce Meyer and get the Word that way. The only thing I really miss about church is the fellowship. So, I am going to get back to church more often at Covenant of Peace and I am also going to try a 

church down the street, Liberty Church.

I want to continue to foster a closer relationship with my daughter. We have been getting along very well (after a few “come to Jesus” meetings). Even when she has worked my last nerve, I look at that young lady and know, without a shadow of a doubt, how much I love her. And I don’t want us to have the same type of love/hate relationship my mom and I had. I think it’s even more important now since she is a young mother herself. I plan to spend more time with her and really try to understand her better and get to know her better. I hope to create a mother-daughter relationship in which we both feel emotionally safe, genuinely loved, and incredibly valuable.

I want to rekindle a friendship with my friend Vaneisa. We’ve been saying we were going to have lunch forever, it seems, and haven’t done it in over a year. That’s ridiculous. I also want to try again to rekindle a friendship with my friend Tracey. I have reached out to her but gotten no response; unfortunately, that may mean that friendship is gone. But, I am determined to try again. One of my best friends, Gwen, is retiring this year and coming back to Atlanta and I definitely want to pick up where we left off when she moved away.

Lastly, I want to keep building a strong, everlasting relationship with my boyfriend, Joe. His love for me is kind, gentle, and warm. He makes me feel very special and I love him for that. He tells me I’m “an amazing woman” and that feels good. He is a praying man of God so I willingly submit to him because I know that he will lead our relationship in the way it should go based on the guidance he receives from the Most High. My relationship with Joe only adds to my life, my peace, and my joy. It is a relationship that I would like to last forever. I can’t imagine a day going by without hearing him say, “I love you.” And I want him to know [now] that I value him and his presence in my life. I want him to know that my love for him runs soul deep and that he is an important priority in my life. The way to show that is by actively, deliberately, and conscientiously working on my relationship with him.

Relationships grow over time but they will die without being nurtured. There is no relationship in our life that can fully sustain itself without some type of real connection and some level of effort. One day, we will lose that person for one reason or another and then it will be too late to show him or her how much he or she really meant to us. So, look at your relationships today, decide which ones you value the most, and then make a conscious effort to work on them.

What Moves Me

What moves you? What touches your soul? What evokes intense emotion within you? There are several things that move me - that cause my breath to catch, automatically put a smile on my face, make my heart skip a beat, or that cause me to well up with tears [of joy].

1. My daughter's smile:

My daughter's smile has moved me since the day she smiled for the first time. My daughter is beautiful and when she smiles, it's just pure radiance. Her smile can bring light to a dark place. Her smile can alleviate my sadness. It's a healing balm. Her smile gives hope to the hopeless. No matter how I'm feeling, her smile makes me smile every time. My daughter's smile is simply magical. 

2. Anything and everything about my granddaughter:

My granddaughter is the most charming and beautiful little person I know. The many faces that she makes always tickle me and warm my heart. Her laughter makes my heart flutter. The little habits she has developed - like patting her bottle as she drinks - just make me smile. I look forward to seeing what new things she has learned each day when I get home. Her innocence and light remind me that life is good.

3. My boyfriend's kisses:

Sometimes, a playful peck on the lips. Sometimes a little more. Sometimes soft and gentle. Sometimes hungry and fierce. But always, always, always passionate and loving. His kisses remind me that he cares for me and desires me. His kisses remind me that he WANTS to be with me - it's not a chore or obligation. His kisses make me feel both loved and lovable - and that's huge. What moves me even more, though, are the times when he gently kisses my forehead or my cheek. It creates a warm feeling deep inside that I really cannot put into words. Those kisses, for whatever reason, make me feel very special and protected. His kisses leave me with no doubt about how he feels about me.

4. Nature:

From sunrise to sunset, everything I see in nature leaves me in awe because I know only God could have created it. Every tree, every flower, every raindrop, every breeze, every cloud reminds me that there is am amazing God working hard in Heaven. It makes me not fear death. It reminds me that, with Him in control, my life will play out as it should and He will be by my side the whole time. That gives me peace on a daily basis.

