The Lost Art of Courting = The Loss of Thoughtfulness

The World English Dictionary defines courting as an "attempt to gain the love of someone;" while dating is defined as "meeting someone of the opposite sex for a social engagement."  The key difference between the two is a lack of invested consideration or thoughtfulness.  The goal of courting was for a man to get to know a woman and to convince her that he deserved her respect and would offer her the same for the rest of their lives.  The goal of dating seems to be for people, regardless of gender, to convince each other that they should have sex.

During the days of courting, there was nothing more important than maintaining a young lady's reputation.  The rules of courting were designed to protect her image and keep her name out of the rumor mill.  Today, unfortunately, a lot of our young people could care less about their reputation or their purity.  They are only following the examples they see, however, from adults who no longer see the value in "courting."

Courting was a structured process that began with a "coming out" ball where available young women were officially introduced to society.  Today, we pay a lot of money to local sororities to have our daughters "presented" to society at the "debutante ball."  It does not have nearly the same meaning, however.  At the "coming out" ball, young ladies were presented with a dance card on which gentlemen had signed up to dance with her.  No man was allowed more than two dances with the same young lady.  At the end of the dance, if a young lady liked a young man, she would give him her personal calling card to let him know that she wanted him to come "calling."  This meant that he had permission to come by her house to visit.

Initially, when a gentleman came calling on a lady, the visits were to only last for ten to fifteen minutes, he was not to take his gloves off, and he was to hold his hat in his hand.  This was a show of self-control and personal accountability.  You see, the thinking back then was "If a man could not care for his own hat for fifteen minutes, he would not be able to care for a wife for a lifetime."  To my dismay, I am not sure that I have ever met a man who wants to prove to me that he has self-control and personal accountability.  I would definitely be impressed, however, if that was important to him for me to know.

After a young couple had talked over a few visits, they would progress to taking a walk together.  Notice, however, they are still TALKING during this time.  They are taking time to really get to know each other.  While I am sure they felt sexual attraction, sex was not even an option; because only after they decided to be committed, were they allowed to "keep company."  "Keeping company" was going on chaperoned dates, again, to ensure that the young lady did not lose her virginity prior to the marriage.

There were other rules to follow during courting to show respect for oneself and for one's significant other.  A gentleman could bring flowers, candy, or a book when he called on a young lady, but nothing more expensive or personal than that.  A young lady could not give a gift to a young man until she had received one first - with the exception of a birthday or holiday card.  A young woman could not take a young man's arm unless it was offered to her; and a true gentleman knew not to even offer his arm, during daylight hours, unless the couple was engaged.  Of course, as expected, young people found a way around this by going roller skating or ice skating so they could hold hands.  They would also dance in order to be close to one another and have private conversations.  I am talking about ballroom dancing, here, not the Harlem Shake or grinding of body parts on one another.

This may all sound too contrite for today's society.  However, courting provided a way for both ladies and gentlemen to show, and earn, mutual respect.  It created an environment in which young ladies could spend quality time with gentlemen whom they preferred; gracefully avoiding those for whom they did not care much.  No one was called out of their name.  No one was pressured to compromise their values.  It allowed ample time for a couple to really get to know the other's core personality and to fall in love with the person, rather than their body, sexual prowess, or bank account.  When courting, young men and women valued the time they had together and didn't try to rush it because they knew they were working towards "forever" together.

Today, it seems that people in the dating world are simply working towards going to bed together.  It seems that men and women alike gauge their relationships based on when they have sex.  Some people have no problem having sex on the first date, others wait until the third date, and still others may wait an entire six months.  However, the goal no longer seems to be about really getting to know someone and falling in love.  The goal is often not forever, but rather, "until it's over."

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of gentlemen out there.  If we allow them to, Ladies, they will open your car door and the door to the restaurant.  They will help you with your coat and pull out your chair.  True gentlemen still bring flowers and don't spend the whole night trying to feel you up.  They respect your boundaries, ask questions about you, and listen to you because they genuinely respect you and want to get to know all about you.  When you are shown that respect, though, you should reciprocate.  Don't take it for granted because it is no longer common.

Courting took thoughtfulness.  It took creativity and patience.  It took an investment of time and genuine interest because all you could do was talk.  Dating takes very little creativity and very little thought.  In our busy society, we are lucky to catch a movie and/or dinner.  Dessert, a lot of times, is sex.  As good as sex is, does it really have to be the only way that we can be close to one another?  As much as a man can stimulate my body, I will fall harder and deeper if he can stimulate my mind.  That way, if one of us is sick, or out of town on business, we can still feel close and connected; our words, thoughts, and feelings will be just as important as bringing each other to orgasm.  Could you imagine if a MAN'S WORDS or GENUINE INTEREST IN YOUR WORDS could bring that kind of excitement?!

So, my challenge to you is to start courting again.  Spend some time really getting to know the person you claim to be interested in or claim to love.  Show some genuine care and concern without expecting anything in return.  For example, I was sick once and had a guy offer to bring me some soup and juice.  I was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness and was looking forward to the company.  Unfortunately, when he finally showed up with the soup and the juice, he expected sex in return.  It didn’t matter to him that my nose was stuffy and I felt miserable.  Unbelievable!  Needless to say, he was asked to leave and was never allowed to return.  I would never accept any offer of help from him again.

When you send a text that says, "I miss u" or "TAY," take it a step further and tell the recipient WHY you miss them or what you are thinking about related to them.  The truth is: someone you like may very well cross your mind throughout the day; but you can’t really miss someone you don’t really know.  If you are a big talker, change it up and become a listener for a night.  Let your partner talk for a while, so you get a better understanding of how they think and what's important to them.

Be creative on your next date.  Do something out of the ordinary, maybe something neither of you has done before.  Gentlemen, call on a woman without expecting sex.  Open her door for her.  Offer her your hand or your arm when you are walking together.  Let her know that you value HER enough to just spend time with her – for more than what is in her panties or purse.  Ladies, allow a man to call on you without offering sex.  Send a man a handwritten thank you note for a wonderful date or simply for showing you genuine respect.  Let him know that you value HIM enough to spend time with him - for more than what is in his pants or pockets.

Whether male or female, gay or straight, remember my version of the golden rule: “Don’t do to others what you don't want done to you.”  Be kind to one another and respect one another.  Loyal companionship, in which two people are connected on a heart and soul level, is appreciated during our times of grief and sadness.  It is just as valuable when you want to share a laugh or a story of success.  You can have lifelong companionship based on mutual respect if you invest the time in yourself and in each other.

Time Keeps on Ticking

Time Keeps on Ticking.......................

Let's talk about time.  Time is a fleeting commodity that we seem to take for granted.  Tomorrow is not promised; but how many of us still sit around and wait for life to happen to us?  How many of us say, "I'll [blank] one day"?  What if "one day" is TODAY?

So many times, I have heard people say:
"One day, I am going to meet the man or woman of my dreams."
"One day, I am going to own my dream house."
"When I get financially set, I am going to settle down with the love of my life."
"I am going to see the world before I die."
"The Lord will bless me one day."

What if today is the day that your dream man or dream woman comes into your life?  What if today is the day that you realize he or she has been within arm's reach?  What if today is the day that you allow yourself to fall in love?  What if today is the day that you buy a nice house in preparation for owning your dream house?  What if today is the day that you realize that you don't want to lose the love of your life no matter how much money you have or don't have?  What if you realize, today, that you could get even more financially set if you worked together with someone who loved you and believed in you?  What if you take a small vacation today as one more step toward seeing the world?  What if today is the day that you apologize for a wrong you committed in the past?  What if today is the day that you simply open your heart to another person to share your story or to listen to his or her story?  What if the Lord's blessing, today, is the mercy He shows you for offering an apology or for spending time with another one of His children?

What exactly are you waiting for each day when you wake up?  Do you think you would get more out of life if you got up and went after some things and started to make some tings happen in your life?  You might; but you won't know unless you try.  Einstein's definition of insanity is "Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results."  So, I challenge you to do something different today.  Actively pursue your hopes and dreams.  Go after what you want.  Create your destiny.  Fulfill your purpose.  Own your joy.  In his book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden says, "Taking responsibility for [your] happiness is empowering.  It places [your] life back in [your] own hands."