None of these cost me a dime. I don't have to make an appointment to get them. I don't have to drive far or work hard either. They are all free and wonderful. They all touch my soul in a deep and meaningful way.

So, as you experience each day of your life, think about what moves you. Are you creating memorable moments? Are you experiencing deep emotion? Is there something that helps you get through the rough times? If your answer is "no," I encourage you to find something in life that really moves you in a significant way. It may change how you look at life.

Why Is It So Hard to Say, "I'm Sorry"

“I’m sorry.”  Two very simple words.  Yet, many of us choke on them as we try to say them.  Why is it so hard to say, “I’m sorry?”  Is it because we are admitting fault?  Is it because we feel weak?  Is it because we feel stupid? 

My boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding.  I blamed him and he blamed me.  In the end, I saw his point, and knew that I owed him an apology.  However, I continued to talk about what he did and did not do as well – as though he owed me an apology too.  And he asked me, “ Why can’t you just say ‘I’m sorry’ and be done with it?” 

So, why couldn’t I?  I can only tell you what was going through my head and heart as this discussion played out.  I was thinking to myself: “ What an idiot you were,” “Uh oh, you’ve done it now,” “You really screwed this up,” “ Why couldn’t you have been more patient,” “ Why didn’t you explain yourself better,” and the list goes on. In my heart, I felt pain, shame, fear, and disappointment [in myself]. 

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my boyfriend. I love him. Why would I want to hurt him? But that's exactly what I did through both my actions & my words. So, I could either keep going down the path of destruction I was on or I could humble myself and apologize. I chose to say, "I'm sorry" and to take ownership of what I had done. I chose to hold myself accountable for how I had let my boyfriend down and admit how I could've handled things differently.

Those two words made all the difference. The argument was immediately over and the pain and tension of the moment dissipated. It felt like I could breathe again. And I actually felt good about myself for being woman enough to admit I had behaved badly and that I had hurt the one I love. 

In the end he said he was sorry too because we don't ever want to feel disconnected or angry with each other. We're supposed to love and care for one another. So, in his words, "all is forgiven and all is well." And that does my heart good. In addition, it strengthens our relationship knowing that we are willing to apologize instead of letting a misunderstanding break us apart. We are worth that much to each other.

Next time you find yourself choking on the words "I'm sorry" stop and ask yourself why. Then ask yourself if it's worth it not to say "I'm sorry." I bet you'll lose more if you don't.

The One That Got Away

Recently, I was contacted by a guy I dated twenty years ago. It was quite unexpected to say the least. He and I were very much in love and had actually talked about marriage. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t end up in a blissful marriage, however. It ended with two hearts being broken and years of wondering “what if.” 

We had a great relationship full of fun and laughter and endless conversations. We never had a disagreement of any sort. We dated for four years and then…. 

I chose someone else. I chose someone who had the “look” I liked. He had muscles and worked out all the time. He and I had endless conversations and lots of laughter as well. But, he was not Felix. I never fell in love with him the way I had with Felix. However, we ended up having a child together and then breaking up. Certainly not the way I saw things happening. I could have married Felix, had children, and lived happily ever after – I believe that. I made the wrong choice.

My heart hurt for Felix but I never told him. I was too angry with myself and felt like I had gotten what I deserved. Once again, the good guy had finished last. And it was my fault. I went for the superficial instead of what was inside. Now, Felix was not ugly by any stretch of the imagination but he wasn’t a real muscular guy and that’s what I wanted – or so I thought. 

Felix had a heart of gold and always treated me with respect and love. He would give me the shirt off his back if I asked. He never wanted to change anything about me. He genuinely loved me for me just as I was. And I loved him too. I tried to show him all the time even though we were miles apart. He would come to visit me every few days from where he lived and that was no small feat. He sacrificed for me and I hurt him deeply. I truly regret that because he didn’t deserve that.