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, if you want to meet new friends, you will have to go out and do that.  Go to new places and try new things with a new group of people.  If you really want a serious relationship, then be serious yourself and don't ask for more than you are willing to give.  If you want a casual relationship, then be honest about that as well and don't waste people's time with lies and games.  If you want to make amends, then be the bigger person, hold yourself accountable, and offer an apology.  If you want to travel, go.  If you want to save money or get financially set, stop spending and pull your budget belt tight.  If you want a better marriage or relationship, speak up, communicate, and work on it.  If you want people to stop taking advantage of you, stop allowing them to do so.  If you want to be treated with respect, demand it and do not waiver on your boundaries.  If you want your wife to submit to you, then be the [Ephesians] husband that you are supposed to be; and Ladies, when he is doing what he is supposed to do, submit and honor him.

Please stop wasting time waiting for life to happen to you.  Stop wasting time waiting for your significant other to read your mind.  Stop wasting time waiting for your life to be in perfect, or near-perfect, order before pursuing your dreams or allowing love in your life.  Enjoy each day for what it brings because yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised; so, today is all we really have.

Do you believe in fairytale love?

Do you believe in fairy tales?  As children, we are brought up hearing fairytales and short stories about bears that talk, little girls who fall down rabbit holes, Prince charming, and many other magical stories. Little girls, more than little boys, are led to believe that love ends in "happily ever after." Little boys are taught that they will be able to ride in on their white horse, sweep the Princess off her feet, and they too will live "happily ever after." We read the stories and watch the Disney movies and get a terrifically warm feeling inside. We grow up believing, or at least hoping, that we will live a similar fairytale.

Then, life happens. We learn that love doesn't come from a kiss that wakes you. Love doesn't come in the form of a glass slipper. Love often presents itself like a sheep in wolf’s clothing. At other times, love may present as the beast that turns into a prince. Lately, it has saddened me to watch women spinning their wheels looking for the prince underneath the form of the beast. My best friend, Lisa, said, "We [women] are taught to see the potential inside [a man] and to nurture that potential. Unfortunately, we don't know when to give up." So, in the midst of our nurturing and caring and "loving them through," we lose ourselves.  Once we forget who we are and what really matters, resentment begins to fester.  At whom can we legitimately direct that resentment, however?  Giving up your dreams, your wants, your desires, and your needs is a choice.  Saying, “no more,” “enough is enough,” or “I want more” is a choice as well.

You see, people will only do to you what you allow them to do to you.  People will only respect your boundaries and meet your standards if you stand firm on them.  Everyone has their limits.  Knowing your limits is important.  Self-awareness will help you better relate to your significant other.  In understanding who you are, what you deserve, and what you expect, you are better able to determine how you will and will not allow yourself to be treated.  You are also able to determine how much you will give.  If your love tank is not being filled, though, you will have nothing to give.  So, soak up all the love you can today because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

Am I saying that love is not real?  Absolutely not.  I still believe in love.  I believe in its purity, its softness, its gentleness.  I believe that falling in love can be amazing and romantic.  I believe that true love can take your breath away, render you speechless, make you laugh, make you smile, and even make you cry.  True love is strong and fragile at the same time. It is deep without drowning you. It is hot, fiery passion and cool, serene calm. For me, love is red; smells like roses; tastes like champagne & white chocolate covered strawberries; sounds like passionately quiet whispers right close to my ear; feels like a dip in the hot springs at the base of a Costa Rican volcano; has a shape that conforms to wrap around my heart; and can be seen whenever my man and I are together - whether holding hands as we walk on the beach, cuddled up together watching the sunset, or sharing our morning coffee before a busy day.

When two people share a mutual love for one another, they are kind to one another.  They are gentle with each other’s hearts.  They pay attention to each other’s needs, wants, and desires.  They create a space of safety and longing – a space in which they exist together because they want to be together. They wake up asking themselves, "What can I do to make my love happy today?"  

What’s deeper than loving someone and being loved in return?  Knowing that the person you’re in love with WANTS to love you back.  And how will you know that he or she WANTS to love you?  You will observe it through his or her actions towards you.  You will see it in the way he or she looks at you.  You will feel it in your belly when he or she makes you laugh.  You will feel the warm electricity on your skin when the two of you touch.  It will almost hurt to say goodbye.  That’s when you know that you WANT to love someone or that someone WANTS to love you in return.  You may long for them all day.  You may dream about them at night.  It may seem like life doesn’t slow down until you are in their arms – protected from pain, from judgment, from loneliness.  But, most importantly, when you are in you lover’s arms, you are still you.  You have not had to compromise who you are to be there, to be accepted, to be valued, to be loved.  All you have to do to receive true love is to breathe and be open to embrace it.

This is not a fairytale.  This kind of love has to exist somewhere in this universe.  It is not loud or overbearing.  It can come from any man or woman – perhaps one that you didn’t even expect.  It is not forceful and doesn’t have to be created.  It gets you excited and makes you hot.  This kind of love simply has to be experienced and appreciated. You never have to question TRUE LOVE because you will hear it said and see it demonstrated; but even beyond that, you will feel it in the depths of your soul - like the rhythmic synthesis of two breaths and two hearts during tantric lovemaking. I hope we all get to experience that kind of love at least once before we leave this planet.

Really? Dating? Loving? Again? Hmmmm...

Am I really back in the dating world again?  Wow!  Have you ever found yourself asking that question?  When the realization hit you, did you feel like you were waking up from a dream, or maybe a nightmare?  None of us get married thinking about the end – whether that end comes in death or divorce.

After 8 years of being with someone – almost 5 of those married – believing that I would never have to date again – I think I have finally awakened from a very long, but subtle nightmare.  As good as it feels to be free from the problems, disappointments, and deceit – it may not be as easy to free yourself from the doubts.  When marriages end in divorce, people are often left with unanswered questions.  Where did we go wrong?  Why did I ever marry him/her?  Why was I not good enough for him/her to love?  Did he/she ever really love me?  Will I ever be able to love again?  Do I even want to love again?  What’s the matter with me?  Then, there are the funny moments - such as when your best friend tells you to pose for a picture, for your online dating profile.  She says to you, “look sexy” and your response is, “What?  I don’t remember how to do that.”  Unbelievable!

A lot of these questions can get answered through some honest soul searching; and with the help of a therapist.  Others are simply emotional reactions to intense pain and/or an overwhelming sense of failure.  We all want to love and be loved in return.  In the movie Moulin Rouge, John Leguizamo, as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, stops Christian from walking away from the absolute love of his life by yelling out, “The greatest gift you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!”  In that moment, Christian realizes that no matter what has happened between he and Satine, their love is real and can withstand even death.  It is an amazing love story that reminds us of the tremendous pain and the tremendous pleasure that can be experienced in the midst of true love.

Therein lies the difference.  True love doesn’t get divorced and true love doesn’t die.  When people commit to one another forever, they have to believe that they love each other.  If they didn’t, they would just be friends.  So, if you believe in true love, then you will love again; and it will be everything you want it to be.  However, you will have to date in order to find that love.  I was contacted by a real hottie online and the first two sentences of his profile read: Just because something has failed before, doesn't mean it will fail again.  I don't let the past disappointments weigh too heavily in my expectations of my future likelihood of success.  That made an impression on me because he’s right.  And did I mention that he was hot?  Anyway, life really can be that simple – where failures or letdowns are each their own separate experience.  So what that your relationship didn’t work out?  Okay, so you were deeply hurt.  You will still have to risk loving again if you want serious companionship. 

No matter what medium you use to search for connections with people, you should take your time and really get to know him or her.  Trust your gut.  Keep your ears and eyes open.  Pay attention to how someone treats you from the very first conversation to the very last conversation.  Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.”  Do not lower your standards.  Do not make excuses for someone treating you in a way less than you deserve.  Personally, I would rather be alone than to allow myself to be mistreated by, or to be miserable with, someone who claims to love and care about me.  Remember that you set the boundaries in your own life.  People will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. 

So, you must do something different to get different results.  Maybe you could date outside of your race.  Maybe you could date a blue collar worker instead of a white collar worker.  Perhaps you can change your height or weight requirements.  Perhaps you could date a techie instead of an artist or vice versa.  Just be open to new experiences.  Be open to love.  Even if I never find it, I still believe it exists.