I didn’t realize how deeply I had hurt him until he called me recently. We had a long talk about what we had and what we felt we lost in losing each other. Little did I know he had been thinking of me all these years. In fact, I thought he hated me after what I did. When he called, however, he informed me that he had never stopped loving me. He said I was “the one who got away.” 

Now, twenty years later, we are both divorced and dating other people. We are different people twenty years later with different life experiences. Of course the question floating in the wind is again “what if.” What if we had stayed together? We would probably have been happily married for twenty years now. What if we were both single now? Could we try again? Would things be the same? Those are questions that may never get answered because we are not single and would never stand in the way of each other’s happiness. But, it’s nice to know that we never stopped loving each other and that we never stopped thinking about each other. It’s a confirmation that what we had was real. 

As the saying goes, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” I lost a good man twenty years ago. I cannot unring that bell. I have gained a friend twenty years later, though, and I am grateful for that.

Learning Life's Many Lessons

Last month, the death of my uncle encouraged me to take a life inventory and I shared with you some of the lessons I had learned about life, death, dying, and love. I challenged each of you to either get busy living or get busy dying. I chose to get busy living; and with that, continued to take stock of my own life and the lessons I continue to learn.

From the time we are born until the day we die, we are always learning something. We have to learn how to walk, how to talk, and how to eat.  We got to elementary school and we learn how to read, write, and do arithmetic. We get to high school and start learning about dating and how to establish and maintain interpersonal relationships. In high school, we also learn about teamwork and discipline.  We get to college and learn how to put everything that we have learned in the first quarter of our life into action on our own.  Then, there's the option of grad school... but we won't even go there.

At some point, we get out into the world. Some will drop out of high school and face life with only a few years of education and life experiences. Some will go to the military instead of college and learn life from a completely different perspective.  Some of us will face life with all of our education and 20+ years of life experience.  Yet, the learning never ends.  We may have to learn to be a spouse or life partner.  We may have to learn to be a good employee or manager. We may have to learn to be a homeowner.  Every day we are faced with opportunities to learn - to learn about a different culture, conflict resolution, creating balance in our life, and many more things.

As I thought about this blog entry, I tried to think about the the top ten lessons that I have learned from life.  The first thing that popped into my head was a poem my mother taught me as a teenager.  It's called "My Wage" by Jessie B. Rittenhouse and it goes like this:

I bargained with life for a penny and life would pay no more
However I begged at evening when I counted my scanty store

For life is a just employer; he gives you what you ask
But once you have set the wages, why, you must bear the task

I worked for a menial's hire, only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life, Life would have paid.

From that poem, I learned to ask life for what I wanted and to always expect the most out of myself and my life.  I have learned other things throughout my life as well.  I have learned:

1. Life is what you make it. With each new day comes the choice to be happy, sad, angry, miserable, grateful, etc.

2. Smiling can change both the way you feel and the way other people feel about you.

3. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us; so experience everything life has to offer each day - love, laughter, pain, sorrow, etc. - as though it was your last.

4. Stress can really kill you; so, try to relax as often as possible.

5. Blood is thicker than water most of the time; but your blood can also be toxic. Therefore, it is okay to protect, or separate, yourself from family members just like you would with a toxic friendship.

6. There will be times in life when people do not meet our expectations; and we may feel disappointed, betrayed, or angry because they didn't do, or say, what we expected.  In other words, don't always expect people to act like you.

7. It is super okay for you to have whatever dreams, wishes, and desires you want for your own life even when other people say you shouldn't or you can't.

8. Prayer changes things.

9. Real love doesn't consistently hurt you emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually.  Real love enhances the positive things you believe about yourself and helps you heal the negatives.

10. If your self-worth depends on external sources, your self-worth will forever be questionable.

11. No one knows everything.  If someone claims to, or acts as though they do, know everything, run!  There is always more to learn.