You Are Too Nice

How many of you feel like, or have heard that, "you are too nice?"  What is that exactly?  What does that mean?  Does it mean that you are altruistic? Weak?  Naive?  Clueless?  A pushover?  A doormat?  Or does it relate more to the misperceptions or envy of others regarding the "nice" person?

Perhaps, "you are too nice" means that you are unbelievably generous and kind; but because there are so few people left like that on Earth, people perceive you as being "too good to be true."  There are people on this planet, believe it or not, that still genuinely want to help others and are looking for absolutely nothing in return!  Can you believe that?!  There are actually genuine people on Earth who will selflessly do something for another person without a second thought and will do it with no hidden agenda or ulterior motive.  The sad thing is, however, that we experience that depth of kindness and generosity so rarely, that it doesn't seem real when we do.

What I am talking about is an actual measurable personality trait - usually identified as agreeableness.  For those of us that are simply natural givers/nurturers, taking care of others is as easy as walking or breathing.  For us, being kind, sympathetic, selfless, compassionate, etc. are all natural responses to other human beings who may be in need.  Sometimes, the other person doesn't even have to be in need [in a crisis sense]; we simply do something or give something out of the goodness of our hearts.

As genuine as our efforts and sentiments are, we are often perceived as being manipulative and/or using our generosity to ingratiate ourselves to others.  Nine times out of ten, that is the farthest thing from our minds.  People who really know us, for who we are, know that the kindness we share with  others comes from a very vulnerable, soft place that cannot be contained easily.  There is not an emotional Tupperware or Rubbermaid container strong enough to hold it all inside.  It can actually be painful not to help, even when we get hurt and decide: "That's it!  I'm not giving of myself anymore!"

I encourage anyone and everyone out there who scores high on the "agreeableness" scale to love yourself for your sheer uniqueness.  We are a rare breed that provides a place of respite for those that are weary, broken, or disheartened.  Sometimes, all someone needs is a small act of kindness to put a smile back on their face or to give them enough hope for one more tomorrow.  Sometimes, NOT being crapped on or dismissed adds a sense of value or self-worth to the sad and disillusioned.  To anyone who has taken advantage of, hurt, mistreated, or abused one of these kind, selfless givers: SHAME ON YOU!  To the selfless givers: I know you have been hurt at times and I know you have felt like you were running on 'E'; but I applaud you.  I applaud us!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with living life this way, until........

• You are giving so much that you have nothing left for yourself - no money, no time, no energy, no joy, etc.
• You realize the person or people are taking advantage of your kindness or are mistaking your kindness for weakness.
• You are giving to or doing for others begrudgingly or expecting something in return.
• You get your heart broken because you realize that, even though you were never looking for anything in return, you are the ONLY one in the relationship being nice at all; and you are actually being mistreated or abused.
• You decide that you want to change this particular personality trait for whatever reason.

IF, God forbid, we actually get to the point where we really do not want to be this way anymore, we need to ask ourselves WHY.  Stop a moment and think about why you are tired or empty.  Think about what you really need to refill your tank - is it to stop giving or is it to get a hug from a friend?  Think about how you have felt in the past, or may feel in the future, if you walk away knowing that someone needed you and you had enough in your emotional arsenal, pantry, gas tank, or bank account to help; but, you CHOSE not to.  Personally, I feel worse then than when I just keep giving.  As Jesus died on the cross, I can only imagine that He had nothing left - emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually - and yet, He still asked God to "Forgive them for they know not what they do."  So, when someone takes advantage of your selfless kindness, forgive them, for they know not what they do.  You, however, must remain true to who you know you are and that is good.

When Is Enough Enough?

Okay.  So, let’s talk about when enough is enough.  You’ve been married over 30 years and have a spouse who has told you repeatedly that he or she has never been in love with you and is not in love with you now; yet, you stay married and keep asking, “Do you love me?”  When is enough enough?

Your spouse has been unfaithful repeatedly throughout your marriage.  You have forgiven him or her over and over.  You have gone to both pastoral counseling and you have seen an outside marriage counselor.  You finally tell your spouse that one more incidence of infidelity will be the end of your marriage.  Your spouse cheats again.  When is enough enough?

Your teenager has always been a fairly good student; then, suddenly he or she starts to fail classes.  You are contacted by the high school and told that your teenager has racked up 26 absences from school.  You take away all privileges and luxuries, but your teenager continues to act out.  One night, the local police ring your doorbell and have your teenager in tow.  He or she has several charges that land him or her in the juvenile system on probation.  When is enough enough?

You and your spouse no longer talk.  Every conversation turns into an argument.  Both of you feel like you can do nothing right for the other.  There is no more conversation.  There is no more laughter.  There is no more closeness.  There is no more intimacy.  You exist like two strangers who share a house.  Yet, you stay.  When is enough enough?

You are over 30 and still working for hourly pay.  You beat yourself up daily saying, “I should have finished college.”  “I need to go back to school.”  “I would be so much happier if I had a career instead of just a job.”  Yet, you let everyone else’s needs come before yours.  You come up with every excuse in the book as to why you cannot go back to school.  You find time and money to make everything else happen in your life; but you cannot find a way to get back to school.  You stay stuck, moving nowhere, wishing your life was better.  When is enough enough?

I have seen all these scenarios in some form or fashion throughout my counseling career.  It saddens me every time I see someone putting up with crap with which they do not have to deal.  It saddens me to see people with so much potential just give in to life’s pitfalls and choose not to do anything about it.  All these scenarios, like all scenarios in life, come with a choice to be made.  No matter what the situation, we ALWAYS have a choice.  Even if someone is holding a gun to your head, you have a choice to run, scream, cry, wet yourself, or pray; but YOU HAVE A CHOICE.  I wish more people, especially women, would choose to take their power back and make positive choices for their lives; rather than giving their power away and allowing others to determine their destiny.

So, when is enough enough?  When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  However, only YOU know when YOU have reached that point.  When you finally reach your breaking point, you will either get busy living your life or continue to watch it wash out to sea like an ebbing tide.

You Have to Be Strong to Be Humble

You have to be strong to be humble.  Sounds almost like an oxymoron.  When I first heard Bishop TD Jakes say the words, they didn't resonate.  However, when I heard them again, upon listening to his series, "A Lesson in Humility," the words hit me like a ton of bricks.  Being a therapist, puts me in a very vulnerable place with people.  When clients have gotten to a point in life where they have reached out for support and counseling, typically, life, a specific situation, or their level of self-knowledge, has become too much to deal with.  The most self-assured people walking amongst us are those that are the most humble.  They have no need to boast and brag.  They have no need to list their degrees or accomplishments.  They go through their daily life, doing the extraordinary or the ordinary, without looking for acknowledgement or validation.  These people have most, if not all, their needs met because they have learned how to meet them for themselves.  They do not rely on or wait on others to provide external validation concerning their self-definition or self-worth.  

On the flipside of that coin are people that hide behind the façade of arrogance or narcissism.  These people are constantly seeking validation for anything and everything they do.  They get angry when they are not acknowledged.  They get offended when their opinions and are not treated as “the end all be all."  At times, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they treat others as though they are stupid.  Overall, these are broken people who would rather walk through the fires of Hell in gasoline draws than to admit they don't like themselves.  

Most people, who know me, know that my life has been a journey full of ups and downs.  I have been to the depths of Hell several times; but have made it back over and over again.  I believe I was called to counseling because I am able to understand the depth and intensity of human pain; and but represent, at the same time, the rise of the Phoenix.  We are all our worst critics.  Unfortunately, there are people who need external validation the way diabetics need insulin.  They are so incredibly broken and empty on the inside that they try desperately to fill their love tank with anything and everything they think will work.  What they find out, unfortunately, is that no matter how much external validation they receive, it is never enough.  External sources will eventually, at one point or another, let you down.  

I challenge all of you who read this blog to fill your own love tanks and stop giving the power to others to determine your self-worth.  I further challenge you to forward this blog to your friends and encourage them to fill their own love tanks as well.  If you are an enabler, I give you permission to let go of the feelings of responsibility that you have been carrying – feeling like it is your job to make someone in your life feel good about him or herself.  As friends, spouses, and significant others, our only responsibility [to other adults in our lives] is to support their belief in themselves – not to create that belief for them